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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

483 replies

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 15:54

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/04/2025 20:15

FWIW I think you're doing exactly the right thing OP, though the mum will doubtless call you everything from a pig to a dog for it

I especially admire the signposting you've come up with, in that it encourages self help, but again I'd be surprised if it's welcomed

Well done for handling it all so rationally though

Helen1625 · 24/04/2025 20:19

Thanks for the update. I think you've made absolutely the right decision.

MellowPinkDeer · 24/04/2025 20:20

Well done @OhYesYouDid0

Idontjetwashthefucker · 24/04/2025 20:21

Good decision OP, let's hope she drops the idea now

Poppins21 · 24/04/2025 20:22

100% the right decision

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 24/04/2025 20:55

How did she take it?

BreakingGood48 · 24/04/2025 20:57

Exact same thing happened to us and we ended up saying no to DSD Mum. We did say DSD could live with us full time and then her Mum found somebody else to be guarantor.

BreakingGood48 · 24/04/2025 21:13

Angrygirl · 19/04/2025 18:02

If it was the other way around and a woman came on here asking if she should be the guarantor of her exDP who had been made redundant and run up loads of debts, people would be calling the bloke a waste of space. No way would they be saying the woman should do it for the sake of the children.

Just because the ex is female and a mother doesn’t mean she gets a free pass on running up loads of debts.

I know, some absolutely shocking responses on here. A man would have absolutely been ripped to pieces but since it's a woman the OP should risk her house and the financial security of both her child and DSC (since she lives there nearly half the time) to be a guarantor.

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