To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

[OhYesYouDid0]

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

Cos she has shown such financially sensible decision making so far!

Absolutely not op. If this goes wrong you may lose the option to have a second child or your home extension. Put bluntly, how is that right? X

Why is it that D P is in a position where they could not only afford child-support and covering the rent if necessary and Mum doesn’t have the money for a new car and to make ends meet during the cost of living crisis?

Perhaps OP/DP simply made better choices?

IME a frequent problem with the financially imcompetent is that it's always "someone else's fault", and if that someone's perceived to be able to afford it they'll be leaned on constantly

There comes a point where, provided the DCs can be cared for, it's time to say no - and if the mum has hurt feelz because of her DCs staying with their father instead maybe it's time for her to sort hersself out

Thanks, after some thought I agree, I can't do it.

We had a big long talk last night and fortunately DH is in agreement and will be saying no to her. We will suggest some of the other things mentioned here but we won't be signing anything.

I feel like over the years I have made a lot of sacrifices in the name of being a good step mum or because I chose a man with older DC but asking me to potentially lose out on things like having a second child or things ive worked and saved hard for is too much. We both work really hard and are always so careful financially, we cannot risk that in good conscience.

Thanks for everyone's opinions.

We also have our own child to consider as well. Anything could happen and their stability and home is just as important as anyone else's.

I wouldn’t do it for my ex who is terrible with money and frequently lives beyond his means. But I feel sorry for her and if your dp trusts her he should do it for his kids.

Very sensible of you, @OhYesYouDid0, but do bee prepared for the ost appalling emotional blackmail when the mum's told of a decision she's really not going to like

As just mentioned it seems unlikely she'll want to take any responsibility for what's happened, so there could be unpleasantness ahead

So.. you wouldn't do it but we should?

Thanks. It would be a shame if it came to that but I think we are both pretty united in our decision so we will deal with whatever happens.

Glad to hear @OhYesYouDid0 and that the blackmailing, guilt tripping, weeping/wailing/gnashing of teeth from those who believe that having a child with someone = their unending dependency on you forever, has not swayed you into making financial decisions with serious repercussions for you and your family.

Can you give her 6 months rent upfront with the condition that she pays you back each month until she's paying rent on the property? Some will take that as an alternative to a guarenteur as it shows access to money.

I think we are both pretty united in our decision so we will deal with whatever happens

It's always the best way, @OhYesYouDid0; a properly united decision can help with a lot of things and will doubtless get you there in the end

No no no. This woman can’t manage her finances so will be very hard to help, and helping her maintain the shaky status quo solves nothing. . Encourage her to get help from step change and shelter. Help her look into an IVA to reduce her debt payments. Even give her a one off gift of money if you want, but don’t guarantee the rent.

While being a guarantor is going to be risky, maybe he needs to sit down with her and see if there are any other solutions.
Mumsnet is quick to criticise men for leaving children and not supporting them. Here is a situation where his ex needs help to house his children but everyone is saying not to help.
What ages are the children who are with the ex? This might also be a factor.

I think you'd be crazy to agree to this.

Your DH's ex has already shown that she's hopeless with money, and being a guarantor is a bit like signing a blank cheque. If she gets into financial difficulties again, he could end up having to stump up rent for over a year, depending on how long it takes to get an eviction in her area, plus any legal costs, which could be considerable.

Where I live, rent on a 3-bed is around £2k a month. Unless you're so loaded that you can afford to lose £25k or more without noticing, it'd be a no from me.

Oh thank god OP. She really isn’t your problem. I have literally no time for these ex wives who think their lives should be fully funded ‘ for the kids’ it’s pathetic and they really need to get a life / a better job and take some responsibility .

im so glad you and your DH are on the same page .

@CatherineM66 the kids are with the OP and her husband 3 out of 7 days, so just under 50% and he appears to pay 50% of expenses. In my opinion £650 in those circs is hardly the bare minimum.

But this ex is the same - terrible with money.

So why advise them to do it when you wouldn’t do it yourself?

If you don’t feel comfortable then say no to being guarantor. Please do not try and take the children away from her full time if she is otherwise a good mum. If she prev had a higher paid job it’s easier said than done to just live on lower income and it can become depressing especially if she feeling lonely and would maybe have been manageable if she had another adult sharing the financial responsibilities of paying bills etc. She will likely feel it’s last resort asking her children’s dad to help with being guarantor as she’ll be desperate to keep a roof over their head but if you will feel resentful better to say no. Council may be able to help
or at least signpost to someone who can.

OP hasn’t said that she is going to take the kids away. She just said that she is happy to have them live at their dad’s home as much as they want to or need to.

And being a guarantor to pay someone else’s rent is a huge thing, especially for someone who isn’t sensible with money and has got herself into a pickle. It’s not ‘resentful’ to say no, it’s common sense.

When’s the last time you were guarantor for an ex?

I wouldn't be happy to do it, OTOH if my children needed a home, I'd be more inclined to helping her out.
She should rent a room for one or two years, let the children live with ex DH until the finances are more stable.

You can read sample rent guarantor contracts online. Have a look at a few and pat yourselves on the back for being united in this decision. Help them in other ways where you retain control of your own assets, not this.

There are companies which act as rent guarantors for a fee. A less risky option could be to pay for this service for her.

Doesn't seem like the ex had a problem with ops dh moving into a bed sit when they first split so she could keep the house? Where was her offer to pay his rent to get a house too then?

I think your decision to not be a guarantor is a wise one. The risk is too great and you've worked hard for your own financial security.