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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

483 replies

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 15:54

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

OP posts:
MeganM3 · 19/04/2025 16:16

This is the mother of his children. In my opinion that means he does have a life long commitment to her, to ensure she is ok. And absolutely while the children are still living with her.
So, while it’s a shame it impacts on you, DH should assist her with this.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 19/04/2025 16:16

I’ll never guarantor anything for anyone. Does your DH realise that it means you’re signing up to pay her rent? Can he actually afford that or would it rely on your income as well?

FlowerFairy12 · 19/04/2025 16:17

NO NO NO 🚩 🚩 🚩 Look at it this way, the landlord doesn’t think she’s a good bet regarding paying her rent so is passing on the risk to you. This could end up extremely messy and costly if/when she doesn’t pay.

nadine90 · 19/04/2025 16:18

That’s a really difficult position to be in. I would feel for her as I think most rental properties these days require a guarantor, I know I’ve always needed one but thankfully my dad is happy to be mine.
I think some councils/local housing teams have schemes where they can help people with this to offset the strain on social housing. I would have a look into that and see if there’s anything that could help locally. Citizens Advice would be a good place to start.
But you’re definitely right to be cautious and not put your own finances at risk.

Createausername1970 · 19/04/2025 16:18

No, no, no and thrice more No!

She is already in debt! It's quite possible she will end up in debt again.

IF you do, and it's better you don't, but IF you do, then arrange for all the invoices, monthly statements etc , to be sent to you as well as her, so you can see immediately if a payment is missed. The problem with being a guarantor is that you often don't get contacted until the Landlord has no other option, and by that time you could be looking at 6 months + of unpaid rent.

Eviebeans · 19/04/2025 16:20

I believe that if you act as a guarantor it is really difficult to stop i.e it’s not for a set period of time and landlord/rental agent would be reluctant to let you stop after say six months

Bluevelvetsofa · 19/04/2025 16:21

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 16:10

Yabu - he is the father of her children and needs to ensure that his family have a roof over their heads

But OP and the children’s father would have them at their house, so they would have a roof over their heads.

Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:22

I think this is also a big concern for me. If she was just struggling on a min wage job then perhaps I'd feel differently but there is already debt from unaffordable credit (which to her credit she has been completely honest about) which makes me question how sensible she is with money.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 19/04/2025 16:23

@OhYesYouDid0 if she is struggling now, what makes you think she is not going to struggle in the future and think to herself, oh its ok, john does will cover the rent? what will happen at christmas when no one has spare money?? sorry but definitely not. she should not even have asked. her ex should also just have said no and not even asked you either!

Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:23

Also I'm wary that relations have so far been very good between us all and it would be a same to sour that. But at the same time, I don't want to agree to something that makes me so uncomfortable just to keep the peace.

OP posts:
GloriousGoosebumps · 19/04/2025 16:24

I wouldn't be a guarantor for an adult unless it was for a university student. The problem is, of course, that you can't limit your liability and so will be financially responsible for as long as the tenancy lasts, which is a huge ask. But you do mention that she has parents so why doesn't she use them?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 16:25

Bluevelvetsofa · 19/04/2025 16:21

But OP and the children’s father would have them at their house, so they would have a roof over their heads.

Show quote history

The children shouldn't be removed from their mum imo

This man has a family with his ex and it's his duty to make sure they are housed

I'd say that its on the provision that she sorts her finances though.

Original poster
OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:26

Her parents are elderly and I don't think have much themselves so I don't believe they are in a position to help.

OP posts:
Boatsandtrains · 19/04/2025 16:26

It does sound like he shoulders a fair amount of costs for the kids to be honest.

I’m not sure what to suggest, I don’t think you should be a guarantor. If there’s anything practical you can do like extra pick ups or having them for tea a couple of extra nights so she can work more then maybe this is the best way to go.

SpryUmberZebra · 19/04/2025 16:29

CopperWhite · 19/04/2025 15:59

She’s not asking you, she’s asking her children’s father. If he’s inclined to do it then he should.

Although I think if he does say no, it is only right that he offers to provide the children with a full time home.

I don’t see what point you’re trying to make, OP has a say in this because it will impact their family money. And she has said she is willing to have the kids more or full time while she gets herself on her feet.

Glad her DH has said he will no go ahead with her support.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 19/04/2025 16:29

OhYesYouDid0 · 19/04/2025 16:23

Also I'm wary that relations have so far been very good between us all and it would be a same to sour that. But at the same time, I don't want to agree to something that makes me so uncomfortable just to keep the peace.

Can your dh just tell her that you'll be needing a loan to get the extension on your home and being her guarantor could potentially effect that.

Set out what you can offer to do to help her (having the dc with you, potentially a slight increase in maintenence, and maybe look into what schemes the local council has to help people struggling to get a rental), it's not your responsibility to do that, of course, but I would be doing all I could to maintain the good relationship, without a massive financial commitment.

Bluezoo123 · 19/04/2025 16:29

No no and no again. It's mad you or your DH are even wasting head space considering it. Your gut is telling you no and with good reason...

Whaleandsnail6 · 19/04/2025 16:30

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 16:10

Yabu - he is the father of her children and needs to ensure that his family have a roof over their heads

He does ensure his kids have a roof over their head when they are with him

Their mother needs ro ensure they have a roof over their head when with her, without having to rely on her ex.

Yanbu and you are right op, you would be mad to do this. Ensure the mum and kids know you will have them whenever they need and if mum has to go into temporary accommodation, then unfortunately thats the way it will be.

Hdjdb42 · 19/04/2025 16:30

I would not do this. My friends husband was guarantor for a close friend. The friend lost his job and stopped paying rent for 2 years. My friend and her husband were presented with a legal bill which were 2 years worth of rent and court fees! It really impacted their finances, no holidays or eating out for a few years. It made them argue alot. I would not be guarantor. I'd encourage her to present herself as homeless at the council house, they'll put them into temporary accommodation. They'll be put on a waiting list for a council flat. Offer to house the children.

ChristmaslightsuptilJanuary · 19/04/2025 16:32

It's really hard. I once did it for my MIL under similar duress and it all went pear-shaped. I think you have to say no.

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 19/04/2025 16:33

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 16:25

The children shouldn't be removed from their mum imo

This man has a family with his ex and it's his duty to make sure they are housed

I'd say that its on the provision that she sorts her finances though.

Show quote history

What about the Mums duty to make sure they are housed?

It sounds like she's made a series of bad financial choices, and the kids dad is already doing a lot.

They kids will be fine, they can move in with the op if need be, but it's not up to ops dh to secure housing for another adult, his duty ends with his dc.

Summertimeblahness · 19/04/2025 16:33

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/04/2025 16:10

Yabu - he is the father of her children and needs to ensure that his family have a roof over their heads

As their mother she has a responsibility to keep a roof over their heads too.

2024onwardsandup · 19/04/2025 16:34

How old are the children? What’s their living situation like with you and how disruptive would it be to them to move to live with you full time and effectively not be able to ever stay with their mum because she’s in a flat share?

RawBloomers · 19/04/2025 16:34

If it wasn’t just a short adjustment period that got her into trouble then I wouldn’t offer. And I think the she’s a good mum line may be being unfairly generous - ensuring financial stability is a huge part of being a good parent. It’s essential to kids’ well being and should be a primary focus. Obviously everyone can meet unfortunate events - like being made redundant - but burying your head in the sand about financial reality is poor parenting.

I would cut her a bit of slack if the things she got on credit were done early in her new reality (of being unable to get a similarly paid job) and she has since adjusted. If she is good now at living within her means, hasn’t been booking holidays, etc. then I might consider it. But it’s always a risk.

Assuming you are near their schools and friends I’d be more inclined to offer to take the kids full time so she can focus on getting herself in a better financial position.

SpryUmberZebra · 19/04/2025 16:35

MeganM3 · 19/04/2025 16:16

This is the mother of his children. In my opinion that means he does have a life long commitment to her, to ensure she is ok. And absolutely while the children are still living with her.
So, while it’s a shame it impacts on you, DH should assist her with this.

Not really, his obligation is to his children and OP has said they are welcome to stay with them full time if their mother needs time to get back on her feet.

OPs DH does not have a lifelong obligation to make sure his ex wife is ok. She is an adult.