To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

[OhYesYouDid0]

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

He has an obligation to his wife and their child together too. His ex wife has an obligation to sort her own money out.

And if she doesn’t pay her rent he and the OP have to pay it. No way in hell would I agree to this.

Can I ask which country? It would be fascinating to see which ones have legal systems which insist unmarried fathers have to pay all housing costs for the mothers, even ten years later on from the original split. I mean, you must have got that "information" from somewhere.

She may be the nicest woman but she is terrible with her finances. Your husbands obligations are his children, not his ex wife. I think you could end up.in trouble , l think she will default on any credit she takes out, are you willing to pay all her bills when that happens? If you agree to this and it goes pear shaped, it could have a massive impact on your relationship. She is asking far too much from you, needing a guarantor is a big red flag. You could end up lising more than money

MN?

So you leave a partner with whom you have two children. You get remarried and have another child. You share parenting with your ex boyfriend. Your ex-boyfriend is terrible with money. Has over time shown himself to be a liability , accruing debt. He comes to you and asks you and your new husband to pay him between 1 and 2k a month so the children can continue to stay in his house half the time. Because THAT is what is being asked here. The evidence suggests that she will default and op and her husband will have to pay the rent or risk their own families home. You are a liar or an idiot if you say you would do this.

Bullshit, so all the women who have left feckless men have a responsibility to bail them out forever just because they had children together? Sure!

I did not say that at all. I said the OPs husband has a responsibility to her and the child they have together not his ex partner. His ex partner is responsible for her own finances.

I was replying to @MeganM3 not you @Poppins21 sorry I think I used the quote tweet thing wrong.

No worries

It's a really tricky one because you care about people but you also need to be sensible. I don't think I'd ever be guarantor for anyone other than DC or possibly my brother at a push. That's only because I would be happy to pay rent for them.

However, I'd have to tell both DC and DB that I don't have the finances to be their guarantor at the moment because I just about cover my own bills. If I could "spare" the occasional £1000 then of course I'd help out. I think you need to make it clear that you'd love to help out but don't think you have the finances to take it on. I imagine they check whether you have the wherewithal to be a guarantor so just regretfully decline.

I do feel sorry for the ex as the housing and job markets are brutal at the moment, especially if you have no family to help you out financially if you hit a rough patch.

However I wouldn't want to be a guarantor either.

Agree with others that paying towards a guarantor company (didn't know these existed!) may be helpful to her.

If you wanted / could afford to help further, you could ask her which debt has the worst interest and pay some of it off for her. Then she'll be in a better place to pay her rent independently.

I'd do these things as a gift not a loan, but only what you're willing to spend.

But I wouldn't want to sign away an unlimited amount of money which is what being a guarantor could mean.

Based on the experience of a family member, I'd counsel against either signing up as a guarantor or giving the ex sum[s] of money.

In the case of my family member, the more that was handed over, the more that was demanded - even to the extent of trying claim money from my family member after her partner died. (That went nowhere, but it caused distress and expense.)

I think keep the kids for a while and give her a chance to get on her feet.

and think how 'uncomfortable' it'll be if you make the loan and she defaults

Don’t be ridiculous. It the woman defaults then it’s as much the OPs money that would be spent

The problem is that once you are a guarantor, the agreement is legally enforceable for the duration of the tenancy agreement unless something changes. You can’t just decide to let yourself out of it after 12 months - that’s the landlords’ decision. And if the tenant falls into arrears within that time, no landlord is going to release you while they are owed money. It’s quite scary that so many people don’t understand what being a guarantor actually mreans.

No it doesn’t. If you go on Rightmove or Zoopla, or any of the private room rental sites like SpareRoom you’ll see that it’s routine to ask for either a guarantor or six, and sometimes even twelve months rent upfront as an alternative, depending on the minimum term.

There's a reason everyone with any real understanding of what being a guarantor entails has counselled against this. It's about the most risky way to help. Would be more sensible to pay rent upfront if your DH feels he must do something.

Completely overlooking the fact that the childrens’ mother has the same responsibility to them as their dad. OP and her DH already have the children 50/50 as well as paying significant maintenance, so it’s not as though he’s shirking his responsibility to them. He and OP can offer them a home full time until the ex sorts herself out - he has no obligation to sort out the housing arrangements of a grown woman he split from over ten years ago because she’s financially irresponsible, and it’s certainly not his responsibility to put his own financial security at risk by guaranteeing his ex’s rent payments when in all likelihood at some point she will default.

Yes, but the moment RRB comes into practice all LL must return any upfront payments. RRB bans them the moment it comes into force, which is likely to be October according to most LL forums.

the problem with it all is she will probably struggle to find somewhere as ll are now not allowed to take months of rent up front

my sister recently had this trouble just sold her house but they still wanted a gurantor even though she had thousands in the bank

i dont know how anyone is going to find new rentals anymore- letting agents say its going to be a disaster

this doesnt mean you should be anyones gurantor

Sorry not caught up with new posts yet but just wanted to update a little.

We have decided together after much discussion that we will not be signing as a guarantor nor will we be offering any sum of money either to pay off debt or pay rent upfront.

We have done some searching and have signposted to some relevant help and have also said again that if we can help in a practical way like looking after DC more if she wants to take extra shifts etc then they are always welcome here.

After going through it all together we do not feel comfortable handing over any lump sum, certainly not of funds I have saved for our own plans and worked so hard to do so.

Time will tell if it becomes an issue between DH and ex I guess.

Absolutely the right decision

Right decision @OhYesYouDid0
It would only bring you stress and difficulty, and if she strops, sulks or has an issue with not being given your money, proves you did right thing.