To say no to being a guarantor for SC mum?

[OhYesYouDid0]

Wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this.

My husband has children with his ex partner. I don't have a problem with his ex, we actually get on pretty well and she's a good mum. But I know she struggles with money and being sensible with it, I'm not judging but it's important context to this situation.

She asked recently if DH would meet her for a coffee to discuss something. It turns out she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home and downsize but due to poor credit she is having to put down a guarantor on the new property and she has asked that this be DH. She doesn't have much family around other than elderly parents and one brother whom she isn't close to.

DH came home to discuss this with me and I'm at a loss. Honestly I want to say no. We are comfortable financially but there are things we have planned for the next few years that are quite money heavy, an extension on our house, perhaps trying for another child (we have one 5 year old together) and I am reluctant to potentially have those plans put more financial strain on us or have to change completely if she were to need DH to help cover the rent. She assures us it won't come to that but really who knows. She lost her job a couple of years ago (redundancy) and has struggled since then on lower paid ones she says, having taking things on credit she really shouldn't have.

DH is obviously torn as its his children's home but has said he would not agree to anything if I wasn't fully on board.

It's hard, I have absolutely no issue with SC living with us if it helps or being here more often (currently 3 nights per week) but part of me does feel that's where our obligation ends. I am reluctant to put potential strain on my own life, children, finances because of exes money troubles and I want to say no.

WWYD?

Only if he trusts her. If not then no.

From what you have said you have a decent amount of disposable income and would like to help out the kids and their mum whilst ensuring the security of your capital. Would it be a possibility for you and husband to buy a flat/home and rent it to her at an affordable rate. That way your money is safe in the property and you're not at risk of she doesn't pay you back because you will be paying into a property that belongs to you.

Wtf. Who can just randomly afford to buy a flat (a pretty big one I am guessing seeing as there are two kids)? Some people do live in another world.

I understand the idea that we'd at least have an asset there in the way of another property but no I wouldn't entertain this idea, for a number of reasons really.

Firstly, we didn't save so that we could buy another property, we have been saving for particular goals / plans and I don't intend to change all that now so we can instead put it into buying a house for DHs ex to live in.

Secondly, what happens if she doesn't pay us the rent? It's just the same situation. We could end up paying another mortgage and receive nothing from her in the way of rent.

And thirdly, if that did happen would we then be awful for having to consider evicting SC and their mum? What would happen then?

The more im thinking about it the less I'm inclined to tie myself in knots (and my finances) to try and house my husbands ex. I am not against helping but this would be in a minimal way, not buying her a house to live in.

I don't want to feel as though I am caring for a fourth child. That may sound harsh but I don't feel like it's down to us to take on the responsibility of housing an adult woman.

I am happy to help in some way but it won't be by forking out a huge amount of money either in the way of buying another property or paying a load of rent upfront for her. It's not the reason I get up at the crack of dawn and work as hard as I do, sorry but that's how I'm now feeling.

PPs are right, she's a fully grown adult, as much as I do actually like her, I won't make myself responsible for looking after her in this way.

I think we'd be stupid to base such a big decision on simply trusting her. It would make us just as financially reckless.

I actually do trust that right now she intends to pay rent on time and isn't planning on screwing us over. But can I trust that things won't come up, things might change, she won't continue unintentionally to be irresponsible with money? No I can't reasonably trust that. Not enough to potentially put tens of thousands of pounds of our money on the line.

Being a guarantor is not something I'd do for anyone except a student child at university.

You are noy only guaranteeing the rent but any damage that might occur. Even if you trust someone you cant know who they will let in to the property.

You've offered reasonable help, stop there.

Mumsnet is quick to criticise men for leaving children and not supporting them. Here is a situation where his ex needs help to house his children but everyone is saying not to help

I don't know if you've even read the thread, @RoseMarigoldViolet, but he -is already supporting them, and generally people are referring to the type who clear off and expect to pay nothing when they rightly criticise feckless men

However supporting someone doesn't have to involve a bottomless pit of money, freely given while they carry on with "unwise debt" and so on, nor does it need to mean guaranteeing the rent and taking a huge financial risk on themselves, no matter how much either off these may appeal to the mum

Unfortunately, the ex has already shown that the she is prepared to put her home and her two children's home at risk by taking on a large amount of debt. She has already done so as she lost her current home and cannot find a new one.

she is in a bit of a mess financial and has a large amount of debt. Long story short she is having to leave her current home

The OP and DH should not enable the ex's financial irresponsibility. Instead, they should concentrate on their responsibilities and make sure they are in a position to provide a home for his two teenage children who could otherwise end up homeless.

Do not agree to being guarantor ... her elderly parents can if they want to

The same people who can afford to pay their own mortgage and a full monthly rent for someone else. Which is what a guarantor would need to do. If OP and her husband couldn't afford this then there would be no question to answer and no point to the thread. And yeah some people do have much more money than others.

You're right that there is still a chance that you would possibly receive nothing from her in way of rent but it would be a safer and more sensible option than signing up to paying potentially thousands of pounds to a landlord as her guarantor.

I think if you have your money earmarked for something else and you are ideologically opposed to financially supporting her then you have your answer. I'm just wondering how you and your husband will navigate this moving forward. What if he decides he wants to sign up as her guarantor - can he legally do that without your permission given you are married?

I think it's the right thing to do not being a guarantor, all in all it sounds way too risky for all involved and if it all went wrong then it would go badly wrong. Right now the children have your house to live in if things with their mum went tits up, what happens if you have to sell up to pay off her debts?

I would only consider it if there were no previous issues with paying back money and it was the only way to guarantee housing. My parents were my guarantor for Uni and then for the first rental I shared with my husband but we were just starting out and I'm guessing it was due to not having any previous official rental history.

I say this as someone who would be in a similar position if I ever split from my husband due to only earning minimum wage. I would never dream of asking him and his wife to help me out after 10 years!

agreed!

I wouldn't loan what I couldnt afford to lose

And that's more so for being a guarantor where interest comes into. Theres a reason banks and loaning companies won't trust her with their money and they have more to spare.

Well I got divorced because I did want to be obliged to be responsible for my ex's finances. (Financially irresponsible being an understatement) My priority was providing a home for our child, so he had to go. I think you're right offer to have the children with you more or living with you and that's it xx

*Did not want

So she is already getting £650 every month as well as only paying half child needs, when they are with you half the time.
Presumably she gets her child allowance etc.
May pay for lessons in money management but that would be it

Renters Rights Bill prevents tenants paying up front on rent. You know the bill that's supposed to help tenants.

I agree, if DH can cover her rent without affecting your household then it’s fine. Otherwise decide if you are willing to make the sacrifices needed to pay her rent, otherwise say no.

If she has absolutely no history of late rent/eviction etc, then I can see why your husband would consider it. I don't think offering to take the children more is helpful, feels a bit like kicking her when she's down (although you clearly aren't).

Tell her to try Rent Guarantor UK. They provide a professional guarantor service to support tenants in securing a rental property.

In many divorces the higher earner acts as a guarantor of the children’s home for a number of years. So in some sense, it’s not uncommon.

However, it sounds like she is struggling to provide for the children, and the children must come first (and do come first in the eyes of the law).

So there are two options: one, the children come and live with you until she sorts herself out, or your husband provides money or guarantees so they have a roof over their head.

if you don’t want the children with you, your husband has to pony up the money in one form or another to provide for his children. If you’re happy to have them, I’d go down that route (which may involve the courts, so consult a solicitor). That their mum is a deadbeat, is not really something they deserve to be punished for.

You and your husband would be insane to be a guarantor to somebody who struggles with being sensible with money. I know she is the mother of his children but I would refuse.

The OP has already said her and her DH are not going to do it. They've already made the decision not to be guarantors.

Are people not reading the updates?