To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

You can't exclude Louise without sounding like a bitch. If she was your friend's birth or adopted daughter you wouldn't exclude her I assume - be generous and open hearted and welcome this poor child.

This is a really tough one. Im assuming you know no louise means no Julia? I agree with you that the wedding would probably not be the best situation for louise to be atm, and im guessing should anything go wrong as it seems likely it will you will probably be blamed a little. Seems a bit entitled of Julia to just assume louise will be welcome , especially as the wedding so intimate. I would tell Julia the concerns around alcohol and toddler but be careful about expressing that you feel like Louise is (rightly) nothing to do with you. Can louise just stay in the hotel for the wedding bit?

Well you're going to have to politely decline. Say 'it's very intimate and I don't know Louise at all. Unfortunately the invite just extends to you. I hope you understand.'

If she gets the hump then so be it. You don't want her at your wedding and most people would respect that. It's not a big do with everyone getting a plus one and lots of kids/teens.

I would try to dissuade louise from coming but more so about how the event may be triggering for her rather than the fact you dont want her to come

If it was a bigger wedding I wouldn't have an issue with it but given how small and intimate it is, it's not appropriate. It has the potential to go badly wrong and completely over shadow everything else.

This.

This doesn't sound like a good situation for Louise to be in or you if she gets into the alcohol.

That would be a no from me and I would understand if Julia couldn't go.

Rather than say no to Louise, could you frame it that you have told others that it's a small intimate occasion (with no children?). Other wedding attendees are leaving close relatives at home and you would prefer that everyone is treated equally?

Yes exactly. I feel deeply for what Louise has gone through but I can just see it going wrong. Since the trauma she went through she has been binge drinking, Julia was literally told by the social worker that no alcohol can be allowed in the house.

I can’t see Julia staying sober purely to watch Louise. Julia has been brilliant with Louise and also works with children in a professional role but even so, at past do’s she has been known to get very drunk and starts acting daft and has to be taken off to bed.

I could see it ending up with Julia being pissed and Louise left feeling awkward and unsupervised and drinking, or me ending up hovering around her

It's not a random child is it? Your friend has asked if its OK as she has realised it could be problematic but has offered to cover costs and take care of the teenager. I am sure she is well aware of the issues. I applaud her for the care and commitment she is showing to this young vulnerable girl. She is putting her needs first.
If you don't want the young girl there then say so. You don't have much time

Personally, if my best friend had done such a kind thing, I would do my best to be accommodating where possible.

I don't think you should make excuses or give reasons because she will just come back with reasons why it's ok. You'll just have to say you don't think it's appropriate and leave it at that. It might mean Julia can't come.

I do not think you can exclude her without seriously jeopardising your friendship.

“Sorry, no. It’s close family and friends only, we don’t even know Louise. I completely understand if that means you can’t come too x”

I’d let her come although tbh I’m not sure it’s the best holiday choice for a traumatised teen with alcoholism. I think that a holiday for just the two of them would be better for her.

In your friend’s position I’d politely withdraw from the trip, focus on the youngster, and take you and your OH to lunch on your return to celebrate your marriage.

Yeah, I agree. I guess OP can't stop her from allowing Louise to come with and sleep in her room, if she pays for all her flights etc. She just wouldn't be able to go to the actual wedding. But I guess it sounds like she's not well/responsible enough to just knock about on her own for a few hours?

The friend really needs to stop promising things to this poor kid and telling the social worker she's going on holiday when it isn't probably going to happen.

No I don't think your wedding is appropriate. I think you will just have to be honest and say you chose a small wedding and it doesn't seem right that a child not related to you is attending. Are all your family coming? If not put blame elsewhere and suggest it looks bad to other family members that she would be there and they aren't.
I would also comment on the alcohol situation and how you would feel uncomfortable having her there with alcohol widely available and ask if the social worker is aware of the fact it would be easily accessible.

If you can't trust Julia as guardian not to get drunk, my answer would be a flat out no.

J can't be trusted to supervise a very vulnerable teen at a place where there will be alcohol. End of story.

This could end really badly if you let them come.

As it is a small wedding I do see a traumatized tween could significantly change the dynamics. I also suspect that you will permanently damage your relationship with your friend if you aren’t very careful.
I would try and talk through the challenges with alcohol and a toddler being at the event. Is there anyone else at the wedding who could help look after the tween? If not and you explain she can’t come I suspect you will lose your friend.

This seems hard when the wedding is in a fortnight and she will lose the money she's already paid out on flights etc

She's not a teen with alcoholism 🙄

How much do you want Julia there? I would assume if you say Louise isn't to come then she won't come either.

It's a sad situation but I don't think you should feel obliged to have Julia and Louise at your wedding. A holiday is not going to transform her life and the wedding is a very important event to you. You have planned exactly what you want. Julia could take her neice on holiday herself. Of course, you risk your friendship so it's not an easy decision.

I would say yes, bring the child but you (Julia) can’t drink at all.

Do you actually think Julia will get pissed and not supervise Louise?! Presumably if she's been assessed to look after Louise she's had conversations about how she should behave while caring for her and will behave appropriately?