To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

What a lovely romantic vision. Pity the reality is the very real risk of a disturbed, traumatised, suicidal child ruining OP’s wedding.

Has Louise been okay since she has been staying with your friend? That could be an indicator that she is settling a bit.

Im sure Julia will be VERY aware of how her behaviour is around alcohol when Louise is in her care, and this would have been reiterated by the social worker too. After all, if anything happened to Louise when at the wedding, it would have to be declared to the social worker, and the social worker would be asking questions of how Julia was at the wedding, and her supervising.

i see you have said there would be no way to have spoken to Julia prior to the wedding as Louise would have been there, but you could have called her/FaceTimed her to get a bit more information. It seems as if you are just thinking scenarios in your head without getting more information on how Louise has been since in Julia’s care.

I think you may have damaged your friendship now.

Julia is in a difficult place. Julia then put her difficult situation onto you. You don’t want additional potential problems at your wedding which is fair enough.

It’s the classic two sides to a story sadly. But ultimately it’s your wedding.

@SaveMeFromHumanity brilliant post!

Note: Louse didn’t even ask if her foster daughter could come. In the text she said “I assume she can come”!

She then accused you of doing things at your “convenience” when you just want a nice wedding and it’s your day. I think it is her that is thinking of her own convenience.

Unfortunately some friendships do wane or die and this is part of life.

Enjoy your big day.

Why wouldn’t Julia stay sober to watch Louise?

Imagine being so entitled that you believe your past friendship support, entitles you to put at risk the peace of a small wedding by bringing an unstable child.

I feel so sorry for OP's fiancé with this fussing and his family if they were to witness unseemly drama on such an occasion, from their new DIL's "friend".

OP should give some thought to how his family will view her judgement to have allowed this.

I think this is case where trying to gently shut it down with reasons instead of going with gut and saying no and why from the get go has backfired

Very sorry OP I don't think you deserve this at all. Using someone else's wedding as a healing holiday for someone's else's troubled teen was never a reasonable proposal

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OP, if she’s saying you’re doing what’s convenient for you, then that indicates she knows what she’s proposing is inconveniencing you. And none of the examples of support she’s given you in the past trump the potential for disaster in what she’s proposing here. This is your wedding day and she’s using it as an opportunity to help rehabilitate this child. It’s just not appropriate. At the very least she’s introducing a stranger who will completely change the dynamic you’ve planned for, and at worst she will be triggered or get access to alcohol, and ruin the whole thing. I’m sorry but her disregard for you and your special day would be enough to make me rethink the friendship anyway. She’s taken the focus off you and made it all about her. And now she won’t be going, so her absence at the wedding will cast the shadow of what’s happened. She should never have put you in this position, it’s unforgivable. .

I don't think the OP ruined the relationship. Julia shouldn't have asked.
And if she thinks a 3 day trip will make it better for Louise is daft. The child needs help. Consistency not being at such an intimate event
Julia needs to start realising how intense the support that is needed or she is not the right person to be taking this situation on.

Could have predicted this.

I think you have to accept that Louise and Julia come as a package.Is your main reservation that you don't want a randomer at your intimate wedding (which is fair enough) or the problem with alcohol. I sincerely hope that Julia takes her role as guardian of this girl seriously and would stay sober herself and also stop Louise drinking.

Thread is filling up, so wanted to say if you want to start a thread 2, OP, I imagine a few of us would continue to support you there. If not, good luck with the wedding and hope all goes splendidly.

I think Julia does realise that, and that is why she cannot just ditch this girl for 3 days to come to the ops wedding.

Then the right thing for Julia to do would be to decline and send her apologies to OP.

I'd just say the alcohol is going to be flowing freely at your wedding and given what your friend has told you about Louise's alcohol consumption and the social services 'no alcohol present ' rule, you do not feel it is appropriate. It's then your friend's decision whether she attends alone or not.

The point is, that the environment she’s proposing to pitch Louise headlong into, isn’t remotely suitable, given the childs’ recent history. Julia knows she can’t attend the wedding without the child. She’s putting what she wants above Louises’ best interests.

Julia might believe she's well- intentioned and would be in control, but she also doesn't sound that bright. You can imagine some kind of awful aftermath involving Louise (or indeed her) and her saying, " Well no one could have anticipated she'd be triggered by that." Well, yes, actually: that's why there's quite a few of us saying there's too many variables for this to be safe for Louise and Julia. I do wonder about the holiday insurance aspect. If Louise ends up in hospital is an insurance company going to cover the costs if they discover her background, which they will?

The wedding is the least of Julia's concern. Sacrifices will need to be made. The child has severe trauma.

Her situation has changed. She is taking on responsibility for a child who needs support. Life as she knows it has changed.

And being cheeky to friends will make her journey and even harder task.

Her response to the OP shows a complete lack of understanding.... Skills certainly needed for the child she is now responsible for.

I'd tell her to fuck right off.

Her "being there" for you wasnt during a wedding.

Fuck her off. She aint no friend. She is a self absorbed cunt.

Julia has shown her true colours. Friendship is not supposed to be transactional. Bringing Louise to your wedding has disaster written all over it, and it is not a big enough event to be able to absorb her kicking off. You have your fiancé's family situation to think about and prioritise. Don't feel guilted into reneging on this - in any event, I doubt your friendship will last or be the same, and that is all on Julia for presumptively inviting Louise, putting you in an invidious position and not thinking about the welfare of the child around emotional reunions, alcohol and happy families. Good luck with your wedding, I hope it is lovely, and don't be sad about Julia.

I think it’s sad that she can’t see the potential impact on a very small and intimate wedding. It’s not an event where it’s worth taking the risk and I hope she’s able to step back and see this without damaging your friendship.

You'd invite a suicidal, self-harming stranger to your small, intimate wedding? How convenient that you don't actually have to follow through on your virtue-signalling nonsense 🙄

I hope Julia cools down and sees reason. Tell her that you are eternally grateful to her for being there for you. Tell her that you want to see her there, just not at the evening do. Tell her you wrecked your brain trying to come to a solution. Tell her that you’ll be devastated if your friendship ends because of this.

But she's not giving it up for the perfect day and Julia has not and is not behaving as "a real friend" would. She's also not behaving like a responsible guardian. We're focusing on the OP because that's the post (and the OP is not unreasonable at all. Who on earth would want a complete stranger at their wedding, especially when that wedding is only 12 people for the simple reason they want to focus on dying relatives and those they haven't seen in years due to visa issues). But Julia is behaving like a spoilt child stamping her foot for not getting her own way and she's an appallingly bad guardian. As many have pointed out several times, this is a child in recent crisis. The child needs stability, to be able to see (if it's possible) her sister, to be near a hospital where the staff speaks the same language, to be near mental health support etc.

If it genuinely would help to get her out of the environment completely, then book a separate holiday where the focus is just on her, as it should be. Or say that, as the flights/hotel have already been booked and can't be cancelled (if that's the case), that she'll take Louise with her on holiday but will, unfortunately, have to bow out of the wedding. This is what caring for a sick child is. The child's needs always come first.

No, past behaviour isn't necessarily how someone will behave in the future, but it would be foolish not to take it into consideration. Julia has been been drunk more than once at a wedding, forcing others to take responsibility for and look after her children, without being asked in advance. Personally, I think Julia is ignorant and thoughtless to drink or allow alcohol (the lunch spoken of) to be drunk in front of a damaged child with an alcohol problem. When my DS is nil by mouth, I don't eat or drink in front of him. Only a total dick would do that.

Even if Julia and the child stay stone cold sober, Louise may still find it too much to cope with and start abusing guests (which she's done in the past, since she can't regulate her emotions and has been known to abuse people when stressed), run away, smash a glass and cut herself on purpose etc. It's hardly common sense to take a really sick 13 year old away with a group of 14 adult strangers. A normal, slightly shy adult would find that a challenge. This is a sick child. Why put her under so much pressure?

And not to put too fine a point on it, but having an unknown teen at the wedding would completely change the dynamic. The couple are having an intimate celebration to catch up with close family. Why cut into that time with polite chit chat with a stranger you didn't invite and concern over what she'll do? What on earth will a 13 year old have to chat about with 14 adults?

It’s the “I assume it’s okay to bring Louise?” that would rip my knitting. Not “I have a massive favour to ask you. I know it’s a huge ask, but I’m really going to struggle to come to the wedding without Louise. I just can’t leave her at the moment. I’ll completely understand if it’s a no, but I might have to pull out as she’s got to be my priority at the moment.”

No, none of that. Just “I assume it’s okay”. And why? Because she knows you’ll be worried you’ll look like a bitch if you say no (hence the thread).