To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

I presume the social worker has encouraged it on the assumption that it’s a bar service. But it will actually be a buffet style with a wine machine. Without supervision, Louise could effectively help herself.

I'm not sure that's fair. Julia has already paid to attend the wedding and is now in a really difficult situation through no fault of her own.

But her current circumstances are completely different to when she was raising her own kids. She will have been assessed and regulated as a temporary foster carer which means she'll have certain expectations on her. If she takes Louise away and gets pissed she may well lose her regulation and Louise end up in care. I am sure she will have considered how to manage alcohol on the trip but it's ok to ask her about it.

I can’t see Julia staying sober purely to watch Louise. Julia has been brilliant with Louise and also works with children in a professional role but even so, at past do’s she has been known to get very drunk and starts acting daft and has to be taken off to bed.

Yet you think Louise is the liability at your very small wedding?

Anyway, it’s neither here nor there I suppose as I assume Julia won’t be coming if you say no to Louise. You don’t sound like you like her or have empathy for her all that much anyway so no harm done.

This. She's not a random child.

She does not have a cheek to ask, how uncaring. She's looking after this child full time, what is she supposed to do with her?? Foster children aren't pets - they can't be kennelled while their carer goes on holiday.

It’s a tiny wedding and totally understandable that you would not want a stranger there but especially not in these circs, with the alcohol issue and supervision concerns.

You’re totally right to explain to Julia that you are not able to invite her charge and then leave her to decide what that means for her (hopefully she won’t just turn up with her? She sounds a bit ‘fait accompli’).

Usually with a child who has been placed with external family, especially so recently, you wouldn’t be allowed to have non assessed people caring for them. It’s a huge responsibility (done it myself) and can be a significant life change.

Id definitely feel stuck too but it’s also whether you want to exclude and isolate your friend, or risk an incident at your wedding. She’s doing something caring and selfless and I wouldn’t want her to feel stuck , but also yes I can see if I had planned an intimate expensive wedding there would be some part of me that wanted to say no

It's a sunk cost. She should have checked first with the bride. A replacement guest may even have been possible. It's selfish of a guest to presume anything.

I would say I’m ever so concerned about how Louise will cope- there will be a lot of alcohol around and no one to keep an eye on her. Also, very much an extended family celebration at a time when Louise’s family are really struggling.

That you’d not thought that far ahead and now realise what a difficult situation it would be.

But I think I’d brace myself to accept that chances are she’ll insist on coming because she doesn’t want to miss out. And that there will be problems. Is there anyone you can assign to help? A non drinking parent that could keep an eye? It’s small enough that everyone there will know the backstory, I’m sure.

If my best friend referred to one of my blood relatives who has gone through a trauma - as a “random child” I wouldn’t want to attend the wedding anyway. I’d much rather stay home and care for the “random child”.

You’re probably right, it’s definitely different when you’re looking after someone else’s vulnerable child to when you’re looking after your own. She’s a teacher so I’m sure will understand this. I just had a slight niggle in my mind but maybe it’s just me being paranoid and trying to look for excuses to not invite Louise. That makes me seem like a right bitch

I'm glad my friends don't think like you. How unpleasant can you get?

Surely Louise should be in school?

Either way, I'd be completely honest with Julia and ask her how she is going to manage the risk around alcohol.

Be big hearted and invite Louise. 👍

Eh? She has asked the bride - that's why OP is posting, as she doesn't know how to handle the situation!

But she didn't have the child in her care when she booked to travel!!

I think you should ask your friend how she is planning on supervising/parenting with alcohol around you and other adults having alcohol. With her answer you can then decide if it’s something you want in your wedding.

I think it’s a lot of gall on the part of Julia.

The proper thing for her to have withdrawn “because I can’t leave Louise.” That would have allowed you to either extend the invitation or say you understand and have a catch-up later.

A young stranger who’s a troubled binge-drinker is not appropriate to the event. I say that as one who generally despises destination weddings.

I think you need to speak to Julia.

Personally I would explain why you have concerns, especially about the alcohol and the child. I would say that you would have no problem if Julia decided it was just too complicated to come, and that if she misses it you’ll celebrate at home. Has she told the social worker that there’s an all-you-can-drink buffet? If so what did the SW say?

If Julia is still keen for Louise to come I would set some clear non-negotiable boundaries- such as

• neither Julia nor Louise should drink at all;
• Julia needs to be sensitive to the fact that it’s your wedding and not allow Louise’s needs to take over (monopolising conversation, immature behaviour, tic tok dancing etc);
• The first sign of trouble or if you ask her to Julia has to take Louise out of the wedding/ reception immediately;
• both need fully inclusive travel insurance (if Louise needs to get her stomach pumped abroad or self harms it could be a disaster).

Her reaction to this will probably tell you all you need to know.

I would let Louise come and ask Julia not to drink alcohol so she can be 100% responsible for Louise.

She hasn't asked the bride. She's said "I assume it's okay to bring her". Not the same thing at all.

I think you need to talk to Julia about the alcohol situation and how she would manage it and your concerns about Louise accessing it, also how bored she might be during the actual wedding day.
what does your DP want to do with the situation?

Yeah, I can see that it would be difficult. I thought if she's in the room of the same hotel then Julia could check on her regularly. But maybe not enough given her circumstances.

Thing is, I doubt this poor kid would want to be at the wedding anyway! Will be boring as hell for teen who doesn't know anyone.

Your concern is valid but I would guess unlikely to have anything come of it. Chances are she’ll spend her days by the pool and not get blackout drunk at the wine station.

If you don’t want her to come fair enough, but you have to tell your friend.

If you’re ok with her coming then you need to have the conversation with your friend that she’s responsible for her.

Either way you need to talk to her. I mean you’re good friends how hard should it be?