To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Exactly. And I'm also one who is totally not into weddings, destination or otherwise.

Of course it is. She hasn't just invited Louise without checking.

I think you know it's not appropriate for Louise, and I think you're going to have to be honest with Julia about this.

Maybe something along the lines of 'I really appreciate you being prepared to cover Louise's expenses so you can still attend my wedding, and I would love for you to be there but, in our heart of hearts, I'm sure we both appreciate that a wedding with an open bar is not the best environment for a teen recovering from alcohol issues. A holiday does sound a wonderful idea though, perhaps the agent will let you change it to something more teen friendly. I do hope that we can catch up when we are back home and have a small celebration with you and Louise.'

All I'm sure of is that Julia needs to put Louise's best interests first, and if that means having to miss your wedding then so be it.

Don’t make excuses. Go back with similar to what you have said here. “I really don’t feel that it is the right environment for her to be in, we will have an open bar and lots of alcohol freely available. I don’t think any of us would forgive ourselves if something were to happen to her. I am sorry that you can’t come, maybe a break just the two of you would be a treat for her”

That's what happens sometimes. Unforseen events happen which mean a change of plan.

She has, she’s even told Louise all about it, adding in how Louise is really excited.

It’s not going to matter in a few years time. Most minor wedding details don’t linger, just the overall vibe. I couldn’t get upset about this

I don't think YABU, but I think you made it harder for yourself by not saying 'no' in the first place and by trying to make it look like you wouldn't mind but Social Care wouldn't allow it.

When 'Julia' first asked, I think you would have been better saying "Sorry, no. We've planned a really small, intimate wedding, to which we are not even inviting family members or other friends. I don't want to have someone I don't even know there. I realise this might make it difficult for you to attend and I hope something can be worked out, but we can't have people we don't know there."

Whereas obviously I feel sorry for 'Louise' and the situation she is in, but that isn't your issue to solve.

Julia was also wrong telling the child about the event before speaking with you.

This. And this is how I would word it. It’s inappropriate and goes against the principle involved in having just close family and friends present. I think that’s enough to be saying no, to be honest. Julia will be unable to give guarantees that Louise won’t be a problem, but if she’s insistent I would ask her how she would handle the end of the friendship which would inevitably follow the wedding being disrupted or ruined.

Just tell her ‘I’m worried you are going to get drunk’, and see how she replies.

So would I.

“Of course she can come to Malta, but who will be looking after her during the wedding? You know we’ve had to keep the guest list tiny and there’s no way we could squeeze her in.”

It's manipulative

Just be totally honest, if you’re that close she deserves that. Say you don’t want to upset her and that you understand everything Louise is going through and voice your concerns, maybe Julia isn’t planning to drink as she has Louise with her?

If she'd already (properly) invited Louise, she would just have turned up to Malta with her in tow - as it is, she's spoken to the OP and given her a chance to say "no, this won't work".

Whether Louise is excited or not isn't really relevant to anything.

Also is there any chance at all that you could change the drinks arrangements so that you have, say, a soft drinks and maybe beer self-service but wine and spirits are served by someone? And obviously not to Louise? If Louise does come that’s what I’d do, in the longer term it would probably be the less worrying option.

Good advice I'd go with this

What's concerning me is that Julia asked the social worker AND told Louise before she agreed it with OP.

I just see it as Julia being stuck in a really difficult position and trying to please everyone. I find a lot of the nasty comments pretty galling to read, in all honesty.

Poor Louise, and poor Julia. Neither of them chose this and Julia is just trying to solve the problem without upsetting someone.

Julia was literally told by the social worker that no alcohol can be allowed in the house.

If you've talked about this with Julia (which I'm guessing you have as you know this much detail), I think it's fine to say-'I know the social worker said no alcohol can be allowed in the house. This wedding will have a help yourself bar with loads of available wine on tap, which doesn't really fit with that rule. Will you be not drinking to monitor her?'

It's your friend's propensity to let loose with alcohol that is the issue here. You've no idea whether she'll exercise self control at the wedding or end up 3 sheets to the wind whilst in charge of a vulnerable young girl who needs 24/7 support particularly where the presence of booze is concerned. I'd say no, there are too many variables in the mix and your wedding is not the right place to test these out.

Yes she has. She's said "I assume I can bring Louise" and told Louise all about it so now the poor kid is all excited.

I think she actually has. Nowhere has OP indicated that she said Louise could attend when asked, and yet the wedding has obviously been mentioned and Louise has been given the impression she will be going - OP says Julia advised that she was excited about going on a plane and has perked up at the thought of being on holiday. Julia even cleared it with social services before mentioning it. So I think it’s massively manipulative.

Its a unforeseen change of circumstances and to say your the niece can't attend would likely mean that your friend is unable to leave her with anyone else longer than a couple of nights without her going into foster care.

Its difficult, as you and your friend have very different priorities. You are having an intimate wedding with people special to you. Your friend is now caring for a traumatised relative that was not planned.

Either you let the girl come and make it clear to your friend that it is an intimate wedding, you don't want her in your pictures, she's likely going to be bored, and no one os taking any responsibility for her. If she drinks then you will ask your friend and the girl to leave.

Or you say to your friend that the niece can't come and risk your friend not coming. This is likely to ruin your friendship.