To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

You don't think very much of your friend.

I did say she is more than aware of the pet fools of the child being around alcohol and despite the fact that prior to taking the child on she like to drink and have a bit of fun, I am sure she realises that she can't behave like that now especially when the child is there.

Why are you friends with someone you think so little of?

If it was one of my friends, I would totally have expected them to bring the child and made that totally clear to them. In the situation where she is fostering the child, they're probably isn't anyone she's allowed to leave her with, and even if she is, she can't come on this 'holiday' without her now that she has got her so excited about it. Obviously, that's her doing not yours, but even so

It's going to mean both of them coming or neither of them coming & the difference between your relationship friendship continuing or not.

Those are your choices to make & they need to be made sharpish as presumably she's already spent money on flights and hotel. Hopefully she can change the flights and hotel to somewhere they can both go for a holiday if you are going to say no.

Ah what a shit situation. Julia sounds like an amazing person taking her in but a wedding in a venue with drink readily available and accessible really isn't the best place for a child with what she's battling. I wonder was the social worker made explicitly aware she'd be around alcohol at the wedding because if she had to remove all the alcohol from her house for the girl to move in I'd be shocked that this is OK.

I am inclined to agree that by excluding Louise you will no doubt exclude Julia .
Perhaps you could have a quiet word with Julia and explain that it is your wedding and whilst you do understand all that the child has gone through, Julia must be ‘the parent’ and take full responsibility for her niece and if there’s any problems she is expected to remove her. Julia is the guardian, not you or anyone else at the wedding.
It might be the ideal opportunity for the poor girl to turn a corner, which would be lovely.

Oh this is hard! I am assuming that there wouldn’t be anyone suitable to leave Louise with, and also that she needs stability etc at the moment anyway, so like others have said it’s both or neither. Julia has probably asked you because she wants to be there for you but knows it’s not possible to come alone.

I think your best way forward is to be kind but open about your worries, you do seem to be coming from a good place and considering things that would be hard for Louise e.g. alcohol and being around someone else’s family when she’s away from her etc.

It could be that Louise knows she needs to be on her best behaviour, would really enjoy it, and it all goes really well, but it also might be too much for her to cope with at the moment. Talking to Julia is probably the best way to work it out.

It’s not exactly a random child is it? It’s your best friends foster child, and her niece. Who has clearly been through trauma. What’s Julia supposed to do, leave her at home? You’ve got two options really - embrace it, or say no to Julia in which case you’ll probably lose your friendship.

I can see the issue

My 2p is... julia is having a HARD time

Invite the niece BUT... problem solve with Julia.

Explain the alcohol situation and say niece is welcome to attend cermony but you and Julia both know given her current state she should not / cannot be around freely accessible alcohol. Louise needs support and protection from herself.

You thought what might work well is for her to attend the ceremony and whatever else... so she is part of the day then for the rest part of the day the hotel can arrange a baby sitter chaperone to watch movies / do fafe masks / have pizza with her while julia attends the party. That way Julia can relax because everything up to now must get crazy stressful for her.

Another option is julia stays 💯 sober to watch Louise.

That poor child shouldnt be unsupervised.

If you dont invite the niece I suspect your friendship will be over.

Maybe say on condition Julia stays sober to ensure teen isn’t sneaking drinks. Say you’re worried given her history so would like some reassurance she will stay sober and monitor closely. Bet she then decides to leave her at home.

Can't Louise come for the holiday but stay in the hotel room reading/watching TV etc during the wedding itself? You could perhaps tell Julia that the catering us all booked and you can't accommodate an extra guest.

I'd be sympathetic in the circumstances but also annoyed at her assuming she could bring Louise rather than asking first!

How do you know Julia will drink? She might take her responsibility to Louise seriously?

Pre children, DH and I both liked to drink. After having children, we made sure we stayed sober, while looking after the children (most of the time), as we always thought rolling up to A & E, reeking of alcohol, with one of the children needing treatment, wasn’t a good look!

What does your fiancee think?

Ooo this is hard OP, so I don’t know why you’re getting any grief about this.
I would frame it as “it’s a shame you can’t drink at my wedding but we can arrange a night when we’re back” and if she comes back with fair enough, then you know she won’t plan on drinking. If she asks why wouldn’t she be drinking, then you say you assumed she wouldn’t be as she can’t drink around Louise. Also remind her there will be a lot of booze in the wedding, can she make sure Louise doesn’t even touch a drop

Considering you count her as a close friend, you don’t trust her much.

You don’t know she’ll even be drinking. She has been kind hearted enough to take this young person in, so maybe she’ll make different choices and leave the booze alone. People can make other choices when given new responsibilities.

I’d have a really open frank conversation with your friend about your concerns to get reassurance she won’t drink etc. If friend has a strop about it then she probably won’t want to come anymore, but hopefully you will get some reassurances. And then id allow it considering the girl already knows about the trip and you’d look like a cow for saying no. I appreciate it’s your wedding and you want the best, but this girl is going through an incredibly hard time and the next few weeks and months are critical in her life, I can’t imagine saying no to this.

Being so close to your friend, why don’t you just ask what precautions she will put in place to prevent the child from drinking whilst away, specifically at the wedding reception. I would explain the ‘logistics’ of the all inclusive bar. I would be transparent and say you were concerned for the girls welfare and that your reception goes smoothly. For all you know, your friend may have decided to stay sober now all traces of alcohol have been removed from her house and she’s such a responsibility on her shoulder.

I honestly think ‘not knowing the child- blah blah’ is waffle. Your friend has done an amazing thing, don’t jade the issues with fluff like this. Being an adult you surely understand the weight of the situation, and if you want your friend there, providing she’s taking precautions to safeguard the child, I think you should be more understanding and accommodating.

This is the thing. I feel awful saying I’m not sure I’d trust Julia to stay sober and watch Louise. I’ve been friends with her for decades. Julia’s 2 kids are in their 20s but there was many a do in the past when they were young where she had one too many and other friends took over childcare.

I can’t say for sure she’d do this whilst watching Louise but I do feel it’s a possibility.

Oof that’s a hard one. I wouldn’t be happy with this either tbh op.

I don’t understand posters claiming that she isn’t a random child to op either… she is a random child. How close are you to your best friends nieces?

No doubt she’ll be in your wedding photos too?

I’d have to insist that Julia doesn’t drink if she wants her to come.
I actually think this is really rude of your friend. And I’m someone who doesn’t give a shit about weddings.

The problem is that if you say "no" to Louise, Julia won't be able to attend either. I guess it depends how much you want your best friend at your wedding and what the fall out will be if she has to cancel.

No absolutely not and she's got a cheek even asking!

It is not your responsibility to be this persons emotional support and especially around your wedding! Absolutely not!

How do you know Julia will drink? She might take her responsibility to Louise seriously?

She’s already told Louise all about this holiday and got her hopes up, without even checking with the bride if she minds having a traumatised, alcohol drinking, self harming, suicidal random teenager at her wedding.

The kid isn’t supposed to be around alcohol.

Julia is alreadynot taking her responsibilities seriously.

The child will be bored rigid at such a small wedding where she only knows one other person and there's no one else her age. Julia should not have assumed but I would make it a condition of her car for Louise that Julia does not drink at all at the wedding.

Would you feel comfortable bringing up those times in your conversation with her?

She's not some random, whether you like it or not, she's connected to you

I think I would say she is obviously welcome to bring her to stay with her, but not to the actual wedding. Then it's up to Julia to see if there is a way this works. Surely she could just hang out by the pool for the day. Or in the room. Maybe the hotel offers some kind of baby-sitting services? (Tricky age for that though). Or is there some kind of activity/outing she could be booked on for the day with other teens? That seems the most workable.

A good friend wouldn't have put you in this position. They'd have apologised for declining late.

If she's one of 12 people there, Id imagine her friendship is important to you? I'm guessing she's already paid out a lot to attend. Of course you can say no if you want to, but I would expect that could be the end of your friendship. And if she doesn't attend, I'd expect she'll still be on holiday there, with the DC which could be more awkward.