To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

She isn’t a random child. Fuck me.. The attitude people have towards others is astounding.

I'm in favour of having children in the family at a wedding, but this is different. You don't know this child at all, the wedding is extremely small and a rare holiday for your family to enjoy together, and the issue of the alcohol makes it much trickier.

Julia should never have mentioned her idea to her niece until after you'd approved it. I'd be particularly annoyed with her for adding that extra layer of guilt. I think it would feel awkward to ask Louise to stay in the hotel by herself during the wedding, and I'm not sure that would be a good idea, anyway.

Julia's history of overindulging in alcohol at parties is just the cherry on top. How dare she put you in this spot? I don't think I'd accept it, but I'd be aware that this may put a strain on the friendship. However, it's a strain either way! If you say Louise isn't invited, Julia will likely be upset, but if you allow it and it adds to your stress (even if nothing bad actually happens) you'll probably resent Julia for giving you more to worry about and essentially forcing you to invite her niece against your wishes.

I mean, it’s your choice to not allow it, but it will likely mean your friend can’t come, as how could she possibly in these circumstances?

As unreasonable as it may seem, I’d probably distance myself from you if I were her

Not much of a friend are you?

Mostly agree. But if Louise attends and ruins it the friendship is ended anyway.

Julia could have resolved it quite easily by explaining to the bride why she can no longer go and not getting Louise all excited about an event she wasn't even aware of. Or she could have, instead, simply booked a holiday in the same location for the same time and maybe met up with the bride before or after the wedding but away from the pressure of boozing.

I'm reading it like Julia knows she can't attend without Louise and is just assuming OP knew that and would be okay with her tagging along.

This would be a real hard NO from me, even at the cost if my relationship with my friend. This isnt a package holiday its your wedding day and I would be buggered if I was walking round on eggshells on the most significant day of my life. Say no with no guilt.

Rather that then have her wedding day ruined. It is completely inappropriate of her to even ask OP. This is your wedding, not a standard holiday, and the girl clearly has experienced a lot of trauma. She cannot be left on her own in a hotel room for an entire day so will inevitably end up coming to the wedding.

I think it's very easy to sit here and come up with easy solutions when you're not the one whose emotions are caught up in the situation. Julia didn't know any of this was going to happen and is just trying to find a solution that pleases everyone.

Your friend was bang out of order to tell Louise about the wedding. The poor kid probably can’t wait - a trip abroad, a party, and an escape from life after all she has been through.
She’s not a random teenager, but she is a young girl with significant issues and not properly supervised, or if she gets triggered by something and gets upset, it’s not a safe space for her. If she has tried to commit suicide recently, she needs stability and routine, not a party to
distract her.
If it were here, there are still the same dangers but once you are abroad, how would you navigate an emergency? Because one could occur quite easily if Louise gets upset or overwhelmed.
Julia has done a lovely thing taking her in but I have a feeling it’s her who needs a break. She’s just crossing her fingers it will all go well.
She needs to put Louise’s true wellbeing first and if she wants to take her on a trip, a quieter one closer to home would be more appropriate.

It's so bloody depressing, isn't it?

I imagine she is planning not to drink in front of Louise.

You have the chance to show your friend that you support her and to show her foster child that she's welcome with her new family. Take it.

It might be a bit more stress and it might mean the party is a little different but a young girl has had her life turned upside down and I would do anything I could to help.

I would say no. It’s not about not liking your friend, it’s about knowing your friend, and that she has form for getting drunk when responsible for children. It’s too big a risk at your wedding.

I would be really honest with her, and say you're concerned that it's going to affect the intimate numbers of the wedding and you're even more concerned about the availability of alcohol. Given she's foster caring, I would ask her to stay off the drink herself so she can supervise Louise at all times. And explain that you trust her to do so. If she can't agree to that, she doesn't come.

So having planned a wedding with only the people who mean the most to OP present, she’s now expected to accommodate this girl about whom she knows nothing except that she has an alcohol problem and is unstable. There will be alcohol at the wedding and other circumstances which may trigger Louise. And to top it all, Julia has assumed that OP will say yes to her coming - to the point of clearing it with social services before even mentioning it, and has clearly already advised Louise that she will be having a holiday. This is OP’s wedding, not some random night out. I’d say it’s Julia who’s not much of a friend. She should have advised OP that circumstances had changed and stepped back.

Im not saying this is what you should do as your wedding is obviously a HUGE deal and this was really not what you wanted to happen. But personally would see it as an unexpected opportunity to demonstrate some love to someone who really desperately needed it and just suck it up. Julia is trying to do some good by including this young girl in her life and giving her better circumstances. Julia really should have run it all by you before speaking to louise, but she didn't and I could forgive that as she probably has tunnel vision for the situation she's in right now. I would however make Julia agree to not a drop of alcohol passing her lips for the duration of the trip as you don't want to have to give even a second of your wedding trip to worrying about what Louise is up to or if Julia is fit to supervise.

I don't think you'd sound a bitch at all, in fact I think Julia is being really cheeky to ask it of you! Particularly saying she "doesn't mind" paying for flights etc - um, yeah, if you invite someone last minute to someone else's celebration the very least you can do is not expect them to subsidise a guest they don't even want!

I'd play it by not making out it's Louise in particular you have any issue with but that it would be the same for any guest. From what you've said it sounds like even Julia's own children, whom I presume you know well, aren't coming. So maybe something like,

"I'm really sorry but I don't think it would be appropriate for Louise to come. As you know it's a very small wedding, there are multiple family members who aren't bringing their partners or children due to this. It would be really awkward for me to explain to (my/your fiance's best friend aunt/cousin/etc) why their DC/partner couldn't come when a random teenager I barely know (/have never met) is there, and would cause a lot of arguments and unhappiness which I'm sure you understand I don't want on my wedding day. Even if I explained Louise's circumstances (which I don't really think is fair to her), I don't think people would be understanding. If it was a bigger event of course she would be welcome, but given that even your own DC, whom I've known since they were kids, aren't coming, I can't justify inviting Louise."

You could also add how she would be bored if there are no other kids her age there/ that she might get upset by the child of a similar age to her sibling, etc.

You could offer to do something nice with Louise and her - day out etc? when you're back as an alternative.

If she still insists I would absolutely be asking her to send across the money for food, and she can sort out the plane ticket herself.

It might also mean her wedding being ruined and the end of the friendship with Julia.

I don’t think that would work. She is obviously going to say that she won’t ge5 drunk but that is no guarantee that she will stick to that when the temptation is there.
It absolutely infuriates me when people assume ‘it’ll be all right on the night’! What if it isn’t? It’ll be too late then.
Tell her it’s either her on her own, or nothing. I’m sure there’ll be someone who can look after the child.

The girl is 13. It’s extremely unlikely she would have been invited in any other circumstances?
Not inviting friends children to a small wedding hardly qualifies as exclusion.

wow perfect example of how weddings make people loose their minds. Poor kid and friend having to step in to help and all you can do is think about your wedding. Weddings seem to make some women lose all perspective on life and basic human compassion!!!

Perfect - and even more so because it seems Julia can't even be trusted to stay sober at this one event so that she can prevent problems

I wouldn't mention that rationale to her though; I'd just say no and if she's wasted money already on flights and got a wound-up teen she'll have to cope with that's her problem for "assuming"

Very tricky situation. You basically have 2 options - 1. Say no to both and risk your friendship or 2. Tell her not to drink and if she does, they'll both be asked to leave. She's a CFer for making the assumption, though.