To not allow random child to my destination wedding?

[SmithyCakeJun]

Getting married in Malta in 2 weeks time. Dream wedding in a gorgeous hotel where me and my fiancé had our first holiday. My family aren’t well off so we’ve been supporting some of them to come, so costs added up quickly. Overall, it’s only going to be a small wedding with close family, and 2 very close friends on each side present.

My best friend, I will call her Julia, has recently had a family situation arise and has taken temporary foster care of her niece Louise, who is 13. Louise has had a huge trauma and has been drinking (very badly to the point of hospitalisation and Julia had to get rid of all alcohol in the house in order to take in Louise) and self-harming. She was taken in by Julia after a suicide attempt which involved drinking and a paracetamol overdose.

Julia has today text me saying “I assume it’s okay that I bring Louise? She will stay in my twin room and I don’t mind paying for the flights and her meals. I think the holiday will really do her good x”

I don’t really want a random girl at my wedding. I’m sympathetic to her situation but there’s literally going to be about 12 people there. Louise is nothing to do with me. We will have booze available at the wedding in the style of an all-inclusive buffet where you get your glass and fill-up yourself at the machine. Julia is lovely but likes a drink and I can see her having a few and not supervising Louise properly. I don’t want my wedding interrupted by Louise becoming drunk and I don’t want to deal with the anxiety of this girl’s presence when I’m trying to enjoy my wedding reception. Louise has also been separated from a toddler sister and is very devastated about this, there will be a toddler girl present at the wedding on the same dinner table that Julia and Louise would be sitting and I’m concerned this is going to upset her.

I didn’t want to sound like a cow so I responded “Are social services okay with you taking Louise out of the country?” hoping that this would change her mind but she replied back that she’s already cleared it with them and that Louise’s social worker is actually encouraging it as being good for Louise’s mental health. It’s not a formal foster arrangement yet so Julia is allowed to bring Louise on holiday with parent’s permission that she has already got. Julia also sent texts about how Louise has never been on a plane before and is really excited and has perked up at the thought of a holiday with her auntie.

I don’t know how to respond to my friend without seeming like a bitch. I am aware that if Louise can’t come then Julia is likely to not come. AIBU?

Maybe you could respond to Julia and just say that you hope it won't too hard for her and Louise being around other people drinking when they aren't able to drink. If Julia comes back and says that of course she will be drinking, you can then express your concerns.

If you gave Julia a ‘plus one’ invitation then you have less of a leg to stand on if you hadn’t specified an adults only wedding. After all, she could have been married to or going g out with an alcoholic

If she only received an invitation for herself, then she has no right to suggest bringing another person to the ceremony or do

I think I’d just say ‘I think it will be lovely for Louise. Poor you not being able to drink though, but at least you’ll be certain that she won’t have helped herself to the wine machine! Will she be ok with the toddler there? I’d hate for her to get upset, so will you warn her that toddler will be there beforehand? Give her time to prepare herself. So happy you’ll both be there’.

And if she queries the not drinking bit, then that’s a whole other conversation. One that is likely to result in her not coming, so be prepared for that, because however much you love her and however kind you want to be, it’s unacceptable that you become de facto babysitter for a child with alcohol issues because her aunt also has alcohol issues and has become too drunk to care for her. There is a very firm line and that would be her crossing it, so if she does say something like ‘I’ll be able to have a couple’ then you need to say ‘You are my friend. I love you and I’m not judging you. But I also know you. It’s my wedding day. There are only a few of us there. I want to celebrate with my loved ones. I can’t have any responsibility for making sure Louise isn’t at the wine thing if two drinks turns into four, which turns into six, you’re a bit tipsy and having fun. And she’s just a traumatised little girl, she can’t be expected not to try if that’s her coping strategy. I want you there so much and would do anything to have you there, but being responsible for watching her isn’t fair on me or anyone else, not on my wedding day’.

Yes, it's very difficult. I personally would be happy to let someone bring their niece in these circumstances, but I understand why not everyone would want this.

I think I'd phrase it as

'Are you sure Louise will be OK around all the booze, it's not going to be a bar, it's just a help yourself thing plus there's going to be a little one, sane age as her sister. You won't be able to drink either because you'll be watching her, she's absolutely welcome, of course, but just don't want you to be stressed out and not enjoying yourself and her upset, not knowing anyone and missing her sister.'

Bring it up from a place of concern. Julia will probably feel very protective of her so might be defensive if you hint that you don't really want her there.

I agree. She's gone for the "ask for forgiveness rather than permission" approach in assuming OP will be fine with this. But that's inviting Louise without checking with the OP...

If it were me I'd politely explain why I wasn't happy with Louise attending the wedding and that I understood that would mean Julia couldn't come either unless there was a way for Louise to come for the holiday and not the wedding itself (most 13yos could be left in a hotel room for a few hours but a vulnerable teen might not be able to be left depending on the circumstances). If something happens at the wedding then that will damage the friendship anyway...

And this isn’t a random package holiday, it’s OP’s wedding, and there is huge potential for it to be ruined.

I think there's two separate issues: 1) you not wanting someone you don't know at your wedding, and 2) if it'll be safe for Louise.

Re 1) I think you need to accept that Louise is now part of Julia's life. Re 2) I think this is very valid and you need to talk to Julia re the alcohol and how to make sure Louise can't access it and that Julia stays sober so she can look after Louise. If Julia agrees to stay sober and supervise Louise, can you move the wine so that it's a bit harder to get to? And make sure there's some grown-up non-alcoholic drinks. I'd also talk to Julia, is she planning Louise comes to the reception - I'm not sure from your description that Louise is ok being left. You and Julia may be thinking of different things at the moment so a conversation so neither of you are making assumptions of what is planned would be wise.

She's not random - she is your best friend's foster daughter.
Who your best friend has 'taken in' due to a family issue.
Say no and the friendship will end.

“I presume the social worker has encouraged it on the assumption that it’s a bar service. But it will actually be a buffet style with a wine machine. Without supervision, Louise could effectively help herself.”

You've only her word for it that the SW was encouraging this , very convenient for her.
The nerve of her telling the child before checking with you , proper CF territory.
No I wouldn’t be apologising or explaining my position other than to say it’s an intimate wedding and the child isn’t invited . No need for excuses or conversations about alcohol, she’ll just argue with any points you raise anyway .
Your friend will have to miss the wedding as she has important family issues at home to deal with , it’s not the end of the world , it’s priorities.

I’d be inclined to say Julia can bring Louise along but must commit to staying sober and keeping a close eye on Louise, Julia’s response will give you a good idea of how responsible she will be in looking after Louise. Ask what her back up plan would be if it isn’t working out-will she end the holiday or ceremony early. Can they move to a different hotel which would give you all more options if things don’t go well?
Whatever you decide, I really think you should ask to get this thread deleted, if someone knows your friend, or worse her niece it is extremely outing.
Good luck, I hope all goes well with the wedding and holiday 😊

I have to confess it is hard for me to understand why it would be awful to run these scenarios past Julia. These are real risks and you are a very reasonable person to assess them, rather than an awful bitch. It would probably be unreasonable not to think about these risks. I can imagine a scenario where Julia is deeply ashamed about her drinking and flies off the handle if this is broached, however diplomaticallly - is that the case?

I would actually meet her face to face. Given it's a small wedding and she's clearly a very dear friend. I would meet her and explain. I would also make it clear you're offering support to your friend who is in a very intense and difficult situation- seems like there is a lot more to her life at the moment than your wedding.

Yes, my wedding is my priority. We wanted it to be small and intimate. Fiancés sister is there who he hasn’t seen for over 10 years due to visa issues, with her child (his nephew) who he’s never been able to meet before. One of the family members I will have there is terminally ill. We didn’t want to spend time small talking to people we don’t know. I’d be stressing about how to make my friends niece feel included

being welcome with the new family doesn't mean that if one member of a family is invited to an event that EVERY OTHER member automatically accompanies them EVERY TIME, though!

Given Julia's own children aren't going, it's not like Louise is the only one excluded. If Louise was just Julia's youngest dd with no extenuating circumstances, she wouldn't be expected to go on her mum's nights out with her, just like Julia wouldn't attend if Louise had a sleepover with her friends!

If it was a big party then OP would be unreasonable to not invite Louise solely if she was worried about how she would behave. But in these very specific circumstances I see it as more akin to Julia asking if she can bring a new partner last minute, and OP saying no because she doesn't know him well and it's an intimate ceremony with only her very closest family.

It is a tough one but this is your wedding and I think it was inappropriate of Julia to suggest Louise come, when there will be no other children. I don't think you need to go into details of all the things that could go wrong but just explain that you have planned a very small intimate wedding and it wouldn't be appropriate for Louise to attend as you gave not included other people's children. However, you will have to prepare yourself for Julia saying she is unable to attend.

It’s not an ideal situation for any of you, but Julia should not have assumed. Be honest with Julia & tell her it’s your wedding & you don’t want anything to spoil your day.

Why do weddings always seem to being the absolute worst out in the bride?!?! Like they lose all humility. So odd

There are times when you put your own desires aside to accommodate a child who has had a hard time. Your own wedding is not one of them.

I had no children at my wedding but made an exception for one of my guests who was a foster parent as they can't just get a babysitter.

Does your friend have a partner? If yes, if yes I'd probably expect she leaves Louise with them. If no I'd extend the invite without a thought.

Julia shouldn’t have assumed anything. That tells me a lot about her.

This isn’t a random party, it’s OPs intimate wedding and to assume that she could just bring someone else, regardless of the circumstances is a poor show

Yes nobody expected this to be the circumstances but if I was Julia I would have either asked OP, not assumed, before saying anything to Louise or the SW

Or (and this is more likely what I would do) apologise that I couldn’t attend and plan a different trip with Louise at the same time

Time to speak up OP or you will not have the wedding you want and that is something you will remember for ever

She’s not a random kid, she’s your best friend’s niece. Have some decorum. That being said I don’t think this wedding is the best place for her. The liabilities are way too high for me.

There really is a lack on humanity on here when it comes to weddings. You like your friend enough to have her at a small intimate wedding. So trust her to manage the child in her emergency care.

Completely agree with this too - especially the bit about wondering just how much of a "friend" Julia is if she can't leave the booze alone long enough to support her niece with her difficulties

And OP’s wedding is not some random package holiday - which is exactly how Julia is viewing it. If OP says yes, the potential for Julia and Louise to ruin the wedding is significant. If that happens the friendship is at an end anyway. Given the circumstances I would be very reluctant to say yes, and I would be furious with Julia for being so manipulative as to check with social services and actually getting the girl excited about a ‘holiday with auntie’ before even asking if it was OK.