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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

531 replies

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:06

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

OP posts:
FenellaFeldman · 19/04/2025 08:09

I think it depends who this family member is. How close?
Is it a person who may not have the funds for such an event, perhaps?

FenellaFeldman · 19/04/2025 08:10

Also, to be fair, she's not "gladly" missing your wedding if she thinks that the main celebration is in the UK.

KrisAkabusi · 19/04/2025 08:10

It's the risk you take when you have a destination wedding. Not everyone will be able to travel. The dog might be the reason she's giving you, there could be others. You are being unreasonable for saying she will 'gladly' miss your wedding g. You don't know how she feels about it.

myplace · 19/04/2025 08:11

I think we forget that other people’s lives look very different from within.

My dog frets. He’s rarely alone since lockdown. When I had a week away, he chewed a raw patch on his haunches and had to go to the vet.

I don’t go far now.

Annual leave can be an issue (not for me as I can’t go anywhere because of the dog 🤣). You are asking people to use some of the 21 out of 365 days they have available to spend with their partner and do essential DIY and wait in for the plumber.

Helpmeplease2025 · 19/04/2025 08:11

If you get married abroad, you have to assume that anyone might not be able to come. You can’t demand anyone comes, and it doesn’t matter how much notice you give them.

Octavia64 · 19/04/2025 08:12

A lot of people who will make an effort for a wedding don’t consider a party worth the same level of effort.

it’s quite common that if you get legally married abroad/in a small ceremony and have a party later that at least some people will be offended that they weren’t invited to the actual wedding and definitely won’t consider the party of the same status.

personally I don’t care, but this is definitely a thing.

Pinkflowersspring · 19/04/2025 08:12

Are you paying for all the flights and accommodation? If not, that’s probably why she can’t come.

FenellaFeldman · 19/04/2025 08:12

Also, it's 2 years ahead, and some people genuinely don't like to commit that far in advance.

Vettrianofan · 19/04/2025 08:13

Just marry there yourselves. Why put the financial strain on others?

Dueanamechange2025 · 19/04/2025 08:14

Does the person ever travel without the dog? If yes, then YANBU. If no, then YABU.

I have a friend who has a rescue and it’s so anxious if it’s not with her, her DM or her DP that she just can’t leave it with anyone else. They haven’t been on holiday (except UK where they can take the dog) for years. They have a saving fund to spend on dream holidays once it’s passed to make up for it.

SilverButton · 19/04/2025 08:14

You asked people beforehand if they would be up for it, and you've got your answer. What was the point of asking if you were going to get so upset by someone saying no?

Inertia · 19/04/2025 08:15

If you want people to come to the wedding, make it accessible for them.

If you have a destination wedding, you have to accept that many people won’t be able to come for a variety of reasons- dogs, work, childcare, cost .

Why not have the honeymoon in your favourite place in Italy instead?

MyUmberSeal · 19/04/2025 08:15

Honestly, weddings abroad are a total ball-ache (in my opinion, I am totally on board with others who find them a joy), I would use any excuse going to get out of it. In the kindest way, people don’t feel the same sense of profound occasion that the bride and groom feel about their wedding day. This can be hard for people to reconcile sometimes.

Canterranter · 19/04/2025 08:15

You regularly see people recommending making excuses when someone doesn't want to do something, or they can't, usually for financial reasons. Her dog may well be her excuse.

ScrewedByFunding · 19/04/2025 08:15

It's very self indulgent to plan an expensive wedding abroad (for guests- it might be cheaper for you but it's not for them!) And then be arsey people can't come. Dog care for a holiday is another expense, several hundred pounds.

Seagreensmokeyblue · 19/04/2025 08:15

Tbh OP "dream weddings" may seem the most important thing in the world for the bride, and possibly the groom, but for a lot of the other people who are expected to be involved they are actually a real problem. A cause of a lot of expense, inconvenience and calls on their time which they could do without.

If someone doesn't want to attend, for whatever reason, I don't see why the onus should be on them to do so.

rookiemere · 19/04/2025 08:15

Do you want them to give the real reason which is likely to be that they don’t want to spend £2k + going to a wedding, oh and they would need to find a dog sitter? If you choose to get married abroad- unless one of you is from there - then it’s beholden on you to be gracious when people decline to come.

Sundaydrizzle · 19/04/2025 08:15

You can't have an abroad wedding and ve upset if people don't attend, you just can't.

MelonElla · 19/04/2025 08:16

You're expecting her to travel to Italy for your wedding and not inviting her partner? I wouldn't go either.

Newgirls · 19/04/2025 08:16

Have a wedding at home and honeymoon in Italy. People are self focused and you are just making work for yourself.

MarchInHappiness · 19/04/2025 08:16

When I was a poor solo mum, to get out of events that cost money I used my dog as an excuse why I couldnt come. I felt ashamed to say I was skint.

FenellaFeldman · 19/04/2025 08:17

Inertia · 19/04/2025 08:15

If you want people to come to the wedding, make it accessible for them.

If you have a destination wedding, you have to accept that many people won’t be able to come for a variety of reasons- dogs, work, childcare, cost .

Why not have the honeymoon in your favourite place in Italy instead?

Yes, I often think this is a good solution. Have the wedding here, the honeymoon at the destination.

rookiemere · 19/04/2025 08:17

Oh and when you say cheaper, you mean cheaper for you of course. It can hardly be cheaper for your guests who have to buy flights and accommodation for presumably at least 3 nights.

MidnightPatrol · 19/04/2025 08:17

So I think asking people to go to Italy for a wedding is a big ask and it’s inevitable people won’t come…

… but not being able to leave the dog for a few days is a poor excuse.

Might she be annoyed her partner isn’t invited as not ‘immediate family’? I’m not against an international wedding… but I wouldn’t go on my own and would think mental to expect me to come without my partner.

ConnieSlow · 19/04/2025 08:17

So you want to put people through expenses, booking annual leave, not invite their partner and be upset they won’t come? I think people who do these destinations deserve to be let down. The entitlement on other people’s lives and the expectation to then put themselves out just for your day is so unbelievably selfish. Have the wedding with just you two in Italy and then have the UK one everyone to attend. And you saying it’s 2027 means you think she has time to save as if you are owed that.

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