To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

It's awful to be put on the spot like that. I hope things are better for you now. 💜

What would the cost be for this person? Is it cheaper for them, too?

A dog is involved. Have you not been around the past few years, everyone will automatically side with the dog 😂😂

My family won’t leave their dogs. They are working dogs and whilst friendly don’t really respond to other people. The dogs would not enjoy being away for days.
Even if they could stay with someone costs have gone up dramatically. Kennels are £££££ and require jabs etc. Sitters expect a lot of money to sit a dog overnight. On top of paying for a holiday.

She's probably using the dog as an excuse to save your feelings, you'd likely be even more offended if she told you her real reasons.

Who on earth wants to commit to a wedding in Italy, in 2 years time?

Cost might be a worry for her, and she's using the dog as a reason. Perhaps embarrassment on her side, and she doesn't want to mention the cost issue?

Be kind - organanising and paying to go to a foreign wedding is a lot that you're asking of people.

im pretty sure she can afford it because she would only need flights as the packages that I’ve looked at include accommodation, and I’ve given 2 years notice. still, if finances were the reason, I would understand. That’s why I asked people first rather than just going ahead and booking it, because I know everyone’s finances are different.
However that isn’t the reason she has given me. And we tell each other absolutely everything and there’s been times in the past where she’s said “ah sorry I can’t make that, I won’t be able to afford it yet as I’ve just paid for this” she is upfront with me, and I was planning on her being my maid of honour. So I won’t be having it abroad anymore but I just feel a little hurt by it. Not enough to cause drama but.. just wanted to see if my feelings are justified or if I’m being silly

When you plan a destination wedding there's a higher risk that people won't come, it probably is an excuse but it's awkward saying i don't want to spend money and time off from work on going to a wedding in a place I have no desire to go to. If there's a celebration back home then presumably they'll go to that? Personally I'd do as others have suggested and get married here and have a honeymoon aborad- you'd actually be able to enjoy it then!

YABU not to invite her partner.

Just get married here and have your honeymoon in your special place in Italy.

Or don't be surprised when people say they can't make it. The reason they give you is not always the honest reason!!

It's far more likely she doesn't want to spend the time effort and money to go to Italy without her partner.

You are giving mixed messages op. Expecting people to travel abroad is a big ask unless their normal life includes lots or holidays or work trips. Don’t try to push people out of their comfort zones then get all hurt and offended when they refuse.

This! I am more than happy to attend stuff without my husband/children and definitely not joined at the hip BUT I probably wouldn't fancy a wedding abroad without him as I'd prefer to travel/stay with someone. Maybe the dog is just an excuse? Either way, it doesn't work for her so yes. YABU.

Tbf you don’t know if she’s ‘gladly’ missing your wedding. She could argue you are ‘gladly’ having her miss your wedding in order to have it in Italy.
maybe she just can’t afford it and is using this as an excuse, or she knows her dog won’t go to anyone else without being distressed or poorly behaved, maybe she can’t afford a sitter or for her DP to take holiday from work to watch the dog or something else entirely. You asked to see if people could make it work and she’s telling you no. So now you can make your decision with that in mind.

Weddings abroad are a lot of strain for many people, OP, no matter what way you cook it. Money, time off work, baby sitters, pet sitters.

Generally people enjoy time abroad on their terms and not someone else’s. You just have to accept that they don’t want to go.

This is the exact reason I wanted to change my plans and just have immediate family at a more intimate wedding. So that absolutely no one has a plus one as a blanket rule. It would just be parents, grandparents and siblings that’s it.

I have a dog who struggles in kennels, having been a rescue from a poor situation.

If I were your relative, I could ask my DH to take some of his annual leave to stay home with the dog, while I used some on mine to go to a party to which he was not invited, because he’s not close enough to the bride. That sounds like me being a CF to be honest.

Its absolutely fine for you to invite whom you want to your dream wedding, but it’s also fine for them to say ‘thanks, but no’ for any reason.

I do mean this kindly, but you seem to be putting a lot of stress on yourself to have this dream wedding, which is still 2 years away. As pp suggested, maybe have your honeymoon there, and perhaps ask for a blessing or small ceremony to mark your wedding while there.

Sorry , but being invited to a destination wedding , especially one for a close family member , would be the stuff of nightmares for me .
I get they mean a lot to the couple , and I can see the extra romance of it , put to actually attend one ? No thanks .

Thank you for your post! I financially struggled for a long time but my DD is in her mid 20s and we are both thriving (and I am financially better off).

2027 is quite far out and she may not want to commit, especially as it’s an expense (that’s if you’re not paying for everything?). Unfortunately, destination weddings are tricky. You have to expect people not to turn up - particularly older family members. Also, I appreciate this is a personal choice, but it seems you’re not inviting her partner? It’s generally expected that partners of day guests are invited. Could that be a reason for her not wanting to go too?

But travelling without your partner isn’t fun for the majority of people. You’re only making it more convenient for YOU. That’s not being a good host.

I think if you wsnt to have a wedding abroad, you need to accept that it's more time and effort for people to attend and accept that lots will not want to put the effort in ( I'm not trying to be mean by saying that, but it generally is more time and effort that people nay just not want to have to plan for)

If you want to get married abroad, you need to have no expectations on your guests attendance and accept it may just be a very select few.

Maybe she's pissed that her DP isn't invited.

Maybe she doesn't want to spend loads of money going abroad on something that isn't a family holiday.

Maybe she doesn't want to spend several days (and her precious AL) on your wedding day.

Maybe, like me, she has an extremely anxious dog that doesn't like to be left alone or with other people.

Maybe her DP resents using his AL for your wedding in order to look after their dog.

It could be anything. You asked the question were they up for it and she said no. It may be your dream wedding but you have to accept that not everyone will want to inconvenience themselves if it's happening abroad.

Have the honeymoon abroad. This is your special place not your family’s. If I’m paying for a holiday abroad then I’d rather pick my own destination and choice of what to do. I’m not as bothered in this country.

@Thegirlintheredsunglasses

if the really special people in your life cannot or are unwilling to travel/spend hundreds, for your wedding, you could have your honeymoon there?

Or should all the "effort" be theirs?

Sorry OP but YABU here - firstly, it really is poor form to invite people without their partners for a destination wedding - many people will try and make a small trip out of it due to the cost. If I was invited to one without DH I’d probably decline on that basis alone.

Also, dogs are a valid reason! Mine can’t be left, and we tried kennels once and it was horrible. I can ask my Mum to house/dogsit for a night but not longer.

You said it's a lot to ask and your relative agrees.

Many people don't want to spend so much and take so much time from their lives for your wedding, even if they are close to you.

And you also expect her to leave her partner for this. Her partner is not invited.

Aside from the time and her partner not being invited, how much money to you think you're asking her to spend, all things considered? It seems you want to save your money but have your guests spend their money. Would you simply hand her that much money just because she wanted something that extravagant for herself?

Also, keep in mind that it's a social courtesy only to be given a reason along with a "no" to an invitation. It's often just trying to be nice or soften the blow or from feeling on the spot. It is not necessarily the real reason or the only reason.

I'd guess her real reason is that she feels like it's not only a lot to ask; it's too much to ask.

In my opinion, it's far more considerate of your guests to have a local wedding and then take your trip with your spouse as your honeymoon.