To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

You are allowed to be upset that your sister is happy to leave the dog when it suits her but not for something you deem as important such as your wedding.

My guess is that the dog is a 'cover' for the real reason.

Anyway, its hypothetical so no harm done, but yes, you know where you are on your sisters priority list OR there's another reason she didn't want to go to your wedding in Italy.

I'm getting married in Spain next week and we had a lot of people we thought would definitely attend rsvp with a no or with very poor excuses. Yes it is a lot to ask people to go away but those that want to go will go. We were disappointed and did feel let down by a few people but you do have to remember it just won't suit everyone. Try not to let it bother you too much, now that time has passed I'm delighted our numbers are smaller 😅 You will still have the most amazing time!

Just seeing now it's your sister and she was able to leave the dog to go on holiday, I do think that's quite bad if it's your sister. Chances are you would want her to be involved in the wedding too.

Just don't bother inviting your sister! Even tho' it's now in the uk, a wedding can last a few hours, and christ knows, your sisters dog can't possibly be looked after for that long!!!

You gonna be hurt for no reason for expecting too much from people... She has her reasons that she doesn't necessarily need to explain...so just take her answers and respect them. And move on to the next person that's willing to come.... She too would be upset to find that you don't find her precious dog enough reason for her to miss your wedding in Italy....

We made a big effort for a sibling’s wedding overseas. It cost us thousands in travel and accommodation (so no other big holiday for us that year) and was a very very stressful time. In retrospect I should have gone alone and DH should have stayed home with the kids. I loathe destination weddings and would only have attended one for close family. The dog is probably not the real/only reason.

OP: fine , you thought about it, you consulted family, got a range of responses that indicated traipsing off to Italy was not their preferred choice.

So arrange to get married here, invite everyone, don't sulk or hold passive aggressive grievances.

You asked, they responded, go ahead with Plan B knowing that they will happily attend in the UK.

Then enjoy your honeymoon in Italy.

We only get one holiday abroad really. I am going to use my annual leave when I like to go somewhere I want to thanks.

If it was my sister I would probably go to be fair - but again it depends.

Our dog is getting on and I’d be terrified to leave him, with him dying while we are away, having been pining for us.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. An invitation is not a summons and this is the risk you take having a destination wedding. It’s your dream experience no one else’s. Requesting 21 days, imo, is a huge ask to begin with. People’s lives and responsibilities don’t stop for your wedding. Your wedding day is the highlight of your life no one else’s. To you it’s a beautiful celebration, for 21 days, to everyone else it’s not. It’s a responsibility. It’s your dream location not theirs. People really need to stop being so selfish with other peoples lives. You also need to accept when someone declines. No is a full sentence. You don’t know the ins and outs of her life and responsibilities. She can love you to the moon and back still doesn’t make the trip feasible for her.

@FairynightlvrWhere on earth have you got 21 days from?

That’s not it though. Your husband would be there - because apparently you think getting married should be a significant event, but then you also think being married isn’t really that relevant so no partners welcome. I don’t think I’d go to a wedding where my husband wasn’t welcome except perhaps for a work colleague who had a table of work people where my husband would be bored to death.

Personal experience lol. The destination weddings I’ve been invited to have all been for 2-3 weeks because they always frame them as you get to have a “beautiful vacation at X location while also celebrating our big day”. Either way the amount of time really doesn’t matter whether it’s 5 days or 50 days. The point still stands. This is the risk you take when having a destination wedding, not everyone will want to go because it’s OPs dream location no one else’s. A destination wedding, imo, are inherently selfish. You are asking your loved ones to spend their time off and money to attend your wedding in a different country because it’s “your dream”. The number is arbitrary really

I think your experiences are unusual @Fairynightlvr. I’ve heard of one or two where guests have been invited for a week, but never 3 weeks! That said, I’ve only ever been to one ‘destination wedding’ where neither Bride or Groom had any connection to the country they got married in. Whenever else I’ve travelled it’s been to the wedding of friends who aren’t British. Can’t begrudge an Italian getting married in Italy, or a South African getting married in South Africa!

So you're not getting married in Italy but want your family to go to Italy to participate in a wedding which will only be a blessing if RC and what if not? Even though you'll also be having a celebration in the UK where you are getting married, which may or may not be at the same time?

Just have your marriage and wedding in the same place and as your family and enjoy a lovely honeymoon in Italy

I have an issue with destination weddings full stop. You’re basically saying to people that if they want to share in your special day they have to fork out a whole lot of money and use up precious, limited annual leave to holiday in a place that is your choice, not theirs! If you want to get married abroad, do it for yourselves but don’t expect friends and loved ones to be there. If they are, fabulous, but you have no right to be angry if they’re not.

Or maybe your experience is strange. Either way As I said the amount of time is arbitrary it doesn’t matter if it’s 5 days or 5 weeks. No is a full sentence, yes you’re being unreasonable, destination weddings are inherently selfish, when you have one it’s the risk you take that people you love won’t be able to attend and her reasons are not your business she said no accept it and an invitation isn’t a summons. I’m not sure why you’re on here asking if you’re being unreasonable when it’s pretty clear you wanted validation and not an actual answer. You don’t get to decide what is it isn’t important to other people and what they spend their money and time off on. You asked they answered. Yet youre still upset You asked us and we answered. Yet you’re still upset. This is YOUR dream no one else’s. Respect that

No one should expect anyone, however close they are to you, to attend a destination wedding. If it is important to you to have everyone there then don’t marry abroad. If the location is more important then take every guest as an added bonus.

This needn't be a problem, I used to travel to and from France quite a bit with my dog. They're better respected there too which makes a holiday.

It was all SOOOO much easier before Brexit. Not now. It also costs upwards of £200 for a one time travel certificate and an additional admin charge on ferry/ shuttle/ plane. As well as that, the dog has to have had a rabies vaccine and the owners have to arrange for further vaccinations before returning to the UK. Not cheap and really not that straightforward.

I agree it was easier and I lived there but I still had to get the rabies done (which lasts) and the treatment before travel back etc which had to be costed in, special collars for ticks etc. It would still be worth it for me to take my current dog if I have the urge to go back. He can be left but I like to have him with me a lot of the time.

The five year travel passport makes a big difference and we can’t access that now. When I’ve brought my pet over to the continent, I’ve ended up paying more to take her than for my car, me and the kids for our return journeys! It’s bonkers!!

You're right, it is. I have no plans to go there again though, it has changed a lot and sadly not for the better.

First of all congrats and best wishes on your future wedding. These added details are important. While she goes on holiday will you be working while you're dogsitting? If so then I'm even more confused about why the dog can't stay with her partner while he's at work. Is something else going on in your relationship with your sister? For her to respond so fast and give the dog as the reason - I wonder if there's something going on with her.

I thought this exact thing. My DH s,my favourite person and there's no way I would attend a wedding without him. I'm not precious, but any invite that excluded him, would be thankyou for inviting me, but Im not single, have a fabulous day, hope to catch up soon.

If she is your relative, then Her partner IS your relative, by common law or marriage.
You cleave to one another and become one when you deem to live in a 'married' state.
If he means so much to her, then to say hes nothing to you because hes unrelated is just plain Wrong!