To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

Have you offered to pay for her to go?

She still won’t want to leave her dog in 2 years time! Presumably it’s not about finding someone to look after dog, it’s that she doesn’t want to leave her dog in the care of kennels etc

I wouldn't travel UK to Italy without my spouse/partner for anyone's wedding, not even a sibling or close friend. Two years to save up wouldn't make any difference, I wouldn't want to spend the money now or then.
I think you need to realise and accept that getting married in this special place is only special to you and your partner, and you shouldn't expect others to use up time off work and pay a fortune to travel there, regardless of their reason.
I might use my dog as an excuse in a situation like this, rather than be blunt and say directly to you that I don't want to come, especially if there is a large celebration planned in the UK as well.

I'm single, I do loads of things solo. Even I'm a bit 'WTF??' about you not inviting her partner.

It's your wedding, you can do it the way you want to, and invite who you like. But you can't expect people to come. You can of course choose to be upset about it, you can feel any way about it that you want - but don't put the fault on them for your upset. It's all on you.

We spent loads on flights and car hire to attend a wedding in Italy. It was in a beautiful spot but the stay wasn’t much fun. We had to spend almost a week with people we wouldn’t normally want to spend that much time with so it was awkward. The kids got bored. It rained for two of the days including the big day. We had to fly from an airport that’s normally around 2.5 hours away which is bad enough but then got stuck in delays on the way home so that took us about 6 hours. Dh and I are SE so in all the whole jolly, despite them paying for the accommodation, cost us £3000+

Then the b&g split up 18 months later.

I disagree that your family wouldn't love to be at your wedding, and that most wouldn't mind if it is somewhere else. But I agree with others that you have to invite partners. I'm usually always for the Bride and Groom, but ask yourself would you be as keen to go to a wedding abroad without your partner? When I planned my wedding I made sure that everyone had a plus 1 so they would have a good time too (but I didn't allow kids and don't regret that, so I understand what it's like when you have to make some tough calls). Perhaps the place would be better for a honeymoon, you could have a smaller ceremony closer to home, then the party you had originally planned and spend the balance on a luxurious honeymoon. The dog is a lame excuse, but maybe she's using the dog as an excuse.

It sounds like this family member is your sister? (As you mentioned only parents/grand parents and siblings are invited)
if so, I understand her not wanting to go, you’ve left out your future brother in law.

the only person this wedding will be easier for is you, so you’re going to have to expect people to decline the invite.

maybe just go with your parents and leave it at that for the wedding and have a party at home.

I love weddings, even abroad weddings! But, I would not go to a wedding abroad where my partner wasn’t invited and he would have to take annual leave to look after pets. I’d probably use the pet excuse to you so I didn’t have to say, ‘I’m not coming because my partner isn’t invited’. I’d go to a wedding a few hours away on my own, but it’s a big ask to take leave, pay for flights and go away without my partner.

You asked, she said she can’t go, I don’t think you need to be upset about it, it’s not a personal slight and they can both come to the celebration at home.

The Italy wedding seems to be just for you two, why not make it your honeymoon rather than ask people to go away solo without their partners where they’ll be a bit sad - it’s not the atmosphere you’d want at your wedding surely?

Honestly, planning a wedding really shows who cares and who doesn't. I had several family and friends not come for shitty reasons.

Destination weddings are annoying. I could not go to one no matter how close I am to them, unless they paid all expenses for me, including my dog arrangements. The whole thing is a hassle to be honest. It’s the risk you take when you go abroad to get married.

There’s no way I’d attend a destination wedding without my partner. It would eat into my leave allowance and the family budget. I might make up an excuse to get out of it rather than tell you the truth though.

I can see that in your head this is making it fair to all of your guests, but it doesn't sound like much fun to go to a wedding without your partner.

If the roles were reversed how would this make you feel?

MN isn't really the right place for this kind of question as everyone seems to hate weddings, especially destination ones.

I absolutely understand why you are hurt by this. I suspect that the dog is just a handy excuse though as I don't think it would be a straight no for that alone with 2 years notice. And like you say, it's the phasing of it. If she had said something like 'I'd love to come, but I don't know if it will be possible because of the dog' or similar that's very different. Is she someone who travels abroad at all?

Incidentally, I had something similar with my dad. It wasn't a destination wedding. The venue was close to where I live just not that close for my family (c 2hr drive). My dad was pretty old and I knew the full day might be a bit much for him so I spoke to him about it. The venue had some rooms so I said I'd love for him to come but was happy for him to do as much or as little as he could manage. And he could have his own room to retreat to if and when he needed to. And my sister would take him. It was over a year and a half before the date. He just grumpily muttered that he didn't know about that. I didn't expect a definite yes or no. But it would have been nice for him to say he wanted to be there. But there was no acknowledgement of it being a special day he just was already thinking of what a massive inconvenience it was. I was very hurt.

I wonder if you are the first to get married in your family, or are others married already?

What kind of commitment did they ask of you when they got married? Local venue so you could go home, or further away and needing a hotel stay? Or foreign wedding needing a larger financial commitment and taming leave off work?

You can't invite adult siblings and not invite their partners. That's ridiculous and I would rather be at home with my dog and partner too!

Your are viewing this solely as the bride for whom the wedding is everything.
It isn't like that for everyone else, even your parents.

Destination weddings are ultimately selfish & you can't expect everyone to be as on board with the idea as you are.

You say it's "just flights" but it isn't. It's using annual leave, it's buying an outfit, it's buying a gift and no doubt spending money while in Italy.
Weddings are expensive for guests no matter where you have them but planning one abroad adds an extra level of expense & hassle. Plus saying this person cannot bring their partner and expecting the partner to happily syay home & care for the dog smacks hugely of selfish entitlement.

As other have said, do it the other way round. Have the wedding here & a romantic honeymoon abroad.

This is not really a "normal" situation. They're being asked to fly abroad without partners or kids to attend a wedding only. The celebration is happening in the UK.

I wouldn't go in this instance,I'd say, go and get married, we'll celebrate when you're home.

If she has a dog and her partner works all day then what do you suggest she does? That her partner has to take annual leave to hang around with the dog? That they pay for a dog sitter/walker on top of the cost of flying to Italy? That they leave the dog barking non-stop and possibly wrecking the house and pissing on the floor the whole time because it’s not used to being alone all day?

A dog is a responsibility. People can’t drop their responsibilities because you happen to want a destination wedding.

Can you not just get married here and have a Honeymoon in Italy? People do this for a reason, it works.

Our wedding was 5 minutes down the road from my late MIL. She was elderly to be fair but didn’t come, used to go to the garden centre on a Friday though. 🙄

OP, just get married and have your celebration in the UK,and then go on honey moon to Italy.

Everyone doesn't "hate weddings", @meganorks I've already said upthread that I love them!
I think people are making valid points for the OP to consider, I don't think hate is being displayed.

A destination wedding is often used as a holiday for guests due to the expense. I think it’s a huge, and inconsiderate, ask for people to attend without partners.

you cannot possibly know why people would decline @Owlicecream88

It is absolutely not about how much they love you.

CBA reading all updates but if you get married abroad (especially if it's just because you like It there, not because you're each from different places and have to pick somewhere) you really have to go into it with absolutely zero expectations from family and friends. It's a big ask compared to a domestic wedding and you can't make any assumptions. She's said she doesn't want to go, that's your response from her. If that changes your enthusiasm about getting married abroad, that's that.

What about a honeymoon there instead?