Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

531 replies

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:06

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

OP posts:
Orangesinthebag · 19/04/2025 08:50

NorthernGirl1981 · 19/04/2025 08:48

My husband wanted an abroad wedding but I was absolutely against it. There was no way on earth I would have had the cheek to ask people to pay out so much money just to come to my wedding. I was horrified even at the thought of it.

He also said, “But it will be much cheaper….”

Maybe for us, but think about the expense we are putting on the guests!!

The flights & accommodation
Travel costs to and fro the airport
Luggage expenses

…..and then throw in the costs of the new outfits they will buy, and no doubt they will give you a gift….

Add in the fact you are expecting them to give up some of their annual leave (which is limited for some), and in turn perhaps have to sacrifice their own family holiday.

…..And even despite all this, partners don’t even get invited.

It is your wedding so you are absolutely right to do what you want to ease your costs, but it is inherently selfish when you think about the costs and expected sacrifices you are laying at the doors of your guests.

YAB completely)U to get offended by anyone who says they are not going to go.

If having your friends and family at your wedding is important to you then have the wedding in this county and you suck up the costs and organise your wedding within the budget you can afford.

If having friends and family at your wedding isn’t important to you then have the wedding abroad and celebrate how much money you’ve saved 👍

Great post.
Says it all really.

Theraffarian · 19/04/2025 08:51

Unless it was one of my children , I would be turning down an invite straight away for whatever reason flew into my head , if it was just for me and not my husband.
Reasons , pet care and costs , not wanting to travel alone , not wanting to use holidays allowance, not being able to book holiday two years in advance so no idea if I would actually be able to go , cost ( yes I could afford it , but probably would rather spend it on a holiday with my husband ) , would attend the celebration party at home , wondering if I wanted to spend time with the other guests , eg would I know them all.

Have a lovely wedding though , but since this would be my immediate thought process , I’m not surprised some others might feel the same way.

Jshearer · 19/04/2025 08:51

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

TheHerboriste · 19/04/2025 08:52

TropicofCapricorn · 19/04/2025 08:41

This is not really a "normal" situation. They're being asked to fly abroad without partners or kids to attend a wedding only. The celebration is happening in the UK.

I wouldn't go in this instance,I'd say, go and get married, we'll celebrate when you're home.

Show quote history

Exactly. I’d pass on the convoluted arrangements to witness the nuptial ceremony and maybe attend a later party at home. As long as it weren’t a silly reenactment.

prelovedusername · 19/04/2025 08:52

YABU to be upset that she doesn’t want to attend your wedding abroad. The reason doesn’t matter. Abroad weddings are a pain in the arse for everyone but the bride and groom. People always complain about the cost and hassle of having to attend them, even if they put on a brave face for the happy couple.

As PPs have said, have your honeymoon in your dream location and your wedding (maybe Italian themed?) where the people who matter to you can actually attend. Your guests and family will appreciate it!

ZenNudist · 19/04/2025 08:52

I got married abroad and had a party at home as well. Those who wanted to come abroad did that and had a great time. Those who didn't camto the uk party instead. They were both celebrations of our marriage. Job done and no one upset.

CanYouTurnItDown · 19/04/2025 08:52

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:47

Wow so many responses, that was quick. Thanks everyone, I appreciate outside input.

I do think some people missed what I was trying to say in my post, so just to clarify, I was never ever expecting anyone to come. If I was expecting it I would’ve just booked it. We ruled it out from the get go because I thought it was too much to ask of people because of finances, annual leave, child care etc. so we left it. But then DP said why not just ask first and then we know for sure, there’s no harm in just putting the idea out there.

A few people said no due to finances or fear of flying which is totally valid. I was only upset about my sister saying no because I feel like the reason is one that can be resolved but she wouldn’t be willing to try.

I am still having my wedding in the UK because it means more to me that the people I love are there ☺️ thanks for the responses everyone

🤣🤣 ‘we’!!

’we are still getting married in the UK because ……. ‘

Don’t forget there are two of you getting married.

Blimey, two years of this, can you imagine?!

Mumnotbruh · 19/04/2025 08:53

Destination weddings require people to use their annual leave and finances to attend something that you choose to do.

I went to a destination wedding last month. Even though the bride and groom had paid for everything it still involved a lot of juggling - childcare, pet care, time off work etc and that was without the issue of financing it. It’s a big ask for people and you can’t look in from the outside and think you know the barriers to them not attending as there could be SO many other factors.

Also, and I’m saying thins kindly- nobody cares about your wedding as much as you do. They just don’t. It’s your day, but to everybody else It’s just another wedding.

BunnyLake · 19/04/2025 08:53

Owlicecream88 · 19/04/2025 08:37

Honestly, planning a wedding really shows who cares and who doesn't. I had several family and friends not come for shitty reasons.

Well that could depend on where it is. Local to most family and friends, minimal hassle. Abroad, big hassle. It’s not ‘just a flight’, it’s packing, getting to airport, flying (I hate flying), hotel, and then packing, airport and flight back (how far are the airports from home and hotel). Pet arrangements if you have a pet (or kids?) and on top of that taking annual leave without your partner to consider. It’s a big ask.

Pancakeorcrepe · 19/04/2025 08:54

People are getting tired of destination weddings. It takes up lots of time, lots of money and planning even for the guests. Rightfully if people are going to spend this sort of money, they would rather choose their own holiday and not attend weddings at a location they might not ever have wanted to visit.

caramac04 · 19/04/2025 08:54

It’s a modern thing to have destination weddings. Before that people had the wedding they could afford fairly locally and the honeymoon they could afford without others Might be 2 weeks in Thailand, might be a wet weekend in Wales.
I prefer that tbh and it is much simpler and more affordable for guests.

Delphiniumandlupins · 19/04/2025 08:55

My dad once said he wouldn't visit us for Christmas day because "I do my washing on a Thursday" - he was retired and lived alone with a washing machine available any day.

Whoarethoseguys · 19/04/2025 08:55

Perhaps the dog is an excuse and she doesn't want to travel so far or doesn't want to go without her partner. Perhaps she can't afford it or justify spending the money that they may have saved for a family holiday.
There could be all sorts of reasons why she doesn't want to go and I think if you have a wedding abroad you have to accept some people won't go. It doesn't mean they don't care about you. A wedding is just one day.

Sauvin · 19/04/2025 08:55

You’re getting a hard time here OP. People going on about travel and expense and annual leave and destination weddings.

Your actual question was whether you were reasonable to be upset over the reason this person has given and I think you are. A close relative stating she’s definitely not coming, with two years notice, because she can’t leave a bloody dog?

Think you’re absolutely justified in being hurt.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 19/04/2025 08:55

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:23

This is the exact reason I wanted to change my plans and just have immediate family at a more intimate wedding. So that absolutely no one has a plus one as a blanket rule. It would just be parents, grandparents and siblings that’s it.

Show quote history

I find it a bit odd that the location is more important to you than the people you wanted to share your wedding with, to the point that you initially preferred the idea of excluding all friends and extended family rather than having your wedding in the UK. The obvious solution, as pp have said, is to have your honeymoon in Italy.

Anewuser · 19/04/2025 08:56

So it was all hypothetical anyway.

She used that excuse then because it didn’t matter.

What excuse would you have been happy with?

MrsMoastyToasty · 19/04/2025 08:56

You are effectively eloping. You shouldn't expect people to trail after you if you are eloping.

I would hate to travel to a foreign country but not get to see any of it...because I'm at a wedding.

MightAsWellBeGretel · 19/04/2025 08:57

Dog temperaments really vary - some really can't be left alone for long periods or settle in kennels (another cost to the dog owner) and would be greatly distressed; they are a commitment for as long as they are alive. It would be entirely unreasonable to expect her partner to take time out of work for a wedding they weren't even invited to, too!

Maybe she just doesn't want to go - not everyone has the annual leave or money to spare for destination weddings, it's one of the risks you take. Cheap for you, not for anyone else!

Thirteenblackcat · 19/04/2025 08:57

It’s an excuse. She doesn’t want to go.

You are entitled to get married wherever you wish, if say be prepared that people will not want to attend if it’s in Italy, if you’re happy with a smaller wedding then go for it

Daffodilsarefading · 19/04/2025 08:57

Have the wedding you want op.
We married abroad and I don’t regret any of it.
It was exactly what we wanted.
Whatever you do you will have people who don’t come, just look at the threads on here saying close friends/family couldn’t even be bothered to turn up on the day.
I’m still annoyed that kid of my so called best friends couldn’t be bothered to come to my hen do. It was a fairly local event with organised transport, not overnight on a day she didn’t work. She had participated in the activity we were doing many times in the past with her boyfriend’s family and we had been to the city together several times. Yet she claimed it just ‘wasn’t for her.’
Marring abroad in a beautiful location is fabulous.

Eldermillennialmum · 19/04/2025 08:58

I don't understand why you would not allow partners to come. I'm guessing it's a sister or cousin or aunt so why wouldn't their partner be invited?

I think you just need to have a UK wedding and go on holiday abroad if you like. No need to make everyone else travel for your wedding in my opinion. Also she probably can't sort a dog sitter two years in advance.

jimmybiscuit · 19/04/2025 08:58

Is she that close if in 2 years time you aren’t expecting her to bring her partner?

Agapornis · 19/04/2025 08:58

Please get used to people not giving you the real reason for not attending. Be gracious, accept the response, and DON'T dig down with 'your reason is not good enough'. It's an invitation, not a summons. RSVP = Répondez s'il vous plaît means you'd like people to respond, not that you force them to attend. The only correct response is 'thanks for letting us know'.

That said, I also wouldn't go on holiday to a destination that is not my choice, with accommodation I didn't choose at an unknown cost, without a partner, with family members that I may or may not like because I don't know who else is attending, and the marrying couple is unlikely to spend much time with me. If it's going to cost me £££ and two years to save up, it'll be for my own holiday.

Vettrianofan · 19/04/2025 08:59

Didimum · 19/04/2025 08:24

But travelling without your partner isn’t fun for the majority of people. You’re only making it more convenient for YOU. That’s not being a good host.

Show quote history

Speak for yourself, I would gladly travel without my partner for some peace and quiet😂

pinkdelight · 19/04/2025 08:59

I think your plan is flawed. If you knew it was too much to ask people to go to a destination wedding, why would they be more up for going to the destination when it's not even your actual wedding? Just go to Italy for your honeymoon. It's hard enough to get people to show up to a party around the corner these days never mind going all that way. Getting this upset this far in advance by a person quite reasonably declining - which they can for any reason whatsoever - is a sign that this isn't the right wedding plan so I'd take it on board and rethink. Anything could change in the next two years anyway, with finances, health, relationships, dogs and all the variables in everyone's lives - so it'll be hell trying to corral folks into committing to a party in Italy that's not even a wedding, and trying to arrange the wedding as well. Do yourself a favour and focus on getting married and don't put too much pressure on the rest that you can't really control.