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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

531 replies

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:06

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

OP posts:
DaisyDooordont · 19/04/2025 08:28

I agree op that it’s hurtful to just flat out decline without even offering to give it any thought.
You've been told by most that you’re being unreasonable but I don’t think it is unreasonable to feel a bit dismissed over an animal (my dog is my first child so I do get it).

Smallsalt · 19/04/2025 08:28

I wouldnt chuck money at going to someones overseas wedding. I wouldn't go much further than the next town.
The reality is that your wedding is a much bigger deal to you than to anybody else.
Most people invited to weddings politely feign interest and inwardly sigh at the cost and faff of having to attend.

FenellaFeldman · 19/04/2025 08:29

DaisyDooordont · 19/04/2025 08:28

I agree op that it’s hurtful to just flat out decline without even offering to give it any thought.
You've been told by most that you’re being unreasonable but I don’t think it is unreasonable to feel a bit dismissed over an animal (my dog is my first child so I do get it).

Read @MarchInHappiness 's response.
It may not be the dog.

Dhxusksgxuks · 19/04/2025 08:29

My mum is a bit like this - won’t countenance leaving her dogs. The truth is she just loves her home comforts and hates to travel and the dogs are her excuse.

Your family member may be the same. It’s valid that you’re disappointed but not everyone likes travelling, and not everyone would be willing to do it for a wedding. It’s a risk of a destination wedding; a lot more people are likely to say it’s not for them.

If you're also having a party in the UK I would focus on the fact that your family member will likely attend that and just enjoy your day abroad with those who are able to be there.

CanYouTurnItDown · 19/04/2025 08:29

Have you noticed @Thegirlintheredsunglasses that once you get past ‘our dream location’ everything else in this thread is about you and what you want. It’s like your fiance doesn’t exist.

Also, dogs are incredibly important to some people, as are partners. Kudos to your family member for being clear now, I’d agree because I’m a people please but I’d feel really disgruntled about it and wouldn’t enjoy being away from my dog and partner / husband.

Sparkle123r · 19/04/2025 08:29

When you plan a wedding abroad, you have to accept that some people will not come. It doesn't matter what their finances look like to you.

We got married abroad, we invited no-one as we didn't want those that could afford to come, and those that couldn't to be missing. However more importantly our wedding was for us, and no one else. We had a party we didn't really want when we got back.

If we were invited to a wedding abroad now, it's unlikely we would go. Our finances don't travel as often as we would like. So when we do go,we would want to go somewhere that we want to go,rather than a chosen resort that we probably have no interest in. Even if two years notice I'd given probably wouldn't make much difference. We also have annual leave restrictions.

The dog issue is probably a genuine issue. My in laws can not leave their dog at all, so their lives are ruled by the dog.

Ultimately you have to accept people Will say no and the reasons why don't really matter

rubyslippers · 19/04/2025 08:29

Destination weddings are expensive for guests family or not
they have to use annual leave up
arrange pet care and / or child care
Inconvenient locations as well inconvenient on timings

you have to accept that if you plan a wedding abroad

ScrewedByFunding · 19/04/2025 08:30

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:23

This is the exact reason I wanted to change my plans and just have immediate family at a more intimate wedding. So that absolutely no one has a plus one as a blanket rule. It would just be parents, grandparents and siblings that’s it.

Show quote history

So in your world,

You're close enough to tell each other everything and want her to be a MOH....

But not invite her partner.....

But still expect him to take annual leave to look after the dog....

And when they won't you get the arse?

MermaidMummy06 · 19/04/2025 08:30

My FIL's new DW can't leave her dog for long. My friend's DD's dog can't be left alone at all. It ended up at the vet from vomiting blood due to stress after it was left with another family member for a few days. It means when she & her adult DD visit.the dog has to come with & come inside my house as it won't even cope being in the back yard.

Tbh it's more because both dogs have had the dependence behaviour trained into them, so, they can't be left alone.

My SIL, however, uses it as an excuse to avoid visiting my DP's with DB (but can go abroad for weeks at a time).

So, it could be that they can't/won't leave the dog. Could be an excuse. I know I've refused destination weddings after totting up the cost & annual leave and used excuses like can't get leave, etc.

Pigeonqueen · 19/04/2025 08:30

Going abroad for a lot of people is a massive, expensive thing. Even if you pay for some of it the added costs all add up. Most people wouldn’t want to have their finances / time dictated to like that, no matter how close they are to you. To not invite their partners etc makes it even more selfish and you’re going to get a lot of people either not wanting to come or being unable to come. Dog or not.

beetr00 · 19/04/2025 08:30

DaisyDooordont · 19/04/2025 08:28

I agree op that it’s hurtful to just flat out decline without even offering to give it any thought.
You've been told by most that you’re being unreasonable but I don’t think it is unreasonable to feel a bit dismissed over an animal (my dog is my first child so I do get it).

It's not about the dog though Daisy, is it, really?

FenellaFeldman · 19/04/2025 08:31

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:23

This is the exact reason I wanted to change my plans and just have immediate family at a more intimate wedding. So that absolutely no one has a plus one as a blanket rule. It would just be parents, grandparents and siblings that’s it.

Show quote history

Is she your sister?

Hdjdb42 · 19/04/2025 08:31

It's a big ask, going abroad for a wedding. I've done it twice when young and commitment free. I wouldn't go to one now.

librathroughandthrough · 19/04/2025 08:32

You can’t really get justifiably annoyed. A wedding in Italy is fine for your circumstances but attending a wedding in Italy is not something your family member can do based on their circumstances. Also - how well do you really know them? Surely you would have known they wouldn’t want to leave their dog and that her husband is out of the house? Sounds like you don’t really know them very well if you don’t know their routine?

TropicofCapricorn · 19/04/2025 08:32

Thegirlintheredsunglasses · 19/04/2025 08:23

This is the exact reason I wanted to change my plans and just have immediate family at a more intimate wedding. So that absolutely no one has a plus one as a blanket rule. It would just be parents, grandparents and siblings that’s it.

Show quote history

Sounds like lots of people wouldn't want to go if they couldn't bring their spouse's or kidse...

Hercisback1 · 19/04/2025 08:32

No one is obliged to come to your wedding. It's also a bit meh to be forced to go on holiday without a partner just to satisfy your want to marry abroad. I wouldn't want to spend money on that. I could possibly countenance a holiday with my partner and the wedding as one day of it.

PeonyBlushSuede · 19/04/2025 08:32

rookiemere · 19/04/2025 08:15

Do you want them to give the real reason which is likely to be that they don’t want to spend £2k + going to a wedding, oh and they would need to find a dog sitter? If you choose to get married abroad- unless one of you is from there - then it’s beholden on you to be gracious when people decline to come.

This!

If I went to a destination wedding, even alone, that would likely mean we have to forgo our family holiday for the year.

Also they are a close family member but their partner is not invited?

Holdonforsummer · 19/04/2025 08:33

i can appreciate it from the other side…. One of our family members got married in a Scotland, on a Wednesday, during term time and expected us to bring our two teenagers. TBH it was a nightmare. We live in London. I had to take nearly a week off work, we got unauthorised absence for the 13 year old, we had to leave the 15 year old behind due to GCSEs and get someone else to have the dog. I don’t think they had any idea how much of a hassle it was, all because they liked a particular Scottish castle for the photo opportunity (they had no connection to Scotland). If you’re going to plan a wedding miles away from family, expect some to refuse. I wish we’d said no to this one!

gavisconismyfriend · 19/04/2025 08:33

Immediate family excluding partners isn’t going to wash with most people. One person going to a holiday location without the other for a social event would be a big no thanks from us and we’re certainly not generally joined at the hip.

FenellaFeldman · 19/04/2025 08:33

I think that giving 2 years' notice so that people can save up is a bit cheeky, really. People shouldn't have to save up for 2 years in advance for a celebration of your choice. It would be a very low priority for me, and I love weddings!
If she is close to you, have a face to face conversation about it.

GRCP · 19/04/2025 08:33

I’d be upset too - it’s 2 years notice.

midlifeattheoasis · 19/04/2025 08:33

YABU to not invite partners

Emma543 · 19/04/2025 08:34

If it makes you feel any better I got married a 2hr drive away and my MIL refused to come unless they could bring the dog.. it’s in all the wedding photos.
my own dog went to doggy day care 😂

FenellaFeldman · 19/04/2025 08:34

Holdonforsummer · 19/04/2025 08:33

i can appreciate it from the other side…. One of our family members got married in a Scotland, on a Wednesday, during term time and expected us to bring our two teenagers. TBH it was a nightmare. We live in London. I had to take nearly a week off work, we got unauthorised absence for the 13 year old, we had to leave the 15 year old behind due to GCSEs and get someone else to have the dog. I don’t think they had any idea how much of a hassle it was, all because they liked a particular Scottish castle for the photo opportunity (they had no connection to Scotland). If you’re going to plan a wedding miles away from family, expect some to refuse. I wish we’d said no to this one!

I was sympathetic until you said they'd no connection to Scotland! That's really not on, and I'm actually impressed that you went to all that trouble.

Gowlett · 19/04/2025 08:34

I don’t think that close family, or the chosen “small wedding” guests would want to go any more than the rest of your circle.

A destination is a big ask, no matter who the invitee is TBH.