To be upset by this reason for not coming to my wedding?

[Thegirlintheredsunglasses]

My fiancé and I are planning to get married in 2027. Our dream wedding would be in our favourite place in Italy. We pretty much ruled it out at first because we knew it is a lot to ask of people and a lot of people probably won’t be able to come. I was getting a bit stressed out with the guest list, not wanting to cause upset whilst also sticking to a reasonable budget. I suddenly thought, why not still do it abroad but have a smaller, intimate wedding with immediate family and then have a party over here as a celebration with extended family etc. (after having a look, it’s also so much cheaper, so that’s a massive bonus!)

I decided to ask my closest family first whether they would be up for it. One family member that I am very very close to and really want to be there said “I can’t because of the dog” I said well this will only be for immediate family so couldn’t your partner or someone else look after him? She said “my partner works through the day”

AIBU to be upset by this? I’m trying not to be because I know it’s a lot to ask. And if she would have said “oh I’m not sure, I’d have to see if I can sort out arrangements for the dog” that would’ve been absolutely fine. It’s just the fact that without even thinking about how to make it work, she just said no straight away. I’m giving 2 years notice! I’m not here to slag her off, I feel guilty writing this because I really love her dearly but it’s hurt me how she would gladly miss my wedding rather than try to find someone to look after her dog, or leave him with her partner for a few days.

Please tell me IABU to be upset over this? I haven’t said anything to her though, I’ve just left it.

This ⬆️, absolutely.

Why can’t you have a wedding at home and honeymoon abroad??? That’s the normal order of events. Not forcing people to spend time and money to haul around so that your ceremony has a foreign backdrop.

When I had dogs it was £100 a night for my live-in sitter. Nobody’s wedding is worth that to me, plus all the other expenses.

When having an abroad wedding you have to accept the fact that any member of the people you want to be there could so no for any reasons at all.

She may have big anxiety issues with leaving the dog/flying. She could be currently trying for a baby or pregnant. She could have major money issues. She could be in the middle of splitting from her partner. You never know.

But with an abroad wedding you cannot hold a grudge against people who don’t want to go. It’s the risk you take.

You can’t have a destination wedding and not invite partners. That’s a very self centred thing to do. Your mum/sister just thinks it’s a shit invitation and is using the dog as an excuse because she’s too polite to tell you how rude you are for not inviting anyone’s partners.

You are asking her to use money and annual leave for a holiday / wedding in Italy that her partner is not invited to.

I hate using my holiday budget for 2 or 3 day trips as it is such bad value . If I pay for flights I want at least a weeks holiday to make it worth my budget. Italy is expensive and I don’t want my holiday choices made by people getting married.

She will no doubt be at your party.

But people generally see these as the runners up prize, not the main wedding.

You can’t have your (wedding) cake and eat it.

I wouldn't waste some precious annual leave on anyone's wedding abroad. It would mean me paying to go somewhere I hadn't chosen and would probably mean I couldn't have a family break.
The facts are nobody really cares about your wedding in the way that you do.
It is selfish to expect people to use leave, pay for flights and accommodation and leave their family at home just so you can get married abroad.

This - you can’t seriously ask people to take a few days (minimum) annual leave and pay quite a lot of money and not bring their partner! Most people will treat it like a mini holiday and perhaps add on a few days because….. travelling to Italy for your wedding requires a lot of effort! The dog may be an excuse, but equally you just have to accept no for whatever reason. I’ve had to decline weddings abroad due to giving birth/small babies and I would have loved to go, but it wasn’t feasible so what can you do?!

We have an excellent dog sitter so that wouldn't be a concern for me.

But no way would I go to Italy to a wedding without my husband. Im not a prop in your photos. What a miserable event it would be for guests.

and dont say they know each other. Fine in this country with no need for an over night stay. Not at all fine abroad

remember it is your marriage, but you are hosting an event for your guests. Having an abroad wedding and not including partners is seriously poor and selfish hosting.

have the wedding you can afford to not pass the expense on to your guests.

It's an excuse. YABU to have a destination wedding and get upset at anyone declining.

They aren’t plus ones though are they, they’re their boyfriends / girlfriends / wives / husbands.

I’d think it was extremely bizarre to not be invited - particularly given the event is in two years, any current partner still around by then is pretty long term.

“My partnership is incredibly important so you all must spend ££££ to celebrate that. I don’t recognise your partnership as important though, so I am not inviting your long-term partner”

Going to be embarrassing in ten years when the kids are asking why their aunts and uncles aren’t in any of the pictures.

Then why not do this at a registry office at home and depart that day for Italy?? It’s just madness to move the ceremony a plane flight away. For what?

Wow so many responses, that was quick. Thanks everyone, I appreciate outside input.

I do think some people missed what I was trying to say in my post, so just to clarify, I was never ever expecting anyone to come. If I was expecting it I would’ve just booked it. We ruled it out from the get go because I thought it was too much to ask of people because of finances, annual leave, child care etc. so we left it. But then DP said why not just ask first and then we know for sure, there’s no harm in just putting the idea out there.

A few people said no due to finances or fear of flying which is totally valid. I was only upset about my sister saying no because I feel like the reason is one that can be resolved but she wouldn’t be willing to try.

I am still having my wedding in the UK because it means more to me that the people I love are there ☺️ thanks for the responses everyone

I wouldn't come if you didn't invite my husband. It would be money out of our joint budget and time away that I wouldn't be bothered to spend if you didn't consider him to be sufficiently 'family' to also attend. I woukd wish you well and take tou abd your new husband out for a lovely lunch after the wedding but I absolutely wouldn't attend. You are creating a massive lot of faff for your guests

MN doesn't "hate weddings".

People getting married just need to accept that no one else is as into their wedding as they and their partner are.

You see this person as being hurtful but they aren't, your wedding just isn't the be all and end all for them.
It's like looking at the moon from entirely different continents and not seeing the same thing at all.

Sorry but maybe they don't want the expense, have to give up a weeks annual leave and be away from their partner, dog is a good excuse. Your wedding is the most important thing in your world but most other people really don't care

(I used my cat being on medication as an excuse for not staying over in a ridiculously priced hotel for a family wedding a few years ago, I wasn't lying but could have made other arrangements if I had really wanted to stay).

Got to be honest and say I hate weddings and the thought of having to add the whole airport palaver on top would be a huge no from me. We got married abroad and just told everyone when we got back. No party, no fuss.

TBH I wouldn't want to go to a wedding like this. I love the family I was born into, but I love the one I've created too and I wouldn't really want to go on holiday without DP, and would feel resentful that I was under pressure to spend my money and time to do something I'm not that bothered about.

I got married abroad, I’m not against it and don’t regret it. Absolutely loved it.

However, if you’re going to do this you need to accept declines with true and honest grace. If your relative doesn’t want to come because of the dog then you have to say fine and mean it.

Others will decline without reason.

I didn’t send invites, I literally just put it out there that we were going abroad to marry if anybody fancied it 12 months in advance. 52 booked on. When they booked, we sent an invite. No pressure, no ‘declines’, no awkward conversations.

It’s your decision to marry abroad, the opinions and comments you’ll get are rough.

Although a holiday/wedding without my DH would be a big no way sadly!

My husband wanted an abroad wedding but I was absolutely against it. There was no way on earth I would have had the cheek to ask people to pay out so much money just to come to my wedding. I was horrified even at the thought of it.

He also said, “But it will be much cheaper….”

Maybe for us, but think about the expense we are putting on the guests!!

The flights & accommodation
Travel costs to and fro the airport
Luggage expenses

…..and then throw in the costs of the new outfits they will buy, and no doubt they will give you a gift….

Add in the fact you are expecting them to give up some of their annual leave (which is limited for some), and in turn perhaps have to sacrifice their own family holiday.

…..And even despite all this, partners don’t even get invited.

It is your wedding so you are absolutely right to do what you want to ease your costs, but it is inherently selfish when you think about the costs and expected sacrifices you are laying at the doors of your guests.

YAB completely)U to get offended by anyone who says they are not going to go.

If having your friends and family at your wedding is important to you then have the wedding in this county and you suck up the costs and organise your wedding within the budget you can afford.

If having friends and family at your wedding isn’t important to you then have the wedding abroad and celebrate how much money you’ve saved 👍

It's probably a case of not wanting to spend the money. People just don't have disposable incomes like they used to even 10 years ago.
I wouldn't want to go to a destination wedding for that reason.

If you want people to go you have to be aware it's a big ask. You will likely only get your immediate family who will feel obligated to go and some will maybe put themselves into debt to afford it.

If you want this then the kind thing to do is to budget for flights and accommodation for the people you want to be there.

The dog thing is an excuse, most likely. I would make an excuse too.

I’m really quite shocked you think it’s ok to not invite partners of the people travelling to Italy for your wedding! I think you need to re-think your plans.

I can see why you’d be hurt but honestly this might be why. I’d have very little interest in spending money going on holiday without DH (for a wedding at a least). I suppose for someone very close like a sibling I might suck it up, but we’ve been to a wedding aboard and turned it into a holiday and it was lovely, so I wouldn’t be very happy.

I suspect she's just giving the dog as the easiest expressed excuse but has others. There's cost. Even if she can afford it, she might have you other more pressing financial obligations or wishes than someone else's wedding. There's time-off work. There's the hassle of booking for a specific time and place, especially if it's without her partner.

She doesn’t want to attend for some other reason - maybe offended at her DP not being invited, maybe it’s the expense even with two years’ notice, doesn’t want to use up annual leave, can’t be bothered with the faff/hassle of travel for a wedding (even yours), or simply doesn’t want to leave her dog.

Most people just cba with destination weddings - it’s your special day but it’s not to anyone else, sorry.

Better to get married here and have a wonderful honeymoon in Italy.

This. Marrying abroad and expecting other people to give up their time/ money for it is unreasonable (though currently in vogue).

You should only do it if you can get agreement from the desired guests BEFORE any firm decision is made. If not all agree, change your plans or accept some won't be there.

In this case, it sounds like this person doesn't want to do this - two years is plenty of time to plan to take time off work to care for a dog or find an alternate solution.

Also the two stage celebration will annoy some people. A wedding should all take place on one day IMO. Then all invitees feel equally valued.

This place you love probably means nothing to them - why not include it as part of your honeymoon instead?