I don’t like shy children

[Whatsuppppp]

Dd said this today.

She’s very outgoing, fun, friendly, kind etc

She said it’s because they don’t smile at her or want to play when she asks them and it makes her sad that they might not like her as their face and the way they act looks like that.

My Dd wasn’t trying to be unkind and I sort of see her point. It touched a nerve though as I was very shy when younger and am so pleased she’s the complete opposite as I think it will make things easier in life for her. I’ve always had friends but do sometimes find things hard socially, it did make me see things from her point of view and from more extroverted personalities…I hate the thought of people thinking I’m unfriendly and don’t like them, but I suppose some must have. I was always just thinking of it from my point of view
Sad how being shy made things so much harder

Yes to this.

Also encourage your daughter to strike up a conversation along the lines of 'what's your favourite colour/ animal/ food' or 'I like your hairstyle/ drawings/ etc'.

With some people I don’t have enough in common or share enough character traits so I choose not to spend too much time with them, it doesn’t mean I don’t like them. There isn’t a binary list of people I like or people I dislike as I’m a fully grown adult who recognises people are all different.

It's only "self-absorbed" in the sense that anyone who is in that moment overcome by difficult, strong, or overwhelming emotions is "self-absorbed" in that moment, naturally, because they're trying to manage those difficulties while simultaneously giving you their attention. Anxiety and fear are emotions which can require a lot of skill and therefore attention to manage.

The term "self-absorbed" is quite judgemental and loaded, usually associated with selfishness, narcissism or similar attributes, so it's unfair to apply that to a child who is anxious or scared, for whatever reason.

Lots of people on here are incredibly harsh on extroverts.

Ime the extroverted, very social kid is often the one who takes the disabled kid by the hand and includes them.

They are often the ones looking to bring others in, who are uncomfortable with people being left out or excluded. Not bad traits.

I see extroverts who are generous and share well, who are thoughtful and kind. Just as i see those traits in introverts. There are lovely people of all types.

Personality types don't excuse poor manners or rude behaviour in either case.

Personality types don't excuse poor manners or rude behaviour in either case.

Agreed, but everyone has a different definition of "rude".

Lots of people on here have said they hate introverts just sitting and minding their own business, for example. Someone upthread said they got offended if they smiled at someone who didn't smile back because they think it means they've done something wrong.

Then you have introverts saying they find being forced into conversation rude, and don't like it when people feel like they have to constantly fill the silence.

I think everyone could do with being a bit more tolerant, really.

It might depend what field you’re in. At my work it’s the opposite; the introverts tend to put their heads down and get on with the work. The extroverts tend to talk about doing a lot of the work but when you look into it, it’s all just talk and not a lot of substance.

Thats what I’ve found with the likes of LinkedIn too - lots of self promoting from the extroverts.

Some "shy" people appreciate someone else breaking the ice and getting the interaction going.
Some "shy" people would rather be left to their own thoughts.

There isn't an absolute rule because everyone is different and has their own motivations.

Some quiet people are lovely once there's some familiarity and momentum.
Some ultra-quiet people can be hard work. I've known a small number that I've found very draining because there's no feedback in the interaction at all. Likewise I've found some ultra-loud people draining because they dominate the social space. The range between is wide.

There is a level of social astuteness in a 6yo recognising a trait that they don't find appealing. She hasn't said anything mean to quiet children which would be mean.

The next stage is developing a reaction to that realisation. She will develop some skills to manage that type of interaction and recognise between someone being quiet and someone wanting wanting more space and to understand that the reaction is about how that person feels not her. Children are egocentric and she is still quite early in the long process about recognising other people's social needs.

#BeKind isn't the answer. She's not responsible for fixing others' social needs single-handedly. Being Understanding is a gradual process and it sounds like she's in an age appropriate place along that process.

TBH, overly friendly children can be extremely irritating- the sort who latch onto you/DC at the beach/park/play centre and you can’t shake. I’ve seen this happen with both of my DC and you can even end up having to talk to them/entertain them for ages as adults. I prefer shy DC to those sorts of annoying kids.

Of course it means you don't like them, if you don't like them. I don't like you, because I never met you. You don't like me for the same reason. Don't like is the neutral position.

I’d question why people hate others sitting and minding their own business. Depending on the environment, one is not entitled to attention or a chat.

I’d also wonder why someone not returning a smile is automatically assumed by some that they have done something wrong vs the person that didn’t return it is likely having a bad day and don’t feel like smiling. Few like being told to smile so how is expecting someone to return it, not different if someone doesn’t feel like it.

I think most people are both and which side they are on depends on environments.

Sounds like she just hasn't found her people yet. Maybe as she matures she will realise that we are all different and we all have strong points and weak ones.

she doesn't have to be friends with kids she doesn't want to but she absolutely must not be unkind. As long as she isn't bullying or teasing. Children tend to end up finding their own friendships and people they enjoy spending time with .

I’m not talking about a child. The thread has moved on from the six year olds. All six year olds are self-absorbed.

I don’t use ‘self-absorbed’ judgementally, and I think that the pop psychology use of ‘narcissist’ is infuriating. I’m simply pointing out that whether the self-absorption is caused by shyness or arrogance, too much concentration on how you’re coming across or too little, the effect on the other person is the same — a total lack of attention. Which is counter-productive for the person who is desperate to engage and be liked. The arrogantly self-absorbed won’t care.

Sometimes we assume people.don't like us, could it be your daughter is projecting a bit here @Whatsuppppp ? Is she insecure? Sensitive to rejection?

Oh, I agree. I was just referring to the posts upthread where some posters were almost offended that other people didn’t return their smiles or “hellos”.

I must have offended countless people over the years if not smiling back in public is now considered rude 🤣

This, absolutely!

Probably is for some, but I think many people don’t care and are more concentrated on trying to get from point A to point B instead of if some random stranger smiled back at them.

It is something I never understood, especially when it comes to people at work (depending on the field).

The people I knew that were considered “introverted” were completely different outside of work and those who were actually introverted, they still acknowledged and/or said good morning but I wouldn’t expect them to have a full conversation especially if they’re working or we both are.

I think there is a balance that can be had but it is telling when some people expect others to be a certain way to make them feel better or to entertain them for their benefit without thinking if the other person desires it.

I agree with @phoenixrosehere, on the rare occasion I have to catch the train to London I read the metro, or close my eyes, peace and quiet, no engaging with anyone. Bliss.

I see your point, but still feel the phrase has judgemental associations, even if you don't use it in that way.

Perhaps "absorbed by struggling with anxiety or fear" is more accurate.

Either way, it's all the more reason to empathise with a shy person, as it can clearly cause that cycle you describe, makimg it far harder for them to experience the positive interactions needed to overcome their shyness.

See I think there is a lot of trial and error with socialisation before you find what works for you. For example I suit verbal communication with straight forward back and forth conversation best. I'll try to talk to anyone I'm put with socially but will struggle with very quiet or monosyllabic because I don't like just talking at someone and getting no feedback.

There is only so much headspace I'll spare to ponder the reasoning for behaviour in someone that I don't know well.

The only difference between someone like me and the 6 year old here is that she has yet to learn the vocabulary to explain herself in a way that sounds more palatable.

I think the thread has moved on a bit. Going on the OP’s posts, I’d be interested to know what has triggered the OP’s daughter saying this. Is she routinely paired with a very quiet child at school with the expectation that she will be able to “bring them out of their shell”? Or exhorted to play with a quiet, whispery child who won’t make eye contact so the parents can chat? This won’t have come out of nowhere.

They're not her kind of people. That's fine. As long as she's not being actively unkind to them then she doesn't have to like them. Shy kids aren't like shy adults who know how to be polite even if they are quiet. If you had a work colleague who completely blanked you when you spoke to them, refused to answer direct questions, and walked away if you tried to interact with them, you probably wouldn't like them either.

I don't even know what that means.

I don't agree. No feelings towards you is the neutral position. If I am introduced to someone, I don't feel anything or have any judgement towards them initially. It is only after I have had a chat with them I will formulate an estimate of who they are and how they think, even then most of the time there is insufficient information to do that. Don't like you means there is something about you that triggers negative emotions in me. Like you means there is something about you that triggers positive emotions in me. The extremes of negative and positive emotion stimulation translate into hate and love.

At what age does name-calling a child become ok?

I might start by explaining to her about different types of personalities: introvert, extrovert, shy, outgoing. I’m not particularly shy anymore, but I am an introvert and I was an incredibly shy child. shyness in children is quite often fear-based.

now that I’m an adult I realise that what other people think of me is none of my business and I’ve learned to be less self absorbed. You have a Headstart because you said that you were a shy child yourself - tell her about your experience. It would’ve been helpful if you had mentioned your child’s age.