I don’t like shy children

[Whatsuppppp]

Dd said this today.

She’s very outgoing, fun, friendly, kind etc

She said it’s because they don’t smile at her or want to play when she asks them and it makes her sad that they might not like her as their face and the way they act looks like that.

My Dd wasn’t trying to be unkind and I sort of see her point. It touched a nerve though as I was very shy when younger and am so pleased she’s the complete opposite as I think it will make things easier in life for her. I’ve always had friends but do sometimes find things hard socially, it did make me see things from her point of view and from more extroverted personalities…I hate the thought of people thinking I’m unfriendly and don’t like them, but I suppose some must have. I was always just thinking of it from my point of view
Sad how being shy made things so much harder

I find it helps to talk in terms of behaviours. Its ok to not like rude behaviour, not ok to say "i don't like shy people".

OP says she's six :)

One of my DC is less social than the others and ive taught him to give polite responses if he doesn't want to talk/join in.

"No thank you, I'd rather not".

You’ve just made me remember an encounter when my next sister and I were still in our shy, whispery ‘I don’t know’ stage (as carefully trained by our mother, who disliked a confident child, particularly a confident girl).

Our aunt, to whom we were close, had an American boyfriend for a few months, and he was keen to be nice to us and give us treats when we were out with them. The poor man kept offering funfairs, amusement parks, trips to the cinema, and my sister and I just kept staring at our feet and whispering ‘I don’t know’. We would absolutely have adored any of these things, as our family was dirt poor, and I think we’d only been to the cinema a couple of times by the time we were eight and six, but we’d been taught this was how you behaved. It was better to quietly be sick or wet yourself or whatever rather than speak up.

I suspect, looking back, that he found it baffling and maddening that we just wouldn’t say what we wanted, in response to a kind, repeated direct question, and this nice, well-meaning, generous man, who asked nothing more than to give his girlfriend’s nieces a treat, felt like some threatening figure because we seemed so uneasy in his presence, and he couldn’t tell if we were just afraid of him. Which we weren’t, but how was he to know?

I was a shy child and am a shy adult. I find it difficult to make friends as I just don't know how to do small talk, so unless people come to me to make friends, I just don't make them. Therefore all of my friends have confident personalities.

I fully see why people might see me as unfriendly and might therefore not like me, but if I'm given a little time and a chance it's great. Understand that people don't have to give me that chance though, I'm not a charity case haha.

It's fine that your daughter doesn't click with these kinds of children, but it might be worth reminding her that a lot of kids just need a chance, and if she's nice to them, they might become great friends!

but that's not fair either! Children are not robots to be got out of the box and switched on to amuse others.

Ask DD to imagine a world where everyone wanted to talk, to suggest what other people did, to be loud and listened to. Ask her if the whole world was full of these people, then who would be quietly listening to her, and who would join in when she suggested things rather than insist on doing their own thing? Explain to her that we need all types of people and that being quieter and less outgoing isn't any less valid than being outgoing and chatty. That she can be friends with who she likes, but its often nicest to have all different types of people around us.

IME = in my experience. So no, I haven’t really found that. But I also don’t see interacting with people as “What can I get out of this”. I’m just Person A interacting with Person B, and what we are both bringing to that conversation at that time.

agree with this. I’d be more inclined to teach her that not everyone will like her. She’s not the centre of everyone’s world. Her worth is not dependent on others liking her.

Serious question: how do you tell the difference between giving a shy person a chance vs annoying them with unwanted chatter?

I’ve never suggested it’s that transactional, only that if person A is replying in monosyllables and staring at their shoes, person B, a stranger to them, has to do the work of deciding whether they’re (1) shy but want to be talked to, despite not giving any such impression (2) shy and don’t want to be talked to, or (3) not at all shy, but reserved and/or uncommunicative, and for some reason unwilling or unable to say ‘Look, would you mind going to talk to someone else? Im just thinking my own thoughts here.’

For that reason, it’s an obvious next move to move on from monosyllabic A, rather than potentially irritate someone whose demeanour doesn’t give the impression they are at all happy talking to you.

I mean, no one is telling anyone else how to behave here, only that if your ‘shy’ behaviour is giving someone else the impression you’d rather be sticking pins in your eyes than be talking to them, the other person, not being psychic, isn’t going to know that you’re in fact delighted by their company, and is likely likely to take themselves off to someone more obviously at ease with a conversation.

In fairness your daughters feelings reflect that the shy people don’t realise how there behaviour does affect others they are so wrapped up in themselves. I’ve tried to even mildly smile or say hello ( I am not very out going) to shy colleague and when they don’t reciprocate it makes me feel like sh*t as it makes me assume there is something wrong with me. Still don’t know if they hate me for some unknown reason same went in the playground amongst girls

She's only young, and I think everyone has a personality type they naturally gravitate towards. Learning to interact with people who aren't necessarily your type comes with maturity so I don't think it's cause for concern just yet. As long as she isn't unkind to shy children, it's fine for her to prefer the company of more outgoing types.

If I were to speak to you, would you look appalled and then whisper behind your hand to your mother?

Well, no, because I'm an adult and not nervous six year old.

But I would likely feel very uncomfortable if a stranger approached me and started a conversation.

I remember being young (perhaps age 6 to 10 or so) and being told “Make sure you include Catherine - she’s very shy!”. “Catherine” would then look appalled whenever I tried to include her and would repeatedly run back to her mum to whisper to her. As an adult I would probably say something direct then give up. But at six it was extremely uncomfortable … and required fairly complex social skills that I didn’t have.

"Catherine" wouldn't have had the social skills to handle the situation either.

There do seem to be way more ‘shy’/anxious kids around who can’t look anyone in the eye or hold even a simple conversation. I think it’s tech.

Also this.

Blaming tech is such a lazy answer.

Shy and anxious people have always existed, and always will exist. Technology has just made it easier for them not to be forced into uncomfortable conversations.

It’s true. You need to show you’re friendly and contribute to the conversation or it makes people uncomfortable. They think you’re sitting there judging them or something. I wish I’d worked it out 20 years earlier! I was very introverted and shy but even now I have to remind myself not to just sit back and enjoy everyone else’s conversations.

I genuinely don't understand this viewpoint. Most people's behaviour has nothing to do with how they feel about you

If other people find my behaviour makes them uncomfortable, that's not my problem. I don't exist to please them.

I was painfully shy and most of the kids bullied me as they assumed I was stuck up.

Please tell your dd that kids are shy and quiet for many reasons and it's OK, it doesn't mean they don't want to be friends, but even if they don't, it's their choice.