I don’t like shy children

[Whatsuppppp]

Dd said this today.

She’s very outgoing, fun, friendly, kind etc

She said it’s because they don’t smile at her or want to play when she asks them and it makes her sad that they might not like her as their face and the way they act looks like that.

My Dd wasn’t trying to be unkind and I sort of see her point. It touched a nerve though as I was very shy when younger and am so pleased she’s the complete opposite as I think it will make things easier in life for her. I’ve always had friends but do sometimes find things hard socially, it did make me see things from her point of view and from more extroverted personalities…I hate the thought of people thinking I’m unfriendly and don’t like them, but I suppose some must have. I was always just thinking of it from my point of view
Sad how being shy made things so much harder

I think I’d say something along the lines of “that’s okay - we all have types of people that we prefer. But remember - you may not be their sort of person either!”. Which I think is fair enough. One person’s “outgoing and friendly” can be someone else’s “loud and overbearing”. The other thing o always tell my (admittedly older) kids is not to place too much store by first impressions. The people who become your greatest friends might not be the people you’re immediately drawn to in any situation. Some people really grow on you over time as you get to know them (and vice versa).

Your DD’s reasoning makes sense but I would give her some food for thought by telling her about your experience as a shy person.

For example how did you feel about confident kids? If you were in her class, would you have smiled back or looked down/away because you were self conscious or surprised that you were noticed ? How many times would it take for you to say yes to a request that you play?

What I’m saying is, it’s understandable that she is turned off by the lack of smile and declining an offer to play but it’s because of how they feel about themselves and not how they feel about her. She’s 6 so may not have considered this angle.

Channel the child version of yourself and explain that she shouldn’t be turned off by the lack of smile and them saying no. Underneath what appears like a cold exterior, is someone who could be a good friend. It could be hard work for her but it’s not personal and the shy person would say no to anyone who asked them to play.

"Extroverts who insist on filling space with their chatter and energy, regardless of how welcome it is, could be described in exactly the same way. "

Blimey @Swiftie1878

That's harsh against Extroverts. Many extroverts do have people skills, can listen as well as talk. Friendship is about give and take, complementing each others requirements, or else the friendship won't last, won't be balanced and fulfilling, if you don't give, don't make the effort.

That’s lovely 😊

It’s interesting to see this perspective, I’m not shy but can sometimes be socially anxious eg I won’t always smile and make eye contact on school run, and it’s always been my own thing, not about anyone else. I just don’t feel sociable
some days and want to stay in my own bubble. But others obviously notice because then I wonder why some people don’t like me who don’t even know me 😂

DD is an extrovert who likes other extroverts. There are also introverts who like quieter people. In some ways extroverts have an easier time, but not always - they can really suffer when there is nobody around to match their energy, and DD is suffering (a bit) from being around children who don't readily smile at her and join in her games.

Aren't you worried that she'll grow up and want to be one of those awful 'influencers' putting their lives online for likes?

She sounds potentially 'narcissistic' not liking shy children because they don't give her any validation. Definitely getting mean girl vibes as well.

Hopefully she'll grow out of it and realise that you don't have to attention seek all the time, and can have shy times where you just can't be arsed...

Are you actually all right?

And you've grown up to be someone who insults six year olds on the internet. Well done you.

while it is true that this child needs to learn that other peoples behaviour is not all about her, it is also true that shy people often require a lot more input from others in order to be included, and it is ok not to want to do that.

The child is 6!! It’s perfectly normal for 6 year olds to see the world in black and white within the parameters that they are used to ffs It doesn’t mean that she’s going to end up as a shallow and mean adult.

OP’a job as parent is to expand DD’s knowledge of the world and help her develop into a normal caring adult. It might mean talking to dd about her painful experience of being shy but as a good parent asking this question, I am sure that she will help her dd try and understand.

The people who have name called etc are often the ones who only make friends with people who are similar to them and happily ignore marginalised groups like the ones with SN and MH issues.

Lots of people on here are confusing shyness with being an introvert.

Shy = A person who is nervous and uncomfortable in the presence of other people.

Introvert= A person who prefers calm environments, limits social engagement, or embraces a greater than average preference for solitude.

I'm pretty introverted. I'm not shy. Being around lots of people, or being in a big group doesn't make me feel anxious, or nervous, or scared. I'm just happy in my own company and when I socialise I prefer to be in a small group or 1:1. I won't lie, I find big gatherings exhausting and just don't enjoy being surrounded by endless chatter. I can and do talk to people, and I have a decent amount of friends both introverted and extroverted.

However I know a few extroverted people have (wrongly) assumed I'm stuck up, or don't like them when we've met if I don't match their energy, or don't want to socialise. I find it bizarre that people on here would see that as me being self absorbed. Surely feeling entitled to another person's company is self absorbed in itself.

Well, obviously you get to choose how you behave, but surely you can see that if you’re smiley and say hello one day, and the next completely blank the same person, they may wonder if they’ve inadvertently done something to offend or annoy you?

I’m pretty socially confident (also an introvert) and genuinely developed a minor complex about an acquaintance in the village where we used to live. I fell into conversation with her one day in the playground when we’d only lived there a couple of months, liked her immediately and was actually thinking of asking her if she fancied coming over for coffee sometime, when next time I met her on the street and said hello, she blanked me. This blanking happened a few times, then one time she sat next to me on the bus and was as friendly as she’d ever been, and I was a bit rattled when she blanked me again next time. To cut a long story short. It turned out that she was visually impaired and was only recognising me if I was close enough to her to see my face and put it together with my voice…

Well, obviously you get to choose how you behave, but surely you can see that if you’re smiley and say hello one day, and the next completely blank the same person, they may wonder if they’ve inadvertently done something to offend or annoy you?

I find it absolutely fascinating that so many people assume other people's behaviour is personal to them. It must be very tiring.

Because it doesn’t bother me if others do that. I know some mornings some people are too tired to say hello, too wrapped up in kids. It’s very common on my school run for people to do what I do. I just think they’re not feeling it today.
So it’s interesting to see it can bother people and they need constant reassurance, repeated social niceties otherwise it must mean someone doesn’t like them.

Oh, the irony.

I'm with you @QueefQueen80s (great name!).

I'm just going about my business - it honestly doesn't even occur to me that walking around in my own little world could possibly be seen as offensive.

Your daughter is being judgemental towards shy people. She should try to involve them in her conversations, rather than saying she hates them.
Sometimes, people are afraid to make the first move in friendships, because they may have been bullied when younger. This may have taken the form of ridicule over the way they spoke, so they choose not to speak, in case it happens again.
I was bullied mercilessly at school. I ended up putting up walls so that I could protect myself from the bullies. It also caused me huge trust issues. In fact, I've only managed to come out from behind the walls - to a certain extent - as I've got older. I've also had 2 relationships (1 with a man I married, and was married to until 2023, when he sadly passed away, and I've been with my current partner for just over 18 months). My first partner/spouse encouraged me to come out of my shell by showing me that not everyone is out to pick on me. He also showed me that there are decent, loving people out there!
My current partner continues to show me this. Both men loved/love me unconditionally, which helps me to "stay out of my shell".

Harsh!

I think it makes sense that I child might think another child doesn't like them if they don't smile/respond when they talk to them.

It's up to adults to then explain to children that people express themselves differently/how a shy child may be feeling or thinking.

OP I think her saying this is a good opportunity to talk about that sort of stuff. It doesn't mean she's not a nice girl.

I agree with you.

Yes.. I think it shows insecurity always thinking it’s about them.
I must be offending people all over the place 😆

It must be such a tiring way to live, lol.

I just go about my business. Often I have an air-pod in, or I'm thinking about work, or what to have for dinner, or trying to stop the dog from eating something off the pavement. I'm not even really looking at what anyone else is doing the vast majority of the time.

If someone messaged me and asked if I'd upset them because I didn't smile at them in the street, I'd honestly think they'd lost the plot!

That’s why I said extroverts who…
Of course there are lovely extroverts, just as there are lovely shy people.
I was rebutting the notion that shyness is a self-absorbed and self-important emotion. Both introverts and extroverts can be; most aren’t.

No, I think that’s correct. If you are primarily worrying about how you’re coming across, thinking ‘Is what I just said stupid?’ and not really listening while the other person is speaking because you’re planning what you are going to say next in case they think you’re boring if you leave a silence, then that is by definition self-absorbed. Just as someone who loves the sound of their own voice and monologues endlessly without displaying the remotest interest in the other person is self-absorbed. Two different motivating factors, but the effect is similar.