Adult children don’t call or message much

[mothersdayhmm]

I have two adult children. My son is 28 and lives about an hour away. He calls me probably once a month. I message him quite a lot and he will take a few days to reply. But, generally our relationship is good and if I’m not working, I will make the journey to see him and treat him to lunch and we have a really good time. So I am not worried about my relationship with him.

My daughter, however, lives on the other side of the world. She emigrated to New Zealand last year. She is 26. We had a great relationship before she left. However, she literally never rings home and never messages first. I message her about twice a week to check in, she takes days to reply, and the reply is often short and perfunctory. She never asks about how everyone is at home. I feel like I am trying to be friends with someone who doesn’t really want to be friends with me.

My question is, is this normal? I am hoping that as she grows older, she will come back to the fold a little bit more, even if just metaphorically.

I think it’s a common pattern for adult children to focus on themselves and their own lives in their 20s while established their careers etc. and to become closer to their extended families again once they have kids.

This ^°
My mum would sound exactly like the OP, claiming we had money as children so she must have given us everything we needed. I also moved to NZ for 10 years and i can't tell you how lovely it was not to have to pretend to be part of a functioning family. My mum is impossible to talk to on any emotional level - she is intractable in her view point and will never accept that me and my siblings had anything other than a golden upbringing. OP's daughter may be a horrible person or she may just have had enough of her mum's narrative - we won't know. But OP should be a bit more curious why her DD is behaving like this.

Can you save up to go out and visit? Some of us just aren’t that great at phone based relationships, also when I was mid 20s I didn’t speak that often to my DPs, didn’t mean I didn’t love them just that I was at a different stage in my life.

Do you have your own whatsapp chat with her? She may not wish to be part of a big group playing at happy families. Maybe message her on her own, you could ask her to show you a tour of where she is living or just some pics of the beach or something.

The only blip was me leaving her father who was very abusive

you call it a blip wow!!! There is your answer
you’ve totally minimised it all and not owing up or acknowledging why your kids are distant

Just catching up with responses, thank you. Only up to page 5. But to answer some questions/comments....

We had a good relationship before she left. She lived with us after Uni for about 18 months. She was very busy with her job, and I basically looked after her like I did when she was a child : made her packed lunches, made her morning coffee, drove her to work, picked her up from work, made her dinner, did her washing etc. She was very appreciative, as needed to do a lot of WFH and admitted that she couldn't have managed without my help. She was trying to move abroad at that time, and it was very stressful : every night, me and DH would chat to her about it for hours, and try to keep her on an even keel (she was very stressed).

Re her Dad, I have told her that he cheated on me, and that's why I left. I did not tell her that he tried it on with her Nanna and Aunty, and I did not tell her that he beat me up twice - although I did say he'd been handsy. I don't think she wants to believe this. I have no idea about what level of contact she has with him, as we don't speak. This was his choice, we were communicating fine up until she went to Uni, and then he ceased all contact. No idea why, as we were communicating fine. May have been down to his Partner? No idea. He didn't even acknowledge me at our DD's wedding. He is a very, very quiet person, as is his current (lovely) partner.

Someone suggested that her DH may be keeping her isolated. This is absolutely not the case. He is a lovely, lovely man. They lived with us throughout lockdown, so I know him very well. She is quite a stresshead at times, and he keeps her calm and is the voice of reason. I have zero worries about him, in fact, the very fact that he is there with her, means I don't have to worry about her.

I think I am just going to have to put this down to her being young, being on an adventure, and knowing that I will always be here, so she doesn't think about it much.

I left home myself at 20, and moved away (only 2 hours from home), and I can't remember how often I called home. This was in 1990, so no mobiles or SM then.

Sounds really upsetting op. My kids are at uni and I don’t hear from them much.
sounds like your dd gets very stressed out and puts a lot of pressure on herself. When she was with you, you were her confidante but now she’s miles away and you’ve lost that physical closeness, she’s not great at chit chat sort of thing. It’s sad for you she wanted to move so far away, is it permanent?
hopefully as she matures and settles her mental health will improve. She has a narrative in her head about you and her father which is completely false, so she’s thinking things very differently to you. It’s knowing where she is and opening conversations on that basis. Do you have plans to go out there at all?

Your comments about your daughter suggest to me some kind of resentment or competitiveness on your part.

You "wouldn't try this hard for a friend." She's not your friend, she's your daughter. You're two adults now so you could work towards an adult to adult relationship but it seems like it's still in a parent/child dynamic so perhaps that's the issue.

You've sent a message and have said now "let's see what happens." How can your daughter pass this secret test you've given her? Even if she does message you back, do you have a timeframe in mind or a particular type of message you want to receive? It's quite unfair isn't it, to have secret expectations of her like this? And then if she doesn't meet that, it's "cringe" or "unfriendly". Bit of a strange setup there. As above, she is not your friend. And why would it be "embarrassing" - that suggests a level of shame about your relationship. That's your problem, not hers.

You seem lonely and are looking to fill some kind of emotional void in yourself with your daughter's affections/attention. As she's in NZ this is a tall order. Perhaps try and fill your social and emotional needs elsewhere so that it's not all your daughter's job to address.

Are you actually angry at her for moving so far away? Do you feel she has abandoned you? You might need to try and work through some of this with a therapist.

Op I wish my DM had been more honest and open when she was alive by telling me what she wanted. Once she said she was lonely but it took much angst to get her there.

The OP isn't the only one in that relationship.

She wants to know why her daughter isn't texting and calling every five minutes. The short answer is that she doesn't want to. And posters like the one I have quoted are judging the Daughter harshly when she doesn't have the Daughter's side of things.

I agree with you. Of course there's info we aren't aware of in every situation, I'm just trying to point out it's OK to expect a quick response sometimes I didn't even say all the time, I didn't put down the daughter, I'm saying based on the ops post, its OK to want some response from your child. As you say we don't know how the daughter feels but that also equates to the daughter could be acting selfish . We can't assume the daughter is being judged harshly without assuming the daughter is also being cold to her mum for no good reason.

I don’t message or call mine for a “chat” and they only live a mile away. I saw them last Sunday for a couple of hours and will see them next weekend, but between now and then, I’ve not got much, if anything to say.

I was brought up fine. I’m just getting on with life and the crap that comes with it.

I'm not sure if they are ever coming home. Original plan was to come home in a few years, but they might not now as they are enjoying it so much (their words). Her DH is from here too, so there are no family ties over there.

Regards abusive Ex, he was never, ever abusive to the children. He was quite a good dad. The two times I was assaulted by him, the children were not in the house. When he cheated, they did not see it obviously. At worst they would have overheard some arguments (from their rooms), around the time I left him. Not much I can do about that.

There was very little arguing before that : I was very happy, as was he (or so I had thought), everything was great, we had a lovely big house, nice cars, lovely holidays abroad, including Disneyland. I had absolutely no idea that he had been sleeping with other women the whole time. Someone told me, I sought evidence and found it : 10 plus women, including my best friend. Our house went from being a happy home, to something I didn't recognise overnight. The 4 months I was there before moving out would have been horrible for all of us.

But after that, I met someone else (DH), and whilst that can't have been easy, the rest of their childhood was calm again. Both DS & DD have a very good relationship with DH, and they really like their Dad's partner. I have only met her 3 times (graduation, hen do, wedding), and whilst exceptionally quiet, she seems lovely. I have a horrible feeling though, that he is most likely sleeping around behind her back, because he did that to the long term partner he had after me, so I think it's in his DNA, unfortunately.

I just don’t think it occurred to me at that age that mum might even want more contact or that she might be worried about me. I just assumed she was busy getting on with her own life.

I must admit I’d like a closer relationship with dd and not sure how that could happen. It maybe won’t. My plan is to keep busy with my own friends and keep the communication open but not overwhelming and keep my expectations low. Offer to drive over and see her for lunch in her new town a few times a year but no pressure. Which I appreciate is easier when she’s a couple of hours away rather than in NZ

I am an “adult child” myself and must admit I never ring my mum. Ever. We live an hour apart and I see my parents once a month or so. We do have a family whatsapp that is used for general chit chat, but it would never cross my mind to ring her. She rings me once a week/fortnight and I’ll always answer and chat, but just would never ring her first. Maybe call them?

I can't get over you asking - Did you bring them up well?

Why? My mother put men before me and that means I often prefer not to be in contact with her much.

Hello op my youngest daughter was like this in her early twenties. She would never message back. Her mental health was poor at this time in her life so I remember feeling very anxious when no reply wondering if she was okay. In the end I stepped back and let her contact me and slowly things improved. Six years later she is now a mum and messages lots!
You say you did so much for your daughter. I wonder if she felt stifled by this and is finding her independence by moving to a new country. Of course it's only natural to miss your kids at first when they move away.
If I was you I would step back from the group WhatsApp it's upsetting you. I would also try phoning once in a while instead of messaging. I find texts quite empty I would much rather speak to someone but we are all different. Lastly time to embrace this time of your life and feel proud you have raised 2 independent children. X

@Zone2NorthLondon It’s hugely schmaltzy, but it’s also true for many people!

My Mum’s been gone nearly 25 years and I’d still give a lot to have a short conversation with her. Many people have commented that adult children get in touch more when they have their own children- what if your Mum has gone before that happens?

One thing that the pandemic has taught us is that life can change overnight so waiting for something to happen in the future perhaps isn’t the best way to live?

@mothersdayhmm I think it’s fine for you to be honest with your DD and say that you’d like to be in touch more. If she doesn’t want to, fair enough, but it’s not a crime to mention it.

For real. I read @Zone2NorthLondon post and went 😯

Posters on mumsnet throw all these buzzwords swelled so easily and pretend that life is just black and white and can be explained with buzzwords.

really she should manage her anxiety instead of expecting her children to show they care by reaching out once in a while?

I live in the US and life can be busy so I am not as consistent as I could be but I still try to send messages on WhatsApp, try to have video calls so my daughter can talk to grandma etc. I’m not saying call every single day or reply every message immediately but it’s also obvious from @mothersdayhmm post that her daughter just doesn’t seem to think there’s any need to reach out at all.

When my grandma passed I felt really guilty that I didn’t call her as much as I could. I’m sure even if her daughter tried calling her once a month OP would appreciate it rather than leave OP feeling like she is not relevant to her Daughter’s life.

And I love how manner start acting like therapists trying to find gotcha comments to explain why OP is ridiculous to expect her kids to reach out.

Unfortunately it’s part of the societal trend of individualism and we see it on mumsnet everyday, it’s my wedding so I don’t care who gets upset as long as I get my perfect day the exact way I want it. It’s all me me me now.

Would the DD here like to be ignored at Christmas or on her birthday? What about the OPs birthday? These occasions are the acid test. No contact on the OPs birthday and that’s pretty much saying what she thinks without saying anything. She’s said they like NZ so unless op gets offered a holiday with them, it’s goodbye in many respects. Op has to find a way to release DD from her reasonable expectation because she’s not going to oblige. Move messages to once or twice a month and get DH to alternate messages. Definitely phone if there’s something important to say.

Some mums are, some mums are not. I can't imagine having a mum who contacts me, she didn't message or speak to me on my birthday this year.

It wasn't a blip.

She would have known what was going on.

This is why.

Those who aren't bothering with parents, wake up.they won't be here one day.
You'll miss them like mad and wish you had seen them more.

Maybe they don’t bother with them because they don’t like them for whatever reason, and therefore they won’t miss them when they’re gone?

Maybe she really does miss you much more than you realise but to be able to cope with it she is focusing on other things and choosing not to engage. It seems like she was very much shielded from the reality of your marriage so maybe has a completely different view of life post divorce.