Adult children don’t call or message much

[mothersdayhmm]

I have two adult children. My son is 28 and lives about an hour away. He calls me probably once a month. I message him quite a lot and he will take a few days to reply. But, generally our relationship is good and if I’m not working, I will make the journey to see him and treat him to lunch and we have a really good time. So I am not worried about my relationship with him.

My daughter, however, lives on the other side of the world. She emigrated to New Zealand last year. She is 26. We had a great relationship before she left. However, she literally never rings home and never messages first. I message her about twice a week to check in, she takes days to reply, and the reply is often short and perfunctory. She never asks about how everyone is at home. I feel like I am trying to be friends with someone who doesn’t really want to be friends with me.

My question is, is this normal? I am hoping that as she grows older, she will come back to the fold a little bit more, even if just metaphorically.

No, it is not normal. People who say this is normal are trying to normalise swine-like behaviour.

Looks like this may be the root of the problem. She perhaps resents you for not staying with her dad or her not spending enough time with her dad. If she thinks her dad’s wonderful, sounds like he’s not been honest with her about your break up.

She appears to not care much about you or respect you. When I lived abroad in my 20s and 30s, I called my mum every week because I wanted to check she was OK. But she lived alone, whereas I guess your DD knows you have your DH.

I’d give her a call once a week or once every couple of weeks. Speaking to someone is much better than messaging. You can hear how they sound and it’s easier for them to let you know if they’re not feeling great. If you don’t message there’s no guarantee she’ll message either and an even worse rift will develop. Better to chat regularly. That’s what I did when my DS lived away, even though he barely messaged.

Alternatively it takes 20 sec to reassure self and not require or request prompt responses
Just because something is quick task doesn’t mean you can request or Expect it to be squeezed into another person day

This is really sad to hear, I will always tell my children that their grandparents are a privilege to have and even when I didn't have children I made sure I saw my parents often and was in touch either via WhatsApp or video call.

Being busy in my opinion is a really pathetic reason and unless there has been family tension/disagreements etc there really is no excuse.

Yes life changes and people's commitments and geographical locations change but the world we live in now has so many modes of communication it really isn't an excuse. Again, I'm really sorry this has happened.

Did you get that from a hallmark card? It’s so very schmaltzy

And what value is a 20 second reply? Not everyone communicates via memes and a constant drip of light and meaningless ‘chat’. Especially when the have busy lives and the constant ping of WhatsApp is a burden and not a welcome invitation to communicate. The OP said her relationship with her daughter was great before she left. Maybe her daughter would just prefer a different communication style?

It's fairly normal. People have lives and they are busy. Being on the other side of the world means calling at unsocial hours, too. Keep messaging her so she knows that you are there and can be contacted when she is ready/needs to.

Not all mums are precious. Some of them absolutely deserve to be left without any contact at all.

I don't think you're expecting too much and think it's sad she's so distant. My 20 year old, who doesn't live at home anymore. Messages me numerous times a day, calls almost every day, has been round twice today and has just been messaging me back and forth solidly for an hour and a half.

She doesn't text or WhatsApp though, it's Snapchat. I wonder if your daughter's the same and would be more willingly to message on it? My 15 years old the same, neither of them use WhatsApp, it's weird to me but it's their main way of communicating.

Don’t you think this is a little mean, given the OP’s clear anxiety at the situation?

If that level contacts mutually works,and feel good,that’s fine. But it’s not universally applicable for everyone else. You can’t say oh we are in contact daily, therefore…

I had a great childhood with lovely, supportive parents. I’ve always got along with both really well and have always enjoyed chatting to them etc. However, in my 20’s I definitely had periods where, in retrospect, contact with my parents was very one sided and not very frequent as I was so caught up with my social whirl, career and holidays - life was so exciting etc that family was not at the forefront of my mind. It was no reflection on my parents or how much I loved them. Just a slightly selfish 20 something making her way in the world that wasn’t as appreciative of her family as she should be. My friends and housemates were all very similar at the time. Im not saying everyone is the same but I think lots of young adults are. As I got older I now see my parents frequently and speak to them regularly. If you’re happy to, I would keep making the effort to keep in touch and to maintain contact, and am sure as they get older they will start to prioritise you more.

Your daughter is trying to build a new life far away in New Zealand. She is probably busy trying to get on with work, make new friends, find somewhere to call her home. Expecting her to answer to texts, funny memes when she is so far away is unreasonable. When my parents were young you could only keep in touch by using a telephone box and they only spoke or wrote a letter every couple of months. It sounds like more is expected of our generation in keeping in touch which is fine for some but intrusive for others. if it was me I would expect news from home a couple of times a month but only reply if I had something important to say. I'm sure she is fine and settling in to a different type of life so try not to worry so much.

It was not in response to op. I really hate the kind of guilting in the comment I replied to and can't just let it slide without pointing out that going nc is an entirely legitimate choice necessary for some people to protect themselves. I have no idea if op falls into this category and would absolutely not assume so from the information given, but it is shit to generalise that all mothers should be revered because they will die at some point.

Fair enough, it looked to be in response to OP who is getting quite a rough ride from some people despite demonstrating some clear signs of unhappiness.

Wholeheartedly agree
A minority of mums are inadequate and there’s no point in sepia toned eulogies about saint mammy

Abusive father was a blip - I mean, there’s your red flag right there

@Zone2NorthLondon Where exactly did I say "we are in contact daily therefore" , or insinuate that daily contact should be the norm for everyone? I gave my experience with my adult child. Then I offered the op something that may help communication by using a different method of communicating, if her daughter also uses it and it's preferable to her.

Must feel pretty saddening - bless you.

But see it as a compliment. You've bought up two strong, savvy individuals that don't need "mummy" at the end of the phone. That's a good thing trust me ! So well done, obviously been a good parent !

When they do the whole setting down and kids thing (if that's their route) they'll soon come crawling back for advice!

In the meantime, enjoy your couple time!

if it was me I would expect news from home a couple of times a month but only reply if I had something important to say.

@MotherJessAndKittens
Doesn’t it seem unfair to expect people to send you news regularly without even committing to replying to them?

Would you treat friends like that?

You said My 20 year old, who doesn't live at home anymore. Messages me numerous times a day ⬅️ daily then? Your example is daily contact
You then observed to op I don't think you're expecting too much and think it's sad she's so distant
You've made a value judgement and comparison

That's fine but it's also not a big deal to expect your daughter to get back to you the same day or the next day. Maybe not every time you message them but sometimes. It takes two minutes to send a 'hi' back, or just reply to the meme on the group chat with an emoji. Like seriously you've dragged this one out.

Stop contacting them

After six months (assuming no contact from them) write them out of the will. Leave it to sla small local charity.

It's easy to say when you've got close Easy relationship with your mum don't be so quick to judge other people!!

What?? As if any parent would do this.