Adult children don’t call or message much

[mothersdayhmm]

I have two adult children. My son is 28 and lives about an hour away. He calls me probably once a month. I message him quite a lot and he will take a few days to reply. But, generally our relationship is good and if I’m not working, I will make the journey to see him and treat him to lunch and we have a really good time. So I am not worried about my relationship with him.

My daughter, however, lives on the other side of the world. She emigrated to New Zealand last year. She is 26. We had a great relationship before she left. However, she literally never rings home and never messages first. I message her about twice a week to check in, she takes days to reply, and the reply is often short and perfunctory. She never asks about how everyone is at home. I feel like I am trying to be friends with someone who doesn’t really want to be friends with me.

My question is, is this normal? I am hoping that as she grows older, she will come back to the fold a little bit more, even if just metaphorically.

It's such an easy thing to do, to let your parents know you care, the people that don't you are a disgrace.

@MereNoelle Yes, that’s fair enough if someone doesn’t like their parent and doesn’t want to keep in touch.

But if you do love them really and will miss them when they’re gone, it’s best to make the effort now, not wait. That’s why I think it’s ok for @mothersdayhmm to say that she’d like more contact and see what her DD says.

I’m in shock atm as one of my oldest friends, 51, has been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour. Her children are 18 and 21. Two months ago, they apparently had a healthy Mum, now everything’s changed. 😕

Crap like that can happen to any of us, it’s naive to think that it can’t and that we’ll definitely have time in the future to make more effort.

Hi OP, I hope you’re ok.
I think this is reasonably normal. My DS has moved a couple of hours away after finishing uni to where his girlfriend is and has a job in his chosen career. I speak to him about once a week / every other.
I remember being in my twenties myself and horrible as it is, I just didn’t think of my mum or what she was doing. I recently went to Florence and my mum was telling about when she went. I’d had no idea because I was being a young person off just thinking about myself!
so I think though it’s very tough it’s pretty normal and good they can go off and have their own lives.

My Son's are the same. My youngest Son is lovely, but only texts in reply to my texts. He rarely rings me, & when I call him he rarely answers. I normally have to message him & ask him to answer. I'm used to this. It does frustrate me, but I know he loves me very much & I know he has lots going on in his life. I remember being his age & being so busy that I felt guilty that I didn't have much time to visit my parents. I will never put that pressure on to him

I don’t know what’s normal really with this. With my mum (alcoholic, probably mental health issues) left me altogether when I was 14, I used to come down quite a lot. I’d like staying with her but looking back I was seeing something that just wasn’t there.
now I have my own, I have a 27 year old, schizophrenic, who hates me and never wants to see me again. And I have a 21 year old, she’s just got her own place in summer half an hour away, she’s around most days for a couple
of hours, she face times me about 4 times a day and lots of messages as well.

Mine got a new phone and stopped having any contact. They don't have our numbers and we don't have theirs. I know this because I bumped into them accidentally. I just think some kids are just rubbish at it then it gets embarrassing.

I'm sorry but it's not selfish to not phone someone every day. If my child in their 20's was phoning me every day and was fit and well and not anxious I'd be thinking I had failed. You were not selfish.

It's not a reply to the op though is it, it's to all the lacking in emotional intelligence posters who trot out the it's your mother , you'll miss her when she's gone rubbish.

I know, how can someone who exposed a child to an abusive relationship say oh she had a good upbringing. I'm really sorry op if you married an absolute twat and great that you had the strength to separate but come on, that's not a good childhood.

My son 23 when to Australia 3 years ago. For the first 6 months I was checking in all the time and frustrated at the lack of response. Now i @speak to him every few months the occasional text here and there but generally I know he is alive! The time difference matters a great deal. He is living his life and yes busy/working when we are not. You have to let them live the culture over there is very different and the time difference is hard.

I'm a great believer of. If she wants to she will.
She clearly isn't wanting the same relationship you want.
So take your next step from her lead.
Carry on with your life. And if she questions you later on. Just say. I gave you the space you needed.

I don’t think that’s fair or actually accurate for this specific poster to be honest. She says she had a good relationship with her Dd as an adult when she was still in the uk. The daughter seems to get on with her dad still so don’t think she’s that upset about that abusive relationship 🤷‍♀️

seems to me it’s distance and being busy along with being a bit self absorbed which is causing the loss of contact.

I do kind of agree with this but with a bit of a caveat of having some non judgemental, non guilt tripping communication first. Otherwise you run the risk of her thinking for the next twenty years that her mum couldn’t be arsed with her?

I understand that. I said what I said mainly because OP had already mentioned having a chat with her. And her reply being she's just busy.
No ones that busy if their mother/father siblings etc are in their orbit at all.

I think your son’s behaviour is pretty standard but your daughter should be engaging with you more. Have you plans to visit her-that might help.

That sounds suffocating. The needier someone is, the less likely I am to engage. Maybe your DD is the same. The lack of response could be a mixture of living on the other side of the world, being the age she is, and the above. You said she seemed distant - well yes, she is distant, she’s on the other side of the world.

Also when asked if you were emotionally present when she was growing up, you said you worked part time and never missed a thing….. that’s physically present, not emotionally present.

I don't think it suggests anything bad about her upbringing. I did the opposite move when I was about her age OP, and I don't think I was in constant contact with my mum. I still live on the opposite side of the world to my mum and we message most days now that I have kids. I think in my 20s I was busy, independent and (selfishly) absorbed in my career and life. I wouldn't worry OP, I would try not to smother her. When we moved from NZ to London my husband was super busy working very long hours and his mum would send him guilting emails and he hated it.

I feel really sorry for you, OP. It's clear from the responses on this thread that there is a great variety of types of relationship with adult children and that some people think that regular communication with parents when you're in your 20s isn't really necessary (or even normal?). However, your mother is your closest relation and when you live on the other side of the world, it's surely not too much to expect regular text messages and Facetime/Whatsapp video calls every couple of weeks? I find it really chilling that people seem to think it's OK to more or less cut all contact with your parents and act almost as if they don't exist for you any more - unless there has been childhood abuse. I hope OP's DD will be more kind and considerate as she gets older.

Means they are happy and all is going well. They know where love and help is if they need it.
That's my take on it 🤜🤛

Oh good lord! Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar ffs 🤦‍♀️

It's a very good role model to leave an abusive partner. She will understand not to take shit from a partner. You have taught her a good lesson there. You need to tell her you'd appreciate a text once a week which would take her 2 minutes. If you don't tell her she may not realise.

I think you’re looking at the relationship with your daughter in slightly the wrong way, like you’re friends and she’s being a crappy friend. But you’re her mum not her friend. You’re a totally different presence in her life.

No one on mumsnet can tell you whether your daughter isn’t reaching out because of issues in your relationship or just because she’s in her 20s and young and busy. But really it doesn’t matter as the playbook for you is exactly the same, be loving and supportive, see if you can call her once a month or so to catch up, try to get to know her as an adult, show an interest in her, go and visit her in NZ at Christmas and see her new life…

Stop taking it personally and flouncing about it - either she is on purpose not speaking to you for genuine childhood issues (in which case the solution is to mend your adult relationship as best you can) or she is just genuinely busy and there is no backstory (in which case the solution is to find ways to keep in touch that align with her schedule, eg a once a year visit to bond or occasional calls).

I am the same distance from my mum and find that she can be very passive aggressive about contact levels but she barely ever calls me? If she did I would pick up.

A good time for UK NZ calls are if you call her 7am your time and catch her when she is making dinner mid week - I enjoy calls with mumwhen I can prop my phone up on the kitchen bench on a video call while I move around the kitchen. Another good time to have a call is 9/10pm Friday night to get them mid morning on Saturday when she’s probably just pottering around having a morning coffee and free to chat.

Just give her a call and if she doesn’t pick up follow up with a message to ask when would be a better time. You’re the mum so you will always have the job of showing her you love her and are interested in her.

I think you’re looking at the relationship with your daughter in slightly the wrong way, like you’re friends and she’s being a crappy friend. But you’re her mum not her friend. You’re a totally different presence in her life.

Very true @Marmiteontoastgirlie , parents aren’t the same as friends. That doesn’t mean, however, that we should treat our parents like useful commodities who exist only to provide help and support to us- and it’s fine to ignore them when they’re not being useful. That’s a horrible way to treat another human being.

It sounds like your DD is making you to be the bad guy in your marriage breakup. Being honest about that might have helped. If she is accusing you of lying she has taken your exes version of events. Undoubtedly she is more in contact with him. I would give her some space and stop the texting and tell her why. She might be selfish, she might be angry with you about your ex or she might be completely oblivious as to how you feel

Me and my 2 sisters are 38,38,26. We all live within 15 minutes drive of our mum. We message daily in group chat and individually every few days. I normally talk to my mum on the phone every 3 days unless there is something I need to tell her. I see her one or twice a week.

Same is of my youngest sister. The 38 less so but she is more self involved. She fluctuates depending on how bored/what she needs.

Unless you are in denial about how your relationship is with your children then I think it’s awful how they are. I get that not everyone has such a close relationship with their mum as we do but I’d expect weekly communication at least.