Adult children don’t call or message much

[mothersdayhmm]

I have two adult children. My son is 28 and lives about an hour away. He calls me probably once a month. I message him quite a lot and he will take a few days to reply. But, generally our relationship is good and if I’m not working, I will make the journey to see him and treat him to lunch and we have a really good time. So I am not worried about my relationship with him.

My daughter, however, lives on the other side of the world. She emigrated to New Zealand last year. She is 26. We had a great relationship before she left. However, she literally never rings home and never messages first. I message her about twice a week to check in, she takes days to reply, and the reply is often short and perfunctory. She never asks about how everyone is at home. I feel like I am trying to be friends with someone who doesn’t really want to be friends with me.

My question is, is this normal? I am hoping that as she grows older, she will come back to the fold a little bit more, even if just metaphorically.

I think the poster is talking in the context of 'easy relationships' as you put it, and to be fair, the op has not indicated there's an issue with her daughter. That's not to say there isn't one but we are responding to the op as she tells it not making up our own versions of what we think might be the case.

Like seriously, you’re somewhat over labouring requiring regular contact

Please copy and paste the 'over labouring requiring regular contact' part to me. I'm desperate to see how by saying it's OK to sometimes expect a same day response is so extreme to you.

Nah. Ain’t happening
i refer you to my multiple previous posts

I phone my mum every morning on my way to work now but didn’t in my 20s. I was too busy building my own life - more selfish I guess. Must be hard for you but im
sure it’ll change. Keep doing what you’re doing even if it means you’re always first. Im
sure things will change with time.

I think this is key. Although you did this for your daughter’s benefit you have inadvertently created a block to intimacy. I think you should message a lot less and instead try to visit more and get to know her in an adult to adult and more genuine way. I know that’s difficult with her living in nz

Sounds like ye need to arrange a day and time for a chat. It sounds like ye'r crossing lines a bit. No one's fault but ya, it sounds like ye need to agree a date for a catch up

I’m sorry to hear this, it sounds hard.

My suggestion would be to have an honest conversation with her sometime (if it feels possible, without forcing.) You’ll need to be open to whatever she says. You could say, I would love to be closer to you, hear from you more by message (whatever else etc - be specific) - might that it be possible? See what she says. Maybe she is overwhelmed in her life, stuck, feels claustrophobic, hopes for something else from you. Hopefully it may open conversation.

I’m in the opposite position, unfortunately. I’d love to hear from my mum more. She won’t use a smart phone so we can’t exchange messages, photos, video calls and she won’t use email either. (She’s around 65 and perfectly capable, but has decided not to…) So she doesn’t get to see photos of her grandchild as Id like to share. After the birth (when I came home from hospital) I wanted her to visit overnight and she didn’t want to. Instead she wanted to travel 3+ hrs by train to us, stay a couple of hours, go home 3+ hrs by train same day. To see her FIRST GRANDCHILD and likely only grandchild. She wouldn’t spend more than a couple of hours with us.

Last time I saw her, I said I would really appreciate some help, just to stay with the baby for an hr or two, whilst I do things in the house. And she said ‘I didn’t have any help with you.’ (Which wasn’t true.) It floored me.

I’ve been trying to arrange accommodation for my cousins wedding for her, my husband and I and grandchild. She’s been saying she’d rather go home, than spend a nice weekend with us 😐 she’s finally agreed to stay with us because it will be cheaper 😕

I keep trying, but what is the point really? I guess because im a nice person, like you sound to be.

The hardest thing for me is, she acts like this is completely normal. I’m almost done inside. What I mean is… it has taken so much… but I’m almost at the point of knowing it’s hopeless. And I’ll see her of course, but also be aware of this :( maybe it will liberate me. My husband says perhaps it’s good she doesn’t want to spend much time with us. Maybe she wouldn’t be a good influence on our baby.

I have other family I’m in a WhatsApp group with. One never said a word when I announced I was pregnant. No congrats, no card, not even a ‘like’ on a message. She ignored my husbands message to her that the baby was born. I have other family members I thought I was close to.. said ‘see you soon’ ‘well message soon to confirm a date to visit.’ I next heard back from this recently, 6 months later.

So… I’m sorry this is so long. But I want to say I understand from the other side (daughter/parent.) Try to gently ask, maybe it can transform, say what you’d personally like, if possible, but know she may or may not want that herself. Ask how she would like things to be.

And if she still remains distant, I would say focus on making your life as beautiful as possible, how you want it to be. She may come back. I now know from trying so long myself I need to focus on myself and my husband and baby.. and try to make our lives as beautiful as possible 🙏

@TheGamblersGone completely agree!

Just checking….you said you ex when she was 9….shes now 26 and she’s known your now husband 17 years……so you left ex and was straight into another relationship? I’m not judging your choices as you are obviously still happy but it probably wasn’t her choice to be in that position and maybe she resents that? Or maybe she is just mega busy as any 26 year old might be and the time zones make it difficult. Do you go and visit her?

May I jump on this and ask what you would do as an adult child if your parent will not message, video call, send photos, willingly enjoy spending time with you? My post with details is above

Settling down in a new country can be very hard indeed. Unlike an expat who expects to return home at some point, this is it for her now. Her DH is on his home turf, she isn't. There will be a whole host of things to adjust to that, especially in the early stages, can really take it out of you as you're dealing with it all at once. It may be that she's struggling a bit with culture shock and doesn't trust herself to communicate evenly with you without worrying you or have you question her decision to stay. It can be very hard saying anything by message when you are in a state of emotional turmoil. It will pass but it's early days yet.

I totally agree. I was like this and not really fussed about checking in on my parents etc ( which culturally for me is actually seen as quite a bad thing) but once I lost them I regretted every moment that I didn’t take that time out for them and I didn’t have the best relationship with my mum but I still regret not being there more for her 🙁

I can definitely see my eldest ( who lives with me so far) being the one who rarely calls etc once he leaves home, youngest son will probably be the one to check in, make sure I’m still alive and kicking 😅

Is she in touch with her father? It would be interesting to know if she replies to him?

I'm sad to read about your situation. Are you welcome to go and stay at your mother's house? Is she a homebody to the extreme?

Your daughter is selfish. I also live very far away from my mother, and do a video call with her once a week. She’s not an easy person, but is aging so I focus on the positives in our relationship. A demanding career and a busy life are not excuses to simply ignore parents. Going NC or LC for abusive/dysfunctional parents, I understand - but not this. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to ask for a monthly call, at least.

I keep my mother at a distance like this but she is a toxic person who dragged us up so that’s why.

I think it’s selfish and thoughtless. I regret treating my mother as an afterthought now she’s gone.

Of course not, but you are deluding yourself if you think your daughter didn't know about the abuse.

@PassingStrangeryou should really try to drop this viewpoint / narrative. No, not all mums are precious, there are very good reasons why some of us don’t keep in touch with our mothers much or go low contact. You shouldn’t go around telling people this, you really don’t know what everyone’s relationship with their mother is like and you could end up saying something pretty hurtful.

my own mother no longer knows who I am due to cognitive decline. While I feel sorry for her and more so for my dad, who cares for her, I still don’t see her much and I don’t miss her, as she was never much of a mother to me, is a nice way of putting it. If you tried to tell me that she is precious and I SHOULD miss her, well - you have no idea, and I’d tell you to keep your ideas to yourself.

Her father was abusive. There you go. When I left home I left a loving mother and an abusive father. I barely contacted either of them because she put me in harms way for too long I’m afraid.

I think DPs come into your focus once you have children. Suddenly you enjoy the family’s interest in your child.
Are her DH’s family in the UK or NZ.
If over there she may not come back to you.
Also the pleasures of living in NZ might fade. Life changes as mentioned previously.

Thank you, yes we can stay at my mother’s house. Though she is negative.. and never asks questions of us. (Something the OP mentioned above, no questions from her daughter.)

We are here for Easter now. We arrived yesterday afternoon, I don’t recall her asking any questions, including how we are doing with the baby.

In terms of visiting us when our baby was 1 week old and since then (I’ve had to convince her each time to stay longer than popping in..) she had all sorts of excuses, so very hard to know which was the real one. One that stood out to me was that she ‘didn’t want to leave the house alone’ and ‘worried to get burgled.’ When I was growing up it was always ‘can’t leave the cats’ they are dead now, so no longer an excuse. I genuinely believed it was because of the cats. She never visited me because ‘of the cats.’ Peoples parents came to visit at uni, never came for any birthdays, i used to invite them to visit me in nice places I lived. They’d never come. Now all those opportunities have gone. I guess the cats appreciated it?? The last time I saw my step-father (not a nice person,) he said she was a hermit. I thought that was strange. I always thought he was him preventing her visiting me.

So in answer to your question - yes she seems to be a homebody, or maybe fear of going away overnight. (She does go to nearby towns alone on day trips.) Or maybe she just doesn’t want to see us. If she does have fear of going out overnight, what upsets me is that she prioritises that over seeing us.. and also won’t be honest about it. Or get help. So it’s like the strangest gaslighting. Always a different excuse and with a tone that I am demanding trying to spend time with her. And because I was an only child, I’m the only one to deal with this so closely.

if it is fear to go out overnight, it doesn’t explain why she won’t use a smart phone or video call. Or also organise nice things near her? She never suggests anything. Always says another time etc. So I always have to push forward any ideas.

One of her latest excuses is she can’t see/visit us, because she has a volunteer position 1.5 days a week. She says if she doesn’t go every single week, she may loose her volunteer position.

It’s exhausting and negative. More so that people ask if I’ve seen her. And I say IM TRYING. I don’t know if they think I’m a rubbish daughter, but I honestly do my best.

I guess I’m sharing this because the OPs daughter is not in contact so much. I’m the opposite trying. Perhaps it may help to hear the miriad experiences.. and I do think the OP could have a conversation with her daughter (as I suggested in my first post,) gently suggesting she’d like to be in touch more, see what her daughter wants etc.

Completely agree @countingthedays945 I’m sorry for what happened for you.

@mothersdayhmm It may be hard but why don’t you try that for a month and maybe she’ll realise then when she hasn’t heard from you.