Page 39 | 14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

Ombreofmyself · 2025-04-18T14:03:01+00:00

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers. Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride. My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited. Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going. Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

Original poster

Ombreofmyself · 19/04/2025 09:35

It is all too real and I am living through it. And he has raised the issue. But he thinks if he raises it again his daughter will row with him .

OP posts:

Usernamexyz1 · 19/04/2025 09:35

Ombreofmyself · 19/04/2025 09:28

My daughter only emerging for a meal is the result of the younger ones being excited to see my stepdaughter and not really being acknowledged in any meaningful way.

I didn’t mean to suggest my daughter would sleep through a church service I mean tomorrow she won’t feel left out as she will still be in bed when the others leave. I don’t think my husband is going to not see his father.

Someone has said I come over as defensive so I don’t know what people will think of this. I don’t think she is acting out of spite, I don’t think either of us feature in her thoughts much.

I can’t either morally, legally or physically keep my youngest children away from the wedding of an older half-sibling that they adore, want to be at, are positively excited about and that their other parent wants them at. To do something nefarious and take them away would do nothing for the relationship with my eldest or me for that matter.

And who is going to baby sit the 9 and 6 yos in your absence now you have made a legally, morally etc decision they MUST be there? Genuine Q. Or Is this another way to sabotage DH’s ability to play father of bride to your step daughter?

or can you not see the contradiction? You are either going to take the moral high ground, or just be as bad as SDD, in her decision to exclude the 14 yo and thus impacting the whole family! I am struggling to see the difference in SDD and your behaviour to be honest. Please enlighten us!

Testingmypatience1 · 19/04/2025 09:37

Absolutely disgusting behaviour, and would not happen in our house. It would be a dealbreaker and given you are married, it is joint money we would be pulling the plug on paying for it all.

If you allow this to continue op you are going to have a two tier family where one is ranked lower than the others. It will be so painful and hurtful for your dd, and this will become such an issue further down the line. Your sd should be told, we are a family and everyone is included or none of us.

Your poor dd. Your dh sounds weak and pathetic tbh. Not great traits. He should have nipped this in the bud immediately.

Testingmypatience1 · 19/04/2025 09:38

Your wedding - your choice but I won’t be paying for you to hurt other family members.

Lorlorlorikeet · 19/04/2025 09:39

Volpini · 19/04/2025 06:23

Reading OP‘s threads, the bride was 9 when her parents split up. We don’t know what happened subsequently, but bride is leaving clues that she felt abandoned by her father and if we are all honest, that’s not an abnormal response.
it‘s not a leap to imagine how she might have felt when her dad eventually remarried and took on/ raised and lived with another 4 year old daughter…
Getting pretty strong vibes that bride resents the 14 year old. No, it isn’t rational, or fair to the 14 year old, but I also feel for the 9 year old girl in that bride who probably feels unheard. (And yes, this isn’t the way to go about it, but people are complicated.)

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What a load of guff. You don’t know any of this. It’s entirely your fabrication. As is the case for most of the posters sharing relentless fiction they’ve created about the bride.

She can’t feel that ‘unheard’, daddy’s paying for the lot and she’s happily rejected a child she’s known since she was four and she was 19. Her parents splitting ten years prior is irrelevant to this child.

It really doesn’t matter what a few posters say, this wouldn’t be done in most families. It’s just such a dick move.

Testingmypatience1 · 19/04/2025 09:39

Your dh needs to stand up to this exclusion and bullying, the fact he can’t is really concerning. If there is a row, there is a row. Sometimes you have to stand up for what is right, regardless of how difficult it might be. Please start a new thread with an update op.

Original poster

Ombreofmyself · 19/04/2025 09:40

My younger children will be with their cousin in the car and their aunt and cousin’s wife at the reception.

I am not going in solidarity with my eldest not to sabotage my husband’s FoB duties.

OP posts:

Testingmypatience1 · 19/04/2025 09:41

You are doing the right thing standing by your daughter by the way. Totally the right thing.

Ponoka7 · 19/04/2025 09:42

Tricho · 18/04/2025 17:44

Bride is being downright cruel.

One more guest were talking 200 quid max. 200 quid of your husbands money and by extension therefore yours.

Make no mistake. She is sending out a clear message here. It is deliberate, and by design.

It's a message you need to send back now you know where you stand.

Treat her as if she is another person on the street, so:

No acknowledgement of birthdays.

No contribution to birthday gifts. Don't even sign the card.

Zero effort to co ordinate anything where she's concerned.

No babysitting or overnight stays.

She, and her children, are nothing to you and your poor daughter now.

Your husband also needs to grow a pair. I'd be utterly ashamed if my daughter acted ao cruelly, and I'd be telling her so. The fact he's paying for a guest list that is being used as a tool to hurt you and your daughter is obscene! He shoukd be refusing to finance this !

Edited

But the 14 year old is her DH's Step daughter, just like the bride is her step daughter. So how would that work if the DH insisted on the same?
As the Bride's father, he should want all his children there. These occasions do often show true feelings about step children. I don't think that they can be forced on to people, but in this case, she should have been invited because she is the flower girl's half-sister, just like the Bride.
Weddings and funerals/deaths give people the opportunity to score points over old grudges.

OVienna · 19/04/2025 09:42

Ombreofmyself · 19/04/2025 09:35

It is all too real and I am living through it. And he has raised the issue. But he thinks if he raises it again his daughter will row with him .

The SD might not see OPs daughter as family. But to row over it is so weird. I can't understand why it would be such a big deal especially when she's not even paying. She's a nasty cow.

Testingmypatience1 · 19/04/2025 09:44

I too think your sd knows precisely what she is doing. It is very cruel. Shocking in fact.

I could never look at my dh the same if he was so weak and spineless he was not even capable of ironing this out with the specimen he has raised. Honestly such a dreadfully poor reflection on him.

belgiumchocolates · 19/04/2025 09:46

Ombreofmyself · 19/04/2025 09:35

It is all too real and I am living through it. And he has raised the issue. But he thinks if he raises it again his daughter will row with him .

No row necessary. DH tells DD calmly and firmly that his family including you and DSD will be accompanying him to the wedding

Usernamexyz1 · 19/04/2025 09:46

Ombreofmyself · 19/04/2025 09:40

My younger children will be with their cousin in the car and their aunt and cousin’s wife at the reception.

I am not going in solidarity with my eldest not to sabotage my husband’s FoB duties.

Glad you answered. So no issues with you not attending then. Crack on.

just as I AGREE 14 yo would not be excluded in MOST families, I also AGREE in most families brides decision will be respected (as awful as it sounds) and op would attend in most families.

where is 14 yo dad in all this? Did you say SDD mum will be there? Yeah SDD decision was made to achieve this. Only her mum and dad and half siblings attend. That’s also alright. You have a ball with your 14 yo and forget any pretence your DH is capable of keeping you all as a family as well as accepting ssd doesn’t regard your 14 yo as family. When 14 yo marries, no doubt SDD will not be expecting an invite from someone she doesn’t interact with much. As I said, all this was a clear sign SDD might not invite 14 yo so none of this should come as a surprise.Good luck. It is all very sad and unnecessary.

OVienna · 19/04/2025 09:47

belgiumchocolates · 19/04/2025 09:46

No row necessary. DH tells DD calmly and firmly that his family including you and DSD will be accompanying him to the wedding

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This ^

TheHerboriste · 19/04/2025 09:47

Ponoka7 · 19/04/2025 09:42

But the 14 year old is her DH's Step daughter, just like the bride is her step daughter. So how would that work if the DH insisted on the same?
As the Bride's father, he should want all his children there. These occasions do often show true feelings about step children. I don't think that they can be forced on to people, but in this case, she should have been invited because she is the flower girl's half-sister, just like the Bride.
Weddings and funerals/deaths give people the opportunity to score points over old grudges.

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The bride is an adult twice the age of OP’s daughter and should be the bigger person.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 19/04/2025 09:49

How has SD reacted to the news that you are now not attending her wedding?

Testingmypatience1 · 19/04/2025 09:51

Exactly, why would there be a row op? Your dh should just tell his dd, he is paying for everything and would like the whole family there, and it would be cruel and unkind to leave one family member out.

Why is he so passive? Does he not realise the problems this is going to cause later down the line? This could rupture the entire family - as it should - because it is an act of cruelty.

FairKoala · 19/04/2025 09:52

InterIgnis · 18/04/2025 19:41

Well, they do, because OP’s husband isn’t going to stop them from doing so.

OP can’t unilaterally exclude her stepdaughter from the house her father lives in, nor exclude her from birthdays and Christmas.

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Unless the bride is a huge hypocrite she will be excluding herself and I doubt op and her daughter would be too pleased at having to share a family meal with someone who has made it clear isn’t family

Original poster

Ombreofmyself · 19/04/2025 09:52

I think my husband is in an impossible position, one that he has been put in by his daughter. He sees this and it’s actually taking a physical toll on him.

I would not risk a complete breach with my child and I understand my husband’s not being willing to push my stepdaughter too far.

And yes I know I am on my way to a two tier family with the Easter Service just the beginning.

I am not putting the younger ones in the middle though.

OP posts:

DearBee · 19/04/2025 09:53

RawBloomers · 19/04/2025 08:48

No it isn’t. It’s going to look like older DD is being taken somewhere she’ll enjoy because she isn’t invited to the exciting family wedding.

It’s also a great opportunity for OP to spend some time 1:1 with her DD - which is something that almost all teens value and that children in households with a step parent often really need. It would be a good thing to do even if the other DDs didn’t have their sister’s wedding to go to.

If you want to punish the step daughter’s poor attitude by not having the children go then own the decision and don’t let them go. Don’t make the children choose between two options and take on what should be your responsibility. That’s the bit that would make you a piss poor parent if you followed the poster’s suggestion.

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Fair enough. Tbh I probably wouldn't give them the choice. I'd just plan the trip to Disney and tell them we're going. And oh oops, booked it over the wedding date, that's the date we could get a good deal on the trip. Oh well never mind, I'm sure Sharon will have a lovely day anyway.

GRex · 19/04/2025 09:55

Usernamexyz1 · 19/04/2025 09:35

And who is going to baby sit the 9 and 6 yos in your absence now you have made a legally, morally etc decision they MUST be there? Genuine Q. Or Is this another way to sabotage DH’s ability to play father of bride to your step daughter?

or can you not see the contradiction? You are either going to take the moral high ground, or just be as bad as SDD, in her decision to exclude the 14 yo and thus impacting the whole family! I am struggling to see the difference in SDD and your behaviour to be honest. Please enlighten us!

Show quote history

This is a pathetic response. If the bride was concerned about family structure, then she would have invited her step sister. All her dad has to do on the day without the girls is wally get down the aisle, if he is doing that. He'll have plenty of time to look after his DDs. It's a ploy to keep away the step mum regardless, so bride won't care.

NotThatWitty · 19/04/2025 09:55

I don’t think she is acting out of spite, I don’t think either of us feature in her thoughts much.

Fair enough. But surely, she should have thought about you when your DH directly asked her if your eldest DD was included, and she said no. At that exact moment, she thought about your DD and made the deliberate choice to exclude her.

She is being spiteful. I usually day that just because a parent pays does not mean they get a say in the guest list. But your DH is asking for ONE extra guest - a 14 year old, who has been in his life since she was 4 years old, and whose younger siblings are going to be BMs. He is not asking for some random Joe Bloggs, his mate from work.

Your DH should push more. Right now, he is just making you out to be the bad guy - you refusing to go to see FiL today; you refusing to go to the wedding. I bet he'll even tell his DD that he tried to persuade you, but you are just so unreasonable and emotional.

Testingmypatience1 · 19/04/2025 09:55

I am now wondering aloud whether your dd has been cast as a second class citizen all the way through?

It’s highly unlikely your sd would just start now with her wedding. The presents, ignoring your dd on her birthday etc. this has all been going on for years, unchallenged.

Your problem now op is that they can do what they like to your dd because no one up to now has stopped them. This should have been addressed years ago.

I feel so sad for your dd what an awful environment to grow up in.

whathaveiforgotten · 19/04/2025 09:57

I wouldn’t be able to get past this and I would be very disappointed in my partner for not finding the balls to resolve it especially when he’s paying for the whole bloody thing. You must be so disappointed in them both and I don’t blame you for not considering going without your daughter. She’s lucky to have you.

Usernamexyz1 · 19/04/2025 09:58

Ombreofmyself · 19/04/2025 09:52

I think my husband is in an impossible position, one that he has been put in by his daughter. He sees this and it’s actually taking a physical toll on him.

I would not risk a complete breach with my child and I understand my husband’s not being willing to push my stepdaughter too far.

And yes I know I am on my way to a two tier family with the Easter Service just the beginning.

I am not putting the younger ones in the middle though.

Well, at least you have had 10 years of living in oblivion:-) All things do come to an end, as they say!

It translates to 10 years of SDD’s secret emotional turmoil.

if you keep looking at it from both sides, all shall be fine. If you only focus on SDD behaviour, it will just age your DH more.