14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

OP I wouldn't go to the lunch tomorrow purely because I wouldn't want that to be how my DD found out she isn't invited to the wedding! I wouldn't want it coming out infront of her before I'd had chance to tell her myself.

Your husband can reinforce the message you are a family by staying behind with you and saying he’s not going anywhere his wife and stepchild feel unwelcome to.
It’s not one-sided op.
No way would I leave my husband behind if one of my kids decided to play a spoilt brat and treated him (or his children) as non-family.

Argh, Disney!! Even I as an advocate for sucking it up, can see the appeal of this. Hope funds can extend to that trip for 4 seeing dh has just splashed out on a wedding! Sigh!!!

What proof could OP provide that would satisfy you? Why not report this thread if you don't believe that it is real. Troll hunting is not allowed on Mumsnet.

OP, is he actually using retirement funds to pay for this farce? How will that impact you in the long run? Why is he paying for a near 30 year old?

I don’t blame you for not attending Easter. Is your husband going without you?

Why wouldn’t the dad be at the head table? If you have a head table it is usually B&G, parents of both of them (not usually steps), best man, bridesmaids (younger bridesmaids, flower girls etc might sit on a different table with their parents)

If OP’s daughter doesn’t really interact with SD when she comes to their house maybe that is the reason she doesn’t see her as family

Exactly.

It seems like a pattern of OP getting short end of the stick.

Appalling behaviour. Id tell her its mean girl and hope she has a crappy day. Then not go myself either. Bitch

In my experience it’s just the B&G and wedding party; parents at various other tables.

At any rate good luck to him parenting the flower girls during the dinner.

And good luck to him facing the 14-year-old for the rest of his life.

I feel like your messages come across quite aggressively and defensively OP.

My parents split when I was a teenager. My Mum remarried and my Dad lived with a lady with children for years after I'd turned 18. In neither case did it even occur to me to invite my step-parents' family members to my wedding. I don't think I know anyone who invited their step-parents' parents or siblings to their wedding as it sounds like you were hoping for. I've only met my step-Dad's family once, at his wedding, and never met my Dad's partners family or children (who don't live with them).

I feel sorry for your DH having to either upset his wife, or DD on her wedding day. I don't think it's worth the upset and fall out.

I'd go to the wedding, and ask my DD's Dad to do something special with her for the weekend.

It's a bit of a chicken and egg situation. Which came first? OP's step-daughter being all over her half-sisters and ignoring OP's older daughter which has made her avoid her step-sister by staying upstairs because she's upset about being ignored, or OP's daughter staying upstairs to avoid her step-sister who she doesn't like, leading to her step-sister having no meaningful relationship with OP's older daughter?

Whichever scenario is correct, I still think the SD should be the bigger person as she is the adult in this situation who will be hurting a child.

Why would your DD sleep through church service? Maybe SD thinks your daughter is quite rude, might sleep through the wedding service

But parents are part of the wedding party ? The only time I've not seen them at the top table is when there wasn't a top table just a sweetheart table for the bride and groom.

Sorry don't want to derail !

What a mean thing to do . Poor DD.
DH should be having a strong word.

I would not go and nor would the other sisters be going .

OP's messages are fairly defensive but certainly not aggressive. She could go nuclear and refuse to allow her two younger daughters to be flower girls but she has said that this wouldn't be fair on them or her DH.

She is in an impossible situation here as at least one of her daughters is going to be very hurt. She is trying to mitigate and minimise the impact on her oldest daughter who will be very upset about being excluded from the wedding.

If the DD hardly interacts with SD and would sleep through a church service, she might not miss being invited to a wedding

Does the father of the bride no longer sit at the top table then?... thought that was a given.
Your eldest DD is as important to you as DH's eldest daughter is to him. The difference being that his eldest DD is as adult and should be capable of making appropriate decisions - someone upthread mentioned that your DD might not have been invited to make it difficult for you to attend - without actually not inviting you.
Only you know how you feel, and you know everyone else involved - based on what you've said I'd be having a long weekend away starting the day before the wedding to somewhere your DD would really love to go

Your partners daughter was an adult when you met. She has no reason to see your daughter as family. They weren’t both children when they met and had years to bond and grow together. She was an adult, your daughter was a child it’s not unexpected for them to not have a close or meaningful relationship.

My daughter only emerging for a meal is the result of the younger ones being excited to see my stepdaughter and not really being acknowledged in any meaningful way.

I didn’t mean to suggest my daughter would sleep through a church service I mean tomorrow she won’t feel left out as she will still be in bed when the others leave. I don’t think my husband is going to not see his father.

Someone has said I come over as defensive so I don’t know what people will think of this. I don’t think she is acting out of spite, I don’t think either of us feature in her thoughts much.

I can’t either morally, legally or physically keep my youngest children away from the wedding of an older half-sibling that they adore, want to be at, are positively excited about and that their other parent wants them at. To do something nefarious and take them away would do nothing for the relationship with my eldest or me for that matter.

How old are you all? Are you much younger than you husband? How was your relationship with SD before you had the younger kids? Does she essentially see you as your husband's wife and barely knows your daughter?

It sounds like SD essentially doesn't see you as a blended family. It seems nice enough that she tries with the half siblings. I mean there is a 20 year gap between them. Was it a case of your Dh go8ng back to having kids at a later age?

It doesn't sound like a snub as much as she sees her dad as family, has included half siblings but not the rest of you. To be fair...I don't think that's as ridiculous as you make it sound.

I have lots of friends whose parents got together with someone at a later stage in life and no way would those people's kids be included in my friends' family celebrations. They don't feel like they have any connections with them.

This is a ridiculous comment. Literally every wedding I've been to has had the parents at the top table, it does not indicate Daddy issues. It's totally normal.

Unfortunately it seems that this situation is just a result of blended families... You regard your SD as a daughter just like your own 3 biological daughters. Your SD, who lived her entire childhood without your firstborn in her life does not regard your firstborn as a sister. Respectfully, I think yabu to assume that SD will want to play happy families. In truth, your firstborn is nothing to do with her. You are her step mum, but she also had no control over that decision. Why should your biological family be invited if they are nothing to do with her? She didn't choose to take on all of your family, your DH did, but SD has obviously put in boundaries and it's her right to decide to only have her blood family at her wedding.
If you'd have met your DH prior to her being at uni, then perhaps you'd have had more of an opportunity for her to befriend your eldest daughter.

In summary, it would be nice for your SD to invite her SS, but in reality she is nothing to do with your biological daughter as she was an adult by the time you arrived on the scene. Her father having more children with you is lovely, but the line has to be drawn somewhere with wedding guests, unfortunately.

There's just no good reason based on the evidence OP has given not to include the step daughter.

(1) OPs husband is paying, so the 'burden' of an extra space for the step-daughter doesn't fall to the bride. When self-funding a wedding, you definitely have to think carefully because every person you invite involves excluding someone else, or adding extra cost. But the bride isn't paying so that doesn't apply here.

(2) The only other reasonable reason to exclude the step daughter is if she's: (a) had some really significant falling out with the bride which has gone unresolved, and / or (b) step daughter is just generally a nightmare at family events, and known to cause disruption etc. Doesn't sound like either of these fits the bill.

The given excuse of 'she's not family though' is just such weak piss, if there's not any deeper animosity that the OP hasn't disclosed. After all I assume plenty of the invitees (who OPs husband is paying for) aren't family, and I assume a decent number of them are +1s to friends of the bride and groom, who may not be well known to them
at all.

If bride can't see step daughter as family, she should at least see her as +1 to her dad who is paying for everything. If they have given any +1s to any other non-blood invitees, then not to do so is utterly unreasonable.

Traditionally, it’s both sets of biological parents and the best man, the remainder of the wedding party if there’s room and if not, at a different table. It would stick out like a sore thumb if the brides father wasn’t on the table

Come on, look at the defensive replies from the OP. Is the husband is a mute, or too spineless to raise this issue and question the SD?... Do you believe its a real scenario?