14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

They did blend though because OP and her DH had two children together who are half sisters to OP's daughter and the bride.

There is a bigger generational gap between the bride and her two half siblings but apparently she 'dotes' on them.

This is more than just 'not being close'. If OP's older daughter was an adult who had left home and had very little to do with her step-sister, not inviting her to the wedding might raise a few eyebrows but it wouldn't be upsetting. An adult deliberately excluding a child, whose sisters are both bridesmaids, is different.

and I would let the younger ones attend the wedding to send out a string message!

This!! My husband would never stand for this. It’s just plain nasty. What a cow his daughter is.

The game changer would be if OP says it’s all or nothing - if her oldest child isn’t attending, neither will her other children.

They’re all sisters and it would create a lot of upset in the family home for her to be excluded from such a big occasion that the younger ones will no doubt be excited about in the run up and afterwards. The fact your husband is paying makes this refusal even worse.

Does he favour his oldest child or feel guilt that he left her mother? What’s his relationship like with his ex? Maybe she’s had a hand in this decision to get to you. How long after the split did you get together - it’s all relevant in explaining the bride’s view of you, your daughter and her subsequent actions.

I can’t see how there would be any coming back from this.
She’s laid down the gauntlet, DH is a wet lettuce who won’t defend his SD over his DD, both of them are welcome to each other.
You should think about yourself and your three daughters and that’s it.
Do you have money of your own?

@Notsosure1. How about reading the OP’s posts? It’s all there.

She should, however, consider her father's feelings. And he's devastated. He's been step dad to this child for ten years, since she was a small child, and he's hurt that she's not invited and that his daughter would sew such division between the three younger girls and his family in general.

And he's paying for all this. So she's being spectacularly ungrateful.

The bride was 9 @OVienna , she was 19 when her dad met the Op.

I would plan something lovely for you and ALL your children. Why should SD get to pick and choose which one of your dds to invite and which one to snub. I would take a decision based on solidarity with your child being excluded. Get them all fancy dresses and plan something lovely for them so that they don't feel they miss out. Your DH is a very weak man indeed so let him go suck up on his own to his vile daughter.

Bride met the OP when she was 19. OP states more than once that her husband‘s marriage to bride’s mother broke up a decade before they met.
19 - 10 = 9.

He’s devastated op isn’t going. I didn’t get the impression from the ops comments that he was devastated his stepdaughter wasn’t going as he initially said she could go to her dad’s. At least I think that was said.

Edit
I’m wrong from the op he’s veering between upset she isn’t invited and then saying why can’t she go to her dad’s. He has also tried to ask bride and she’s adamant that her stepsister isn’t invited.

Further edit- I’ve reported my post above. No idea what I did there.

No it isn’t. It’s going to look like older DD is being taken somewhere she’ll enjoy because she isn’t invited to the exciting family wedding.

It’s also a great opportunity for OP to spend some time 1:1 with her DD - which is something that almost all teens value and that children in households with a step parent often really need. It would be a good thing to do even if the other DDs didn’t have their sister’s wedding to go to.

If you want to punish the step daughter’s poor attitude by not having the children go then own the decision and don’t let them go. Don’t make the children choose between two options and take on what should be your responsibility. That’s the bit that would make you a piss poor parent if you followed the poster’s suggestion.

So the father is paying. Which will include paying for his ex wife, her husband and two children they have together, but have nothing to do with him?
But tells his wife that his stepdaughter of 10 years can go to her dad’s?
Pathetic. And if his daughter stopped speaking to him over not paying for the wedding, well he’s just a cashpoint.
The dad met and married OP, ten years after his divorce. His ex wife is married with two more children. Time has passed.
I have a feeling that the bride thinks the stepdaughter might upstage her in some way. There is a reason other than her ‘lack of connection’ believe me. I could not plan a wedding that my dad was paying for and leave out a child in this way.

This is good advice

It only let me view the first two OP updates for some reason and scrolling through I can see more that aren’t coming up when I press See All - sorry about that!

How would your husband not allow it?

People are suggesting that I haven’t liked my stepdaughter because I have allowed her to be referred to by disparaging terms on here. I have liked her, it has been a sadness that she hasn’t really bonded with my daughter. My daughter tends to only appear for food when my stepdaughter is here as the younger ones are all over my stepdaughter.

It is hurtful that my husband has been referred to as snivelling and cowardly. He isn’t, but what can he do? No one would risk a relationship with a child.

People also seem to underestimate the brainpower of my youngest children who might be upset that my eldest and I aren’t going but they wouldn’t blame my stepdaughter, they know they have different families and they themselves are the link. If this wedding is somehow significant and referenced when they are adults they might have a different opinion, or even different from one another.

Tomorrow I categorically refuse to see my 91 year old father-in-law as stepdaughter will be there with her cousin and baby. Church service then pub lunch. I will keep my eldest with me, she will probably sleep through it anyway,

My husband thinks we should all go to reinforce the idea that we are a family in stepdaughter’s eyes.

DHOTYA potential winner? Could you please post proof this happened for my sanity. Sounds too far fetched and most definitely rage bait.

I doubt it would change her stance and how will you interact with her? Will you act as if nothing happened?

Husband is right regarding reinforcing you are a family. Indeed your decisions are reinforcing in SDD’s eyes that you and your 14 dd are not family!!! Pot kettle!

ypu are so proud and aware of your younger ones brainpower. What exactly do you think is in SDD’s head? Yup, her brainpower. And her interpretation of her life in her brainpower is powering her decision to exclude your 14 DD. If you look at both sides, you can find a middle ground. You and SDD both seem to only tend far out of their side. Only dad and young ones are capable of finding the middle ground. V v sad ON ALL 3 sides!

Bottom line is that the bride is not an omnipotent dictator. Husband should have said “Nonsense, of course we are bringing X, she’s my family. That’s that.”

Also weird that bride wants her father at head table. Daddy issues.

OP should withdraw the youngers and take all three to Disney. If bride can be a dictator, so can OP.

So when your step-daughter visits your home, she makes a point of being all over her sisters while pretty much ignoring your older daughter?

She doesn't seem very likeable to me.

Is the money to pay for her wedding coming from joint family money? I know you said ISA’s (which I don’t think can be joint) but are you being expected to pick up the financial slack here in any way? I think if you are then you need to put your foot down and refuse to take on any financial burden related to this even if it does impact your DH. She is perfectly entitled to invite who she likes but not if the impact is on your finances as a family and she is excluding someone important to you. She sounds horrible. I’d also pull your youngest girls too and if you DH gets arsey about it tell him he knows what the solution is! This idea that they all go off and have a lovely day while your daughter is left out is awful. And if the result is his daughter doesn’t talk to him again well that kind of shows her true colours doesn’t it? I know ppl on mn are quick to say LTB but this is really horrible and I’d be reevaluating my relationship with him if he’s willing to let this stand given he/your family is picking up some of the financial tab