14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

True, they could have OP's surname, but it's unlikely if she's married. They could have double barrelled names so OP's daughter would have that connection by name to her half siblings as would their father's daughter.

I can't imagine she ever considered her stepdaughter equal to her biological daughter especially as she only met her when she was an adult. She doesn't even want to attend her wedding.

Unless there is some issues or bad behaviour from your daughter the bride is a massive childish bitch

Normally my automatic response for any query like this is that the poster is being unreasonable. However, here, I don’t think you are.

The key nuances are:

• your husband is footing the bill for pretty much everything. So it is clearly not a monetary issue why your daughter has been excluded!!
• your daughter’s two half sisters are invited

Stand your ground. I feel you have enough bargaining power for a fourteen year old to be invited!! It’s not like you’re asking to invite someone they don’t know. Presumably she has known this girl for most of your daughter’s life?

The bride (and her father) are being incredibly short sighted here.

IMO a mother usually has more power over their children's upbringing than a father. If someone excluded one of my children in this way, I would make damn sure that all of my biological children were close and I'd exclude the non-bio child as much as was in my power. I wouldn't make it obvious, but it would be in all sorts of little ways.

People may say that is very vindictive but it would be in return for the adult stepchild's vindictiveness towards a child. Excluding one child because they're 'not family' when they are by marriage is exceptionally vindictive.

I would make damn sure that my two younger children saw their eldest sister as 'less family' than the 14yo. It would be referring to the 14yo as 'their sister' but calling the eldest sister by her name as in "Daddy's taking you to see Sharon today but your sister (14yo) is not going because she's going out with her friends".

I bet you the Dad wouldn't even notice as he sounds spineless. He could have sorted this without anyone else knowing. Appealing to the bride and groom that the fallout could be massive. Instead, he seems oblivious to how this would make his wife feel so I imagine that he'll be equally oblivious to those subtle ways of othering his eldest child.

In my family there is a stepchild who we have known since they were a tot. None of us would ever dream of excluding him from anything.

That child was treated the same as their siblings at Christmas, birthday's etc. They are now an adult with similar age gap siblings. They are all the same in our eyes, blood or not!

Reading OP‘s threads, the bride was 9 when her parents split up. We don’t know what happened subsequently, but bride is leaving clues that she felt abandoned by her father and if we are all honest, that’s not an abnormal response.
it‘s not a leap to imagine how she might have felt when her dad eventually remarried and took on/ raised and lived with another 4 year old daughter…
Getting pretty strong vibes that bride resents the 14 year old. No, it isn’t rational, or fair to the 14 year old, but I also feel for the 9 year old girl in that bride who probably feels unheard. (And yes, this isn’t the way to go about it, but people are complicated.)

Getting pretty strong vibes that bride resents the 14 year old. No, it isn’t rational, or fair to the 14 year old, but I also feel for the 9 year old girl in that bride who probably feels unheard. (And yes, this isn’t the way to go about it, but people are complicated.)

I think that likely hits the nail on the head.

I had something similar but different scenario. My grandfather rarely saw his children. He was born 1900, and in those days the man worked and wife kept house/children. He had many children to support, as was days before reliable contraception, the 1930’s through 50’s. Wife died, he had to work even harder and longer to afford a live-in housekeeper/nanny. So, it wasn’t until he retired at 65yo (compulsory back then), he was able to think about knowing his children, and by that time most of the older ones were married with kids themselves. So, when I came along, it coincided with a suddenly bored man, desperate to make family connections. My parents had purchased a neighbouring house by chance so he was the biggest involved grandfather there was! He was like a third parent and, unlike typical parents on Mumsnet who believe boundaries have been stamped if anyone so much as gives their baby/child a side glance, my parents were grateful for the extra hands. I had an extremely close relationship with him until his death. I had an aunt who was always cold to me, snappy to me etc. Thankfully she lived several hours away as had moved on marriage and only saw her frequently. Several years after he died she apologised to me saying she was ashamed as it was due to jealousy and hurt on her behalf as she had always craved a relationship with him, never had one and felt hard done by that I ‘got it all’. Then she was in her 70’s and said it was only at that point she could calm her feelings enough for her mind to rationally register it was not deliberate on my part.

I’m think the situation is similar here. Daughter who was 9yo when dad ‘stepped out’ had to then watch a decade of another child ‘having it all’ with her dad and still can’t rationally process it, hence the root cause of her behaviour. I would feel sorry for her, not angry at her.

The bride has known this child for ten years. She visits often enough that she's devoted to the other two half sisters, and she goes on holiday with OP and all three children. That's far from having met them 'a couple of times'.

I am late to this thread so apologies if this has been pointed out.

The 14 year old and her half sisters all need to be told. That is not an easy conversation. Yet it’s going to be @Ombreofmyself who has to break the news not SD or Dad.

Whilst the younger children will be very excited about being bridesmaids they are of an age where fairness can be black and white. They may see the unfairness and refuse to go without their half sister.

Alternatively SD may find she is on the pointed end of a lot of questions from her half sister’s between now and her wedding.

I really feel for the op having to tell SD but I am sure she will make the day fun for her.

All of this.
what a cruel cruel person your SD is.

The bride is spiteful and your husband appears to have no spine

I don't know how finances work in your home op. But I sure as hell wouldn't be financing this wedding even indirectly.

her finance had no idea my daughter existed when she first brought him round.

That's really odd. Like she didn't exist.
Are there some jealousy issues around your daughter?

The bride, not inviting her SS when her father has asked her to “please invite her SS” plus is paying for the reception, is rubbish behaviour.

The bride may not feel close to her SS - but the OP and her daughter have been in the bride’s life for over 10 years and have half sisters linking them.

You’re right she doesn’t HAVE to do anything but it is decent to include this young teen who the bride has known since was 3 or 4.

The bride has also caused great hurt to the OP who again she’s known for over 10 years and is the mother of her half sisters who are her flower girls.

You may think as a bride you can do anything and it’s your day - but the ramifications of upsetting her father, potentially her half sisters, her step mum and 14 yo step sister will be long lasting and woven into the family now.

What's the alternative? OP arranges a trip to Disneyland with her eldest daughter and doesn't give her younger daughters the choice of coming with her? They are upset because they would prefer to go with their mum and sister to Disneyland. Most kids would probably prefer a trip to Disneyland than attending a wedding for one day, even if they are bridesmaids.

Or are you saying that OP shouldn't find something exciting to do with her elder daughter in case her other daughters want to come and it ruins the wedding?

OP is in an impossible situation here. She loves all three of her daughters but has no control of or say in a situation that is going to deeply hurt her older daughter. A situation that seems to have been created by her step-daughter out of spite, to make a point, as how would her 14 year old step sister attending a wedding spoil it in any way? She isn't having to pay extra because she is paying for nothing.

how much money are you talking? Is this also your money or savings DH has from before you married?

You'd be surprised how much power wives have over their husbands in situations like this. Remember that the man married op, his daily life revolves around op and their younger children not his older children who he most likely sees occasionally. Men like comfort, don’t usually want to create problems for themselves in their own home. He might go with the bride’s wishes on this occasion because it’s her wedding day but don’t mistake that for the bride somehow taking the control over a grown man who has his own family.

It is very likely that she will not receive invitations to future events such as Christmases or birthdays. It will sting particularly bad when she has her own children and they are excluded from their grandfathers home and/or have to see him briefly without the wider family around. And if the bride thinks she will always get her way as she did with the wedding she will be surprised. The man wouldn’t risk a divorce over his grown daughter’s hissy fits.

I know my husband would respect my wishes if I decided to exclude a family member from our home.

I would also do this. I'd probably go further too, and tell my two younger dc just how spiteful and rude 'Sharon' is for doing this and excluding their sister. I wouldn't mince my words.

If I were OP, I would invite the younger kids to Disneyland too.

This situation has been caused by DSD, not OP.

Fight fire with fire.

It's a nasty thing to do to her step sister. Did she not want you there either but wanted a more subtle way of achieving that?

Thank you for making this post.
I had a grandfather who doted on me and an aunt who hated me and has never matured enough to figure out what your aunt did so your post really spoke to me.
Such a great pity x

The alternative would be to arrange an exciting trip a 14 year old would love that would be inappropriate for a 6 and 9 year old. It’s not in any way difficult, let alone impossible.

I understand why OP is upset. But the suggestion she should put her other DDs in that situation is just plain nasty. Thankfully OP sounds like she is far more mature and a far better mother than the poster who made that suggestion.

She does want go attend the wedding, she just wants all 3 of her daughters to be there. And she’s to be commended for that.

Hard disagree. It's still going to look like the older DD is getting a lovely trip and they are not. They should be invited on the trip. After all, it's not nice to exclude some of the children from family trips... or say, weddings.

If that makes me immature or a bad mother in your opinion, so be it.