Page 35 | 14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

Ombreofmyself · 2025-04-18T14:03:01+00:00

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers. Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride. My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited. Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going. Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

nomas · 19/04/2025 02:32

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 19/04/2025 01:00

Where is the ageism? Outdated concepts of obligation aren't the preserve of the elderly.

The OP needs to hand this matter diplomatically with her daughter.

The bride doesn't have invite the 14 year old. The 14 year old is not part of her family and is old enough to understand that it is not personal.

The OP has made the brides wedding all about her daughter, even thought she has acknowledge that the 14 year old has no relationship with the bride.

As others have said it speaks volumes that the OP has not challenged the malicious things said on this thread about the bride. It would been possible for the OP to respect the bride as a decent human being but disagree with the decision she has made about inviting the 14 year old. That has not happened and it speaks volumes about the OP. As does her expectation that the bridge invite other people with whom the bride has no relationship.

Wow, so the DSD excludes her step-sister, and yet you have somehow made the OP the bad guy here for not defending her DSD?

The DSD is a grown ass woman of around 30. She doesn’t need to be defended by an adult, she is an adult herself, albeit an immature one who has no inkling of the things she has set in motion.

nomas · 19/04/2025 02:35

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 02:29

Yes, he can. OP hosting does not prevent his daughter from being in her father’s home.

I said if he perceives her as hostile. If he perceives her as unwelcoming to his daughter. Right or wrong, justified or not, this could end in marital breakdown. OP doesn’t need to roll over, but nor does her husband. Like I said, this is a recipe for discord and could very easily lead to marital breakdown. It’s up to OP if that’s an outcome she wants or not.

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I don’t think he should be able her invite her to a meal OP has cooked if OP doesn’t want him to. OP is not his housekeeper, she has agency in deciding who is at her meal. If he cooks, that’s different.

If he wants to die on this ditch, it’s him facilitating the marital breakdown.

CandidRobin · 19/04/2025 02:38

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 19/04/2025 02:19

I completely disagree. His stepchild will always remember how she was treated as being lesser than, not a full member of the family.

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She is a full member of her own family ie her mother and half siblings', her father's (OP says he's involved) plus her stepfather appears to treat her as family. No-one should expect anyone who had no choice over the situation to treat anyone as family ie stepfather's daughter had absolutely no choice over who her father married never mind whether that person had children, therefore it is ridiculous to expect that she is forced to have any feelings towards her father's step children.
OP and her husband chose to complicate this situation by having children together when they both already had children. Their wishes were more important than the existing children's.
OP should not apportion blame to her husband's child for how her existing child feels. She and her husband created this. At least her husband appears to accept that fact and is trying to be a father to his daughter. Clearly PPs feel this child should be cast into the wilderness as a punishment for her father's choices to marry a stranger to her, hopefully her father has more humanity than them. Thankfully, it appears that he is trying to do the right thing by her.

nomas · 19/04/2025 02:41

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 02:31

I haven’t said she lacks agency. I said she cannot ban his daughter from her father’s home. That does not mean Op has to cook for her.

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Yes, I don’t think anyone has said she can or should be banned. But I just don’t think she has been very bright alienating her step-mother like this. I think it will bite her on the arse.

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 19/04/2025 02:43

nomas · 19/04/2025 02:32

Wow, so the DSD excludes her step-sister, and yet you have somehow made the OP the bad guy here for not defending her DSD?

The DSD is a grown ass woman of around 30. She doesn’t need to be defended by an adult, she is an adult herself, albeit an immature one who has no inkling of the things she has set in motion.

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The bride did not set anything in motion. The respective divorces /relationship break downs set things in motion outside of the bride or the OPs daughter's control. The bride is old enough to choose who she considers family and who she does not.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 19/04/2025 02:49

nomas · 18/04/2025 20:19

Equally OP does not owe it to her adult DSD to facilitate her relationship with her half sisters, especially when DSD is trying to be a divisive force.

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What evidence do you claim this is divisive? I wouldn't expect in my late 20/30s to have to invite to my wedding some random non relative that I might have met a couple of times. If my dad asked politely I might, of course, have considered.

WhoMeMissYesYouMiss · 19/04/2025 02:49

NiceoneSonny · 19/04/2025 01:48

Can you point out where the OP said that her 14 year old has "no relationship" with the bride?
Op wrote: She is perfectly pleasant but never goes beyond pleasant.

Careful now, don't conflate the SD's cold attitude towards the 14 year old with the 14 year old's attitude towards the SD. It's the SD who never goes beyond pleasant. The 14 year old may well have a completely different attitude towards her step sister, and her feelings are equally valid.

The 14 year old's attitude to the SD does not matter in this situation. It's not possible to for her to have a deep relationship who simply doesn’t regard her as family.

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 02:50

nomas · 19/04/2025 02:35

I don’t think he should be able her invite her to a meal OP has cooked if OP doesn’t want him to. OP is not his housekeeper, she has agency in deciding who is at her meal. If he cooks, that’s different.

If he wants to die on this ditch, it’s him facilitating the marital breakdown.

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He is able to invite her to the house regardless of whether OP wants him to or not. That does not mean OP has to cook for her (who says she would even be going over expecting a meal, rather than just popping in to see her father?).

It doesn’t matter who anyone else thinks is to blame for any marital breakdown. What matters is whether OP is prepared for that to happen or not. I specifically say OP here based on the fact that he’s already made it known that he isn’t prepared to risk losing his relationship with his daughter over the feelings of OP and her daughter (and has already questioned why said daughter can’t just go to her own father’s house on the day of the wedding), so I wouldn’t be at all surprised if that would be his chosen ditch.

Sodullincomparison · 19/04/2025 02:52

I don’t think the bride should have to invite her step sister just because she is her step sister.

however, this exclusion of any child out of a family of 5 is nasty and vindictive.

I grew up in a blended family and remember looking at the seating chart at a wedding when I was 14 and being starkly aware I was the only one with my surname. Even that made me consider my place in it all- this will be a strong message to your daughter about her place in the family.

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 02:52

nomas · 19/04/2025 02:41

Yes, I don’t think anyone has said she can or should be banned. But I just don’t think she has been very bright alienating her step-mother like this. I think it will bite her on the arse.

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A stepmother she doesn’t seem to have much of a relationship with as it is? Of course, as you want it to bite her on the arse.

nomas · 19/04/2025 02:52

socialdilemmawhattodo · 19/04/2025 02:49

What evidence do you claim this is divisive? I wouldn't expect in my late 20/30s to have to invite to my wedding some random non relative that I might have met a couple of times. If my dad asked politely I might, of course, have considered.

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Of course it’s divisive. OP’s dd is part of the blended family. DSD has sought to create division here.

Why invite her step-mother then, she’s probably met her as much as she’s met the dd.

nomas · 19/04/2025 02:57

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 02:52

A stepmother she doesn’t seem to have much of a relationship with as it is? Of course, as you want it to bite her on the arse.

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A step-mother who is mother to her half-sisters. I wouldn’t jeopardise that, but DSD seems to lack any foresight.

It’s not about what I want, we’ll never know what happens to this anonymous family on tinternet. But yes, in OP’s shoes, this DSD would be dead to me and I would tolerate her as little as possible from now on. I certainly wouldn’t lift a finger to facilitate anything for her from now on.

nomas · 19/04/2025 02:59

Sodullincomparison · 19/04/2025 02:52

I don’t think the bride should have to invite her step sister just because she is her step sister.

however, this exclusion of any child out of a family of 5 is nasty and vindictive.

I grew up in a blended family and remember looking at the seating chart at a wedding when I was 14 and being starkly aware I was the only one with my surname. Even that made me consider my place in it all- this will be a strong message to your daughter about her place in the family.

Yes, can you imagine the fallout if the dd was getting married and excluded the step-daughter. Some people here would be singing a very different tune.

nomas · 19/04/2025 03:03

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 02:50

He is able to invite her to the house regardless of whether OP wants him to or not. That does not mean OP has to cook for her (who says she would even be going over expecting a meal, rather than just popping in to see her father?).

It doesn’t matter who anyone else thinks is to blame for any marital breakdown. What matters is whether OP is prepared for that to happen or not. I specifically say OP here based on the fact that he’s already made it known that he isn’t prepared to risk losing his relationship with his daughter over the feelings of OP and her daughter (and has already questioned why said daughter can’t just go to her own father’s house on the day of the wedding), so I wouldn’t be at all surprised if that would be his chosen ditch.

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Yes, and OP is not likely to forget this cruelty to her own daughter. What kind of man thinks the solution here is for OP, as a mother, to attend this wedding with two out of her 3 daughters and send the third child away? A weak, cowardly man. That will sink in for OP at some point.

OP may well decide in time that this snivelling man is not worth fighting for.

Pallisers · 19/04/2025 03:03

ThorsRaven · 19/04/2025 01:57

She said they weren’t really related. When she was told I wouldn’t go without her she said my daughter obviously had another family.

My youngest children aren’t stupid. They know the two older ones aren’t related to each other.

They are related. Your DD is the sister of SD's sisters.

Your SD is excluding her sisters sister from her wedding, after inviting everyone else from that household. That's really quite mean.

Being related means "belonging to the same family" or "connected by kinship or marriage",

SD is related to your DD by both marriage and through kinship. They are not directly related genetically, but they are related through their shared sisters. They belong to the same family, whether she likes it or not.

I agree completely with this and am astounded that so many posters think of this 14 year old as some random teen that the bride has hardly every met and so why should she be invited to her wedding.

Well apart from the fact that the bride should graciously give an invitation to someone her dad wants there when he is paying for the entire thing ...

She is part of the bride's larger family whether the bride likes it or not. She is part of the OP's larger family whether the OP likes it or not.

Personally I would never want to blend families or have step children or any of this - because of situations like the OP is describing. But this situation is happening. The people saying the 14 year old is nothing to the bride?? come on. Those little flower girls will grow up. They will have graduations, weddings, christenings, birthday parties, etc. And guess who will be invited to them - the bride and the 14 year old "randomer" who should mean nothing to her apparently. Guess who those flower girls will mean - do mean - when they say "my sisters" the bride AND the 14 year old.

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 03:14

nomas · 19/04/2025 02:57

A step-mother who is mother to her half-sisters. I wouldn’t jeopardise that, but DSD seems to lack any foresight.

It’s not about what I want, we’ll never know what happens to this anonymous family on tinternet. But yes, in OP’s shoes, this DSD would be dead to me and I would tolerate her as little as possible from now on. I certainly wouldn’t lift a finger to facilitate anything for her from now on.

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So? She can have a relationship with them through their shared father. For all we know that’s already what happens.

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 03:16

nomas · 19/04/2025 03:03

Yes, and OP is not likely to forget this cruelty to her own daughter. What kind of man thinks the solution here is for OP, as a mother, to attend this wedding with two out of her 3 daughters and send the third child away? A weak, cowardly man. That will sink in for OP at some point.

OP may well decide in time that this snivelling man is not worth fighting for.

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Okay 🤷🏻‍♀️

nomas · 19/04/2025 03:18

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 03:14

So? She can have a relationship with them through their shared father. For all we know that’s already what happens.

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Yes, let’s see how well that works out for her.

CandidRobin · 19/04/2025 03:19

Sodullincomparison · 19/04/2025 02:52

I don’t think the bride should have to invite her step sister just because she is her step sister.

however, this exclusion of any child out of a family of 5 is nasty and vindictive.

I grew up in a blended family and remember looking at the seating chart at a wedding when I was 14 and being starkly aware I was the only one with my surname. Even that made me consider my place in it all- this will be a strong message to your daughter about her place in the family.

You say the bride should not have to invite her stepsister because she's her stepsister yet not inviting her when she's part of a family unit of 5 is nasty and vindictive. Which is it? Is it ok for the bride not to invite her when it's a smaller family unit or bigger?
If bride invites stepsister Should she then arrange for change of surname for her because she won't share surname with bride and half siblings so stepsister doesn't feel excluded from family?

TheHerboriste · 19/04/2025 03:21

nomas · 19/04/2025 03:03

Yes, and OP is not likely to forget this cruelty to her own daughter. What kind of man thinks the solution here is for OP, as a mother, to attend this wedding with two out of her 3 daughters and send the third child away? A weak, cowardly man. That will sink in for OP at some point.

OP may well decide in time that this snivelling man is not worth fighting for.

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I doubt she’ll ever look at him the same way again.

GRex · 19/04/2025 03:22

socialdilemmawhattodo · 19/04/2025 02:49

What evidence do you claim this is divisive? I wouldn't expect in my late 20/30s to have to invite to my wedding some random non relative that I might have met a couple of times. If my dad asked politely I might, of course, have considered.

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Hardly a randomer. She'll likely have met the step sister as often as her half sisters who are flower girls. Or more often, because she's older and was there first. Say it's only 5 times a year over 10 years, that's still 50 times! Some on those times lasting at least a week since a holiday was described!

nomas · 19/04/2025 03:28

CandidRobin · 19/04/2025 03:19

You say the bride should not have to invite her stepsister because she's her stepsister yet not inviting her when she's part of a family unit of 5 is nasty and vindictive. Which is it? Is it ok for the bride not to invite her when it's a smaller family unit or bigger?
If bride invites stepsister Should she then arrange for change of surname for her because she won't share surname with bride and half siblings so stepsister doesn't feel excluded from family?

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You’ve assumed this, the dc could have OP’s names, or double barrelled.

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 03:33

nomas · 19/04/2025 03:18

Yes, let’s see how well that works out for her.

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I’m not sure why you’re anticipating it being a huge issue other than because you want it to be.

nomas · 19/04/2025 03:39

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 03:33

I’m not sure why you’re anticipating it being a huge issue other than because you want it to be.

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‘Let’s see’ is just a saying, we won’t actually see anything, so what I want is immaterial, as is what you want.

InterIgnis · 19/04/2025 03:47

nomas · 19/04/2025 03:39

‘Let’s see’ is just a saying, we won’t actually see anything, so what I want is immaterial, as is what you want.

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The inference is as apparent as the others have been. You’ve already made clear that you think OP’s acquiescence is necessary in order for the sisters to have a relationship, despite OP saying nothing that suggests that is in fact that the case.

I don’t ’want’ anything regarding an outcome, given I have no vested interest one way or the other. They’ll all do as they like.