14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

That is such a massive fuck you to your poor DD, I would be incandescent

Your DH does indeed need to have a strong conversation with his daughter. It will be a difficult conversation but one that must be had.

Putting aside the money, savings being spent etc this is about a very fundamental point…your dd is a child and is a part of the family along with the younger dc. It is cruel to isolate a child in this way. The bride needs to be told.

She also needs to be told that you will also not be there so there will be no one to look after the younger dc once they start getting bored and fractious. Or DH will have to do it so will not be able to fulfill some of his Father of the Bride duties. That might make her think.

No I’m not the bride. But I do think weddings are for day for the bride and the groom. Regardless of who is paying. I genuinely think weddings should be intimate affairs with just those nearest and dearest at weddings. If the bride was always just ‘pleasant’ and said “happy birthday mate” on the step-sister’s birthday then it was always thus.

I think folk with mixed families need to anticipate it is never going to be like the original family. Those outside the immediate family often don’t see the kids as blood relatives. It is what it is

How does your daughter act around your husband? Does she take up most of his time and focus? Maybe his daughter wants to not have to deal with that on her wedding day.

They aren't close. Bullying her into giving an invite won't change that.

Rye day?

That’s absolutely awful. I don’t blame you for not going.

your DH is being and an arse and the bride is a total bitch

I got married almost 30 years ago and my parents paid for most of the wedding. They invited many of their friends who I barely knew, but I didn’t feel I was in any position to object as I’d accepted them paying for it.

Your DH is paying. He should insist on your daughter attending. You have every right to be very pissed at him avoiding putting his food down.

I was thinking this as well.

It wouldn't probably be an issue for the bride at all if her dad and sisters attended by themselves.

I think this is just a reality of living in a blended family. Not everyone has signed up to recognising it as a family just because some members think it is and social events can bring that very clearly into focus. A lot of people are shocked to find out they're not actually considered as family members.

Best thing the OP can do now is minimise the impact on her DD. How about taking her out for a day out somewhere to do something nice? Something she would really enjoy doing.

How old are your other children?

This is a good point. I would be sitting back and watching this very closely. Is there the possibility that she would prefer it if her mum and dad were there but not you? Perhaps the little ones are welcome because they will make cute flower girls/ bridesmaids.

This is one of those times when I do think it’s ok for her dad to say she has to invite your daughter especially as he’s paying.

I firmly believe in ‘their day so their choice’ but this is different.

Were you at all responsible for her mum and dad splitting up?

I can’t understand her thinking at all.

What age was your step daughter when you got together with her dad?

How much time did your step daughter spend with your daughter? Did she stay at yours half the time etc?

I’ve got a teenage step-sister, she’s absolutely vile (not to me) but she’s horrible to her Mum (who constantly makes excuses for her), friends, her Dad, all her blood relatives.

I’d still invite her to my wedding, it would be so mean to leave her out.

What were the circumstances of the split ? Is SD harbouring something from there.

Even if she doesn’t think of her as family, I’m sure there are lots of other non-family people at the wedding. What an odd thing to do

Well, it has happened so whether the decision is morally right or wrong, isn't the key point. It is what you do next.

Does your 14 year old care about this? If they don't have a relationship, she may not be that bothered about attending in which case, I would take your lead from her and let it go.

I don't think you should try and force an invite for her because I think your 14 year old would rightly feel very awkward attending an event where she wasn't really wanted.

If she is upset about not attending, then you need to explore that with her, let her come to terms with it and reassure her that you, your husband and younger children are her family.

I don't think forcing an invite improves the outcome.

Another YANBU. Usually firmly in the camp of bride and groom get to choose (having been through the palaver of interfering family/parents wanting half the world invited to my own wedding). However - this is one individual, and a core part of your immediate family. She's also 14, and the bride is an adult. She should be kinder and know better. It will be nothing to her to include your daughter in the celebrations, she doesn't even really have to speak to her if she doesn't want to. I think if she is adult enough to make that decision, then you and her father have to have a serious chat about what the repercussions will be, and she has to be adult enough to face the consequences.

I don't think the OP should try to force her DD onto the guest list. That could potentially be disastrous for the DD and lead to an upsetting situation.

Imagine being at an event you know you weren't invited to but were pushed into. It only takes a few comments from some drunken guests to have a huge impact on a young teenager.

Being 14 is hard enough without being used to make a point.

Unless there is some massive backstory of your dd being a really nasty, adolescent brat to the bride she is being very unreasonable. Paying for the wedding or not I’d want her father to tell her she’s being very mean spirited and should invite all members of his household.

How old is the bride? How much time has she spent with your DD?

Exactly I agree child free weddings are fine but I don't think it's okay to invite some siblings and not all. Seems very cruel. I understand they're not blood relatives, but I would feel extremely disappointed if this was my daughter.

What a nasty thing to do.

This is surely aimed at you, OP, and at causing maximum problems in your marriage?

That is terrible. I can't imagine there's a good way out of this either?

• Brides dad puts his foot down and your daughter attends - you'd all know that this was done under duress.
• Bride gets her way, you don't go, OP - rift created between you and bride for all time - and subsequent rift with your husband.
• Bride gets her way, you go to wedding, you'll feel wronged and wrongfooted - rift all round.

I know that people are entitled to the weddings they want but it just goes to show how horrendous they can become.

If the bride were in any way decent and cognisant she would have invited all - but that horse has bolted. Even if she relents you'll know that it's not what she wanted to do.

Your DH should grow a pair and tell her that he's not contributing fibancially to a wedding where one child in the family is excluded.
I wouldn't go either if I were you. Sorry that your SDD is such a selfish bitch.