14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

That’s very unfair and I’d refuse to go too

It seems unnecessarily confrontational for her to be excluded.
What relationship / interactions do/did they have day to day / month to month?

Is your DH paying from his personal funds, or a joint account? If you are in anyway contributing a penny that would change the outcome.

What's the backstory here? Do they not get on? It feels like there must be a bit more to it

YABU to think he has the final say because he is paying, but I agree YANBU that it isn't fair or kind to exclude a young teenager from a family gathering.

There must be a good reason the 14 year old isn't invited, what is that reason?

She dotes on the younger ones and is pleasant to eldest but her finance had no idea my daughter existed when she first brought him round.

He has paid for everything by cashing ISAs etc

@Ombreofmyself

What was the relationship like between the bride and your DD?

Did you meet after she became an adult?

Have you ever been on holiday together or spent time together?

Just trying to get a sense of how the bride views your DD

I'd make it clear that she is doing something there is no going back from.
If she follows this through you'll will match her energy in kind.

Every event, future children etc.
You will act as though she is a stranger.

What’s the story about the younger children being bridesmaid/flower girls? Sounds like a complicated back story.

Doesn't sound like it would actually effect the daughter as she'd just go through her dad, so not really going to solve anything.

That's horrendous, she must have been a tiny child when you got together so they've known each other most of your DD's life.

What's the relationship between SD and your DH been like? If he wasn't very present perhaps she resents your daughter seeing more of him than she did growing up?

How old is stepdaughter?

It's not about effecting the daughter.
Its about effecting him.

Think of the headache this will cause.
His own daughter and grandchildren not welcome in his home or the fight he will have to do.

The younger children are related to the Bride they share a parent and are half siblings. The step child doesn't share a parent so she sees them as unrelated.
I think the Bride is being cruel and as your husband is paying he should insist the step child is included. If not then I don't blame OP for not going to the wedding

She simply doesn’t regard her as family.

She is perfectly pleasant but never goes beyond pleasant. On holiday once when my daughter was 11. She came down and tapped her on the head and said Happy Birthday Mate. End of!

Younger ones would get presents not necessarily on the day but nearest day.

We need more info. Background on the story of the half sisters being in the wedding and your historical relationship with the sd

Although I might say when it was agreed that your joint children were going to be in the wedding, why wasn’t the role of the 14-year-old discussed at that point?

It’s it is one thing inviting your daughter to come to the wedding but not have a role versus not inviting someone as purposely as this.
there has to be more to it

How does your 14-year-old behave towards the stepdaughter?

This is horrible of her, but I'm not sure your husband can insist she is invited even if he is paying. But I absolutely would make my feelings clear and not attend.

That's awful, your poor daughter. How big is this wedding?

Perhaps this is too cynical, but part of me wonders if it isn't a tad convenient that she gets a wedding without her stepmum, without having actually withheld an invitation from you.

Your eldest isn’t related to the bride. It’s the bride’s day. Why can’t your daughter go to her dad’s? These types of events were obviously going to happen when you chose to have a ‘blended’ family,

I think that’s allowed, tbh. They aren’t blood relations and as stepsister, she had no say in how the families were blended. What is the age difference?

I think it’s not great that your daughter isn’t invited to the wedding, because she’s obviously part of your family, and I would be pushing back on that. But you can’t make stepdaughter see her as part of her own family.

He'll probably just go his daughters house and have a direct relationship with her and future GC. He'll live a compartmental life like a lot of people do.

Honestly I don't think it would have the impact you think it will. Its not really a strong card to play. He might grumble but doesn't sound like it would be a game changer for him.

Your eldest isn’t related to the bride. It’s the bride’s day. Why can’t your daughter go to her dad’s? These types of events were obviously going to happen when you chose to have a ‘blended’ family,

Are you the bride?

It’s one child - and not a bus full of random strangers.

Yes it is unkind of your stepdaughter not invite her, considering she’s not actually paying for any of it!

It IS a shitty thing to do and I am usually very much in the your wedding your choice camp but given that your DD isn't invited I don't think you should take her even if your DH insists she be allowed to go.
Its unfair on your DD to be taken somewhere she isn't wanted, I would take her somewhere nice for the weekend instead and cool relations with your DH's daughter.

are children who are not part of the wedding being invited?