14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

What was she supposed to say? I don't see the problem tbh

@Cornishclio “That indicates stepsister sees them (her Dads daughters) as her half sisters but not your daughter.”

Because that is what they are.

Based on what you've told us op, that's disgusting she's not invited. Really unforgivable and in your shoes, I definitely wouldn't go.

Is DH using his own money or family money? People arrange their finances very differently.

I would withdraw my other DC from the wedding. I just would not tolerate this nastiness. I would use an equivalent amount of money to take them to Disneyworld or something.

Yes they are. They are step sisters. Not blood relations but still step relations so still family. All my step siblings came to my wedding. Would have been very weird not to invite them even though we weren’t raised together

She is family. She is her father's step-daughter and her sisters' sister. I can almost guarantee that there will be several other people at the wedding who are "not family". There is no reason at all not to invite an older child to your wedding when you are not having to concern yourself with costs and you know that not inviting them puts someone you are supposed to love in an incredibly difficult situation. She honestly can't think much of her dad to accept his generosity whilst making his family situation so fraught.

On the basis that dh is paying, and stepsister is part of his family, she should be invited.

What a horrible thing to do, what is seriously wrong with people?

Your poor dd! Take her somewhere really nice for that weekend and leave him to figure out the childcare as it’s not your problem

I would approach it like this ‘We would love to celebrate your wedding with you. I won’t be able to join if your stepsister isn’t invited, and your dad needs to be able to focus on supporting and celebrating you so we’d need for the younger two to miss out as well. I hope you’re able to accommodate us all, but it’s your choice, let us know what you decide to do’
don’t get into threats about money etc, stick to facts and natural consequences.

I thought that she might be under pressure from her mum to exclude your daughter and thereby squeeze you out, but you say that the mum has been with someone else for some time and has had more children, so that seems unlikely.

Could the bride see you as a transient relationship? Is your marriage rocky, have you been on the verge of separating, anything like that?

It’s cruel to exclude a child. If your daughter were 18+ she’d be invited (or not) in her own right and that would be ok. But at 14 she’s part of the family unit imo.

I truly hope some of the posters on here are never part of a blended family, maybe remember what being a 14 year old child feels like.

she already has to live in a home with half siblings who have both their parents together. She is now finding herself on the outside of the family.

as a stepchild myself, I’d have been devastated. I would seriously be considering how I felt about my husband for not even broaching this, to even get to the bottom of what his eldest is thinking.

these aren’t short relationships, and there is no justification to be so damn spiteful to a child. If I were the op, I’d be seriously considering what message I’d want my daughter to take away from this, I feel like it would kill the marriage for me.

I think there's a whole lot more to all this, which may have been simmering under the surface for a while. Usually is in these situations whether people realise it or not.

I wonder whether the dad and DD have had conversations over the years that the OP isn't aware of. So deep down he knows what the bride is actually thinking which is why he doesn't want to force the issue.

Strip everything back for a second, blended family, not related etc. This is basically just a really fucking mean and spiteful thing to do to a child for absolutely no reason whatsoever.

It isn’t going to cost bride anything. The child is a teen and won’t be noisy, annoying etc.

People are such horrible dicks sometimes, sorry for your daughter OP. I wouldn’t go either.

I think that is a bit of an assumption there.

I have step sisters on both sides of my family and they didn't come to my wedding and I didn't go to theirs. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

I would have been mortified though if my mum had gone in demanding I go! that would have been more traumatic at 14 to know I had to go somewhere I wasn't invited and not wanted.

So it's not all black and white. Everyone has a different viewpoint.

The younger ones will not be withdrawn or used as bargaining chips.

Daughter doesn’t know anything yet.

He said he will ask his 70 year old sister to look after them,

I used the Happy Birthday Mate as an example of how Step-daughter sees daughter. It’s not a grudge.I wouldn’t have expected her to bring a birthday present but I would have got her one in the day. We were in Florida.

I don’t understand how step-relatives have to be foisted on each other when they don’t want to be. And that relationship might never develop. They’re not related.

I’m assuming your DD also doesn’t feel close to your DH’s daughter, in which case won’t be bothered about not attending the wedding and can enjoy a day with her Dad.

Absolutely this.

Lots of people that aren't 'blood family' get invited to other people's weddings.

They're not expecting her to do anything. She doesn't even have to speak to her! But she can attend the wedding

Controversial but if one of my kids was excluded then none of them would be going. This is a family occasion and the bride is splitting up a family.

Out of interest, does your DD buy your SD birthday presents/cards etc?

I think given SD was an adult when she met your DD, the level of relationship they have is pretty reasonable. But she should have been invited to the wedding as part of your household

I swear we have this thread at least once a week. People who have created these messy, blended arrangements with half siblings and step siblings and whatever and then get the hump when other people disagree with them on what "family" is.

Seems this woman getting married was an adult by the time the OP met her father, she has had zero relationship with the OP's teenager and as the OP says, the relationship is polite and cordial at best.

It is not the bride's "fault" that she does not consider this unrelated teenager as family. It is what it is and the OP - much as she wants to force everyone to play along with her happy families - does not get to force people to feel a certain way.