Page 5 | 14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

Ombreofmyself · 2025-04-18T14:03:01+00:00

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers. Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride. My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited. Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going. Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

SnoozingFox · 18/04/2025 16:15

It doesn't matter whether she is close to your daughter or not, what does matter here is the future implications of her decision.

What "future implications"? The bride clearly sees the teenager as someone who she is polite to, but feels no affection for and does not consider as part of her family.

Anxioustealady · 18/04/2025 16:16

HunsandRoses · 18/04/2025 16:09

I think that is a bit of an assumption there.

I have step sisters on both sides of my family and they didn't come to my wedding and I didn't go to theirs. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

I would have been mortified though if my mum had gone in demanding I go! that would have been more traumatic at 14 to know I had to go somewhere I wasn't invited and not wanted.

So it's not all black and white. Everyone has a different viewpoint.

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I agree.

I think the people getting angry about this are stepmothers, and the people saying it's the brides choice were stepchildren.

I don't have contact with my step siblings outside of when we happen to be brought together. I don't expect them to invite me to anything, I really wouldn't care. Forcing it just breeds resentment.

tinyspiny · 18/04/2025 16:16

YANBU , I wouldn’t be going and I hope you have separate finances as I’d be pretty pissed if money that I’d earned / saved was being used to pay for a wedding that my child wasn’t invited to .

Auldy · 18/04/2025 16:16

SnoozingFox · 18/04/2025 16:13

I swear we have this thread at least once a week. People who have created these messy, blended arrangements with half siblings and step siblings and whatever and then get the hump when other people disagree with them on what "family" is.

Seems this woman getting married was an adult by the time the OP met her father, she has had zero relationship with the OP's teenager and as the OP says, the relationship is polite and cordial at best.

It is not the bride's "fault" that she does not consider this unrelated teenager as family. It is what it is and the OP - much as she wants to force everyone to play along with her happy families - does not get to force people to feel a certain way.

No one is saying that they have to "play happy families". People are rightly saying it is a dick move to accept someone's generosity then make their life harder by not inviting his step-daughter to the wedding when it will cost her absolutely nothing to do it. We are saying it sounds like she really doesn't like her dad very much, in which case she should have declined his offer of paying for the wedding.

Sassybooklover · 18/04/2025 16:16

Are you invited to the wedding OP? I ask, because if we go off the logic that bride doesn't view your daughter as 'her family', and therefore hasn't invited her to the wedding. Surely the same logic would apply to you???!!! The bride isn't blood related to you either, yet I assume you are invited??!! Any argument that your daughter isn't blood related, doesn't hold much weight. Has she only invited you, because you're married to her Dad, and it would be too awkward not to??!! Your husband is being a coward in not sticking up for your daughter. If she were my daughter I'd be bitterly disappointed, that she is being so very petty towards a 14 year old CHILD. The bride is an adult, and should know better. Honestly, I wouldn't be forcing an invitation, that horse has bolted. Any invitation agreed now, would be done so for all the wrong reasons. Is the bride's Mum's husband attending the wedding? Does your daughter know she's not invited? If so, is she bothered? I think you need to take your next steps from her. If she is upset by not being invited, then I think you should take her somewhere for the weekend, just the two of you. If she really isn't bothered, then see if she can go to her Dad's for the weekend, and you go to the wedding.

HunsandRoses · 18/04/2025 16:16

SnoozingFox · 18/04/2025 16:13

I swear we have this thread at least once a week. People who have created these messy, blended arrangements with half siblings and step siblings and whatever and then get the hump when other people disagree with them on what "family" is.

Seems this woman getting married was an adult by the time the OP met her father, she has had zero relationship with the OP's teenager and as the OP says, the relationship is polite and cordial at best.

It is not the bride's "fault" that she does not consider this unrelated teenager as family. It is what it is and the OP - much as she wants to force everyone to play along with her happy families - does not get to force people to feel a certain way.

I think this is an uncomfortable truth that many people don't want to acknowledge.

Horses7 · 18/04/2025 16:18

It’s mean behaviour and I would be very disappointed if my husband didn’t act to rectify the situation.

ThisIsMyYearToFindMyself · 18/04/2025 16:18

tinyspiny · 18/04/2025 16:16

YANBU , I wouldn’t be going and I hope you have separate finances as I’d be pretty pissed if money that I’d earned / saved was being used to pay for a wedding that my child wasn’t invited to .

Kind of thinking ahead, I’d be wondering about how the wills are split too.

Snoopdoggydog123 · 18/04/2025 16:18

Anxioustealady · 18/04/2025 16:16

I agree.

I think the people getting angry about this are stepmothers, and the people saying it's the brides choice were stepchildren.

I don't have contact with my step siblings outside of when we happen to be brought together. I don't expect them to invite me to anything, I really wouldn't care. Forcing it just breeds resentment.

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FFs what a ridiculous assumption.

Auldy · 18/04/2025 16:18

I agree that the horse has bolted and she can't really go to the wedding now regardless of what happens next.

Cornoffthecob · 18/04/2025 16:18

I would take this quite personal and wouldn't go either. You’ve onviously been with your husband 10yrs + so your daughter was very small when you got together so regardless of no blood relative she should be included in ALL family matters.

Maybe she thinks your husband loves your daughter more because he lives with her and is a bit jealous of their relationship.

Bellyblueboy · 18/04/2025 16:21

So your step daughter has know her step sister since your daughter was say five years old and she can’t invite her to the wedding along with her two younger sisters?

Is you husband not horrified that he raised that woman? How cruel!

tinygingermum · 18/04/2025 16:21

I usually think that it’s up to the bride and groom who they invite and people shouldn’t complain, but in this case I would either be insisting your daughter is invited or I would not go and not allow my other children to go.

Auldy · 18/04/2025 16:22

I actually think the "step" part of the equation doesn't matter and any adult that invites 4 out of 5 members of a household to a wedding is an absolute dick. If it was a friend, a work colleague, a cousin twice removed... I'd still have the same opinion. Leaving out one child is vile...regardless of the relationship.

Endofyear · 18/04/2025 16:23

Generally, I think it's up to the bride and groom who to invite but in the case of leaving out one child in the family, I think that's mean. It's possible that they're not having any children apart from the wedding party which I suppose makes a difference. But I wouldn't blame you for not going. Your DH is a bit of a wimp too.

HunsandRoses · 18/04/2025 16:24

Cornoffthecob · 18/04/2025 16:18

I would take this quite personal and wouldn't go either. You’ve onviously been with your husband 10yrs + so your daughter was very small when you got together so regardless of no blood relative she should be included in ALL family matters.

Maybe she thinks your husband loves your daughter more because he lives with her and is a bit jealous of their relationship.

I would agree that it is personal but I don't think it's jealousy of the 14 year old driving it.

I think the PP hit the nail on the head that the Bride doesn't want the OP there.

Judging by her dad's reaction in quickly arranging childcare for the youngest DDs, I don't think he's that bothered about having the OP there either. Which makes me think he knows exactly what the situation is and has done for some time.

EnidSpyton · 18/04/2025 16:24

SnoozingFox · 18/04/2025 16:13

I swear we have this thread at least once a week. People who have created these messy, blended arrangements with half siblings and step siblings and whatever and then get the hump when other people disagree with them on what "family" is.

Seems this woman getting married was an adult by the time the OP met her father, she has had zero relationship with the OP's teenager and as the OP says, the relationship is polite and cordial at best.

It is not the bride's "fault" that she does not consider this unrelated teenager as family. It is what it is and the OP - much as she wants to force everyone to play along with her happy families - does not get to force people to feel a certain way.

I completely agree.

The bride had already left the family home and was at university by the time you came on the scene. Your daughter must be at least a decade younger than the bride, if not more - so naturally they have absolutely nothing in common, haven't grown up together, and share nothing beyond the fact that one of their parents decided to marry one of the others'. They are not sisters, and they are not 'family' - unless they choose to see each other in that light. Your stepdaughter clearly doesn't see your daughter as a sister and has no bond with her, and that is perfectly understandable in the circumstances, given the age difference and the lack of a shared childhood. It is her wedding and if she doesn't want a stepsister with whom she has no relationship at that wedding, then that is her right.

Weddings are fucking boring for adults, let alone children. Why people make such a fuss about 'missing out' on a wedding or not being invited, I cannot fathom. I'd be delighted to not be invited to a wedding. Your daughter will only be upset about not going if you make a big deal out of it. You are making this about you when it isn't about you at all.

Ellie1015 · 18/04/2025 16:24

Auldy · 18/04/2025 16:22

I actually think the "step" part of the equation doesn't matter and any adult that invites 4 out of 5 members of a household to a wedding is an absolute dick. If it was a friend, a work colleague, a cousin twice removed... I'd still have the same opinion. Leaving out one child is vile...regardless of the relationship.

Completely agree. Could never invite 4 out of 5 people from one household.

Acc0untant · 18/04/2025 16:24

Just so I'm clear, she's invited her half siblings (from you and her dad) but not her step sister (yours only)?

I think you're conflating two issues. If you offer to pay for a wedding you don't do it with strings attached, you don't get to dictate who comes just because you're footing the bill.

I'm normally the first to say "their wedding, their choice" but in this case providing there's not been a huge falling out between step sister and the bride I can't fathom why anyone would invite an entire family and leave out your other daughter. Baffling.

Can't recall if you'd mentioned current ages, but how old are they both? Is it a case of both are adults now and just aren't friends/close?

ThejoyofNC · 18/04/2025 16:24

Auldy · 18/04/2025 16:22

I actually think the "step" part of the equation doesn't matter and any adult that invites 4 out of 5 members of a household to a wedding is an absolute dick. If it was a friend, a work colleague, a cousin twice removed... I'd still have the same opinion. Leaving out one child is vile...regardless of the relationship.

Made worse by the fact that the one left out is a bloody child. I think it's disgusting and I wouldn't allow my other 2 kids to go.

PixieTales · 18/04/2025 16:25

She sounds very spiteful and cruel to exclude just one child but invite the other two.

DH needs to grow a backbone and speak to her about it. Is he not appalled by his own daughter’s behaviour here?

moose17 · 18/04/2025 16:27

I guess just because you chose to blend families doesn’t mean she does. She obviously doesn’t see your daughter has family and that should tell you everything you need to know it’s not very nice of her but she’s a grown-up and can make her own choices.

chattychatchatty · 18/04/2025 16:27

I would be insisting that your DH makes it a condition of his continued involvement in the wedding that your 14 year old is included - no arguments. I’m really shocked he’s OK with her not being included and I would find that incredibly hurtful. Even if the bride and this girl are not related, the fact of her importance to you and (presumably) to your DH should be respected.

LBFseBrom · 18/04/2025 16:28

TeenToTwenties · 18/04/2025 15:05

It seems unnecessarily confrontational for her to be excluded.
What relationship / interactions do/did they have day to day / month to month?

I agree - unless she and the bride dislike each other.

Is your daughter upset?

I don't blame you for not going, neither would I.

crumblingschools · 18/04/2025 16:28

I feel for the bride as she has ended up with numerous siblings since her parents split. As she was an adult when OP came into her life, she probably doesn’t really feel any sibling relationship with the step sister. There is a big age gap and no blood link (unlike her half sisters).

The younger siblings do appear to be going more for the photos than anything else.

My DH’s father has married a few times, DH has never had any relationship with the step children. He was an adult and had moved out of home the first time FIL had a partner who had children from a previous relationship.

So can see why bride doesn’t really see OP’s daughter as family. However, due to 14yo’s age I would probably mention to the bride that it does seem mean to not invite her, as she is still a child. I think if she was older then lack of invite wouldn’t be an issue. My DH wouldn’t expect an invite for a wedding from current step mother’s children