14 year old not invited to stepsister’s wedding

[Ombreofmyself]

Stepdaughter is getting married. My husband is paying for everything but dress and flowers.

Our six year old and nine year old are in the wedding, but that’s another story. They are half sisters to the bride.

My 14 year old, step sister to the bride isn’t invited.

Made husband clarify with her. Stepdaughter confirmed so I am not going.

Husband is upset but seems completely incapable of thinking rationally and insisting on her coming but then says why can’t she go to her Dad’s. He should insist as he is paying.

The two older girls might not be blood relations but they share siblings. The little ones will be confused as to why their big sister isn't inviting their other big sister to the wedding.

I would be deeply disappointed in her if she was my daughter and I would be deeply disappointed in my husband if he didn't have a serious conversation about how inappropriate and unkind it is to extend an invitation to an entire family except one child. She is a grown woman and can make her decisions but he can make it clear that he thinks it's wrong. Things like this have the capacity to break blended families - but maybe that's the goal.

Point is - invited or not, ends up going or not, this one “little” decision has huge ramifications. Well beyond what she is probably expected.
She's expecting you to be fine with it, you aren’t.
Your DH is expecting it to just go away, it won’t.

what this has done is make you review your relationship with her, but importantly her father and the father of your other children.
If this isn’t resolved, someone is going to feel that resentment going forward. Question being is it the SD? who probably won’t notice if she’s there or not. Is it your DD? Will she feel lesser in the family? Who knows how this will impact her in the long term and her relationship with her stepfather and half siblings.
Is it you and your DH and by consequence the little DC? This will impact how you all feel about him from this point.
Stick up for your DD as I think you could lose so much more by not.

I wouldn’t go either in your position.

I think it will be hard to recover from, due to the signal it sends of 'you aren't family and I don't care enough to try to pretend'.

My DD2 was reluctant to attend the wedding of DD1 for various very complicated reasons. I strongly pushed her to attend because there would be no going back from 'you didn't support my wedding'.

I paid for my daughter’s wedding. I had no input into any of it, other than financially.

On the face of it, it does seem ungenerous to say the least OP. I’m assuming the bride’s mother will be there and sitting at the top table with your husband. However you try to work it, someone is going to be upset/angry/offended. The bride and her fiancé have made their decision about who they’re inviting.

Your husband may be upset, but it’s unrealistic to say that he should insist on her attendance because he’s the one paying for the wedding. He isn’t her father and his family are involved.

Your choice is to send your daughter to her father on the day and attend the wedding, or to take your daughter out for the day and avoid the wedding. Which will have least unpleasant fallout, do you think?

There may be step-siblings on her mum’s side though, plus step-sibs in her fiancé’s family - could well be a busload if they invite all the steps.

I don’t agree with the dad having a say because he’s paying. If you gift someone something, you do it out of love, not so you can start dictating things. ‘I’ll pay for your wedding as long as you invite….’, ‘I’ll buy you a house as long as it’s in this village…’, ‘I’ll babysit as long as you go to this restaurant…’.

Are the 2 younger ones in the bridal party and there for the photos?

This is really unkind. As your eldest with your DH is 9, he's been in your DDs life for a minimum of 10 years, since she was 4. The gap between having the half sib sisters in the wedding party and no invite for their own half sister is very telling and I would under these circumstances expect DH to make a stand.

I wouldn’t go to the wedding either, and I’d remember it in the future if I’m ever asked to babysit etc.

She is not family, what is the problem?

I met her when she was at university 18 or 19 a full 10 years after her parents split. Her mother was remarried and had two more children.

She has always been polite and pleasant. A silly conversation once but one that stuck in my head was she said something like ‘Dad a much better person now, age makes a difference but I think you have been a massive help.’

I did wonder and I genuinely mean wonder whether our daughters were going to be flower girls I did not ask but husband did.

They were going to be given dresses etc and were going to meet at church not get ready with the others. I get that the bride’s mum wouldn’t want me around but then we were told that husband would take them to hotel for hair and they would go in car with their cousin.

It never occurred to me to talk about my eldest.

DH said if I wasn’t there he would have to ask his 70 sister and her daughter in law to look after them as he will be on top table.

He just seems completely unable to be assertive.

I agree.

He should be allowed one guest as he’s paying - so why isn’t he pushing for it?

I’d withdraw the cash!

It’s just mean.

Oh for goodness sake is blood all that matters? She's is the step daughter Of the brides father! Of course she should have been invited. It's things like this that cause rifts that last a lifetime.

Sounds unnecessarily spiteful. I take it your DH had a daughter from a previous marriage (the one getting married) and you also had a daughter from an earlier marriage (the 14 year old) and the 6 and 9 year old are yours and your DHs biological children? That indicates stepsister sees them (her Dads daughters) as her half sisters but not your daughter. Blended family or not it sounds like she or your DH is trying to make a point that your DD will never be seen as part of the family. Harsh and I do not blame you for not going to the stepdaughters wedding or getting involved in birthday or christmas presents for her going forward. Take your DD somewhere nice and let your DH supervise the 6 and 9 year old on the day and good luck to him with that.

No idea if other kids are going to be invited

I think that’s standard to be honest.

How old is the bride? Was the OP the OW? Could it be childhood trauma - df leaves for OW with a 'new daughter'? Princess Diana did not invite Lady Legge to her wedding for exactly the same reason.

Do you and her have a decent relationship? She could invite because she is your family and siblings family.

I wouldn't be going and if childcare for the little ones is an issue while dad at top table then they dont go either.

I think you should speak to her or let her know you arent going so she can fix it if she wants. If she does i would go with all kids and move on for sake of dh but my opinion of so would have changed.

Yes, that’s why I would be pushing back about the wedding. But you cannot make them see each other as family, especially the older one.

What is it about weddings that seem to make people brides think it's perfectly ok to behave like an utter cunt?
Your husband sounds absolutely pathetic if I'm honest and that would make me find him very unattractive.

Would it really have hurt for her to have one more guest? It doesn't matter whether she is close to your daughter or not, what does matter here is the future implications of her decision. She is causing ill feeling and resentment and for what? It's an incredibly spiteful and hurtful thing to do.

Could you speak to her, if your husband is unwilling and put her on the spot and ask her why?

How hurtful for your poor daughter too, to be the only member excluded. Like you, I would not go where my daughter is not welcome.

Okay, so she was an adult. I’m really not surprised then that she’s not close to your daughter, and she doesn’t have to be. The wedding is a different issue, and you should all have been invited.

OP met her DH 10 years after he split with his first wife, the bride's mother.