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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My first wedding AIBU!

294 replies

narcASD · 18/04/2025 09:23

I know the rules, it’s an invite not a summons etc etc but….
my sister’s son is getting married next year and he and his fiancé have said no kids.
my kids will be 13 & 10 when they get married and are lovely, well behaved girls.

I am very close to my sister and her children, her girls were bridesmaids and her son a page boy at my wedding, I’ve got a good relationship with my nephew.

It is not about finances, my sisters son is a very high earner as is his fiancé so it’s not because they are on a budget, I’ve also offered to pay for my girls if money was an obstacle.

I had a no kid rule apart from immediate family at my wedding, so I do get it, I’m just really hurt that my girls and my niece who will be 14 are not invited. They are kids but not ones to be running around screaming and crying (which is the reason my nephew wants no kids, but more so his wife to be).

my brother is also really upset and said he will not go if his daughter is not invited. AIBU not go myself and upset my sister?

OP posts:
stclementine · 18/04/2025 11:55

LadyNairne · 18/04/2025 10:49

Excluding teenagers from weddings is very sad. These are important and rare multi-generational learning, relationship building and role modelling occasions. A chance to learn about an important tradition from their own culture. An occasion for them to understand what it is to celebrate someone else based on love and friendship or blood relations.

There aren’t many other ritualistic / traditional events which offer this.

Especially for boys but girls too.

No wonder young people are struggling with navigating and expectations of life, relationships, adult behaviour.

If they’re all banished and blocked from formal community and large group mixed generation social occasions (which we are having fewer of, due to CoL) how can they learn? American movies I guess.

Edited

A couple getting married is not a teaching moment for your child’s social development. How incredibly selfish and entitled that would be.

Riaanna · 18/04/2025 11:56

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2025 11:46

I'm glad you have accepted the consensus. I do agree that you just have to accept that other people marry in a way that suits them and you go or you don't.

Full disclosure however, when my brother didn't invite my child to his wedding, I was thoroughly unimpressed and it caused all sorts of issues. They relented and let her come in the end but it was a horrible situation. There are situations where it seems unwarranted but your nephew and fiancée are doing it in a fair way with consistency.

It didn’t cause issues. You clearly caused an issue because entitled.

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2025 11:58

Riaanna · 18/04/2025 11:56

It didn’t cause issues. You clearly caused an issue because entitled.

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And how, precisely, do you know that?

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 18/04/2025 11:59

AthWat · 18/04/2025 11:32

I see you can't actually deal with the points raised so have taken refuge in "being horrified at the language".

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Oh I can debate the points raised, I quite happy to do so if there is an apology and the points are raised in a respectful manner.

I would say bringing kids to the widest range of situations teaches them at a young age how to interact in an appropriate manner.

Riaanna · 18/04/2025 12:01

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2025 11:58

And how, precisely, do you know that?

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Because they didn’t invite your child and then she attended.

beetr00 · 18/04/2025 12:01

narcASD · 18/04/2025 11:23

Ok IABU, I can feel sad though!

the offering to pay was a private conversation with my sister, my nephew will be having another wedding for brides side of family (plus his parents and siblings) halfway across the world, where his bride is originally from, hence why I thought mover could be a potential issue, I wasn’t trying to bribe am invite!

absolutely, feel sad @narcASD, for a millisecond.

This is how your beloved nephew wants to celebrate his marriage.

and just how much do you love your sister?

Riaanna · 18/04/2025 12:02

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 18/04/2025 11:59

Oh I can debate the points raised, I quite happy to do so if there is an apology and the points are raised in a respectful manner.

I would say bringing kids to the widest range of situations teaches them at a young age how to interact in an appropriate manner.

Edited
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As someone else has said a wedding isn’t a social skills lesson.

Startrekkeruniverse · 18/04/2025 12:03

Lanzarotelady · 18/04/2025 09:34

For goodness sake, cut the dramatics! No wonder children think the world revolves around them

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exactly

AthWat · 18/04/2025 12:03

MyHeartyCoralSnail · 18/04/2025 11:59

Oh I can debate the points raised, I quite happy to do so if there is an apology and the points are raised in a respectful manner.

I would say bringing kids to the widest range of situations teaches them at a young age how to interact in an appropriate manner.

Edited
Show quote history

What exactly am I supposed to be apologising to you for? I mean, I am not going to, but I'd be interested to know why it is you think you deserve one.

WaltzingWaters · 18/04/2025 12:03

BestIntentioned · 18/04/2025 09:27

I just cannot understand the idea of not having children at a wedding. The whole thing is about celebrating family and being together. It’s bloody bonkers imo. Only in the UK. Can you imagine a wedding in Italy, or just about anywhere else, with no children present? What absolute miseries we are.

I’ve been to three weddings in Greece (of Greek natives, not Brits having a destination wedding) that have been 100% child-free.

I understand it’s a shame, they could have at least allowed immediate family older children to stay until like 9pm or something. But it gets hard to draw a line of some children can come and some can’t. Get a babysitter and have a great time celebrating.

AthWat · 18/04/2025 12:04

Riaanna · 18/04/2025 12:02

As someone else has said a wedding isn’t a social skills lesson.

Show quote history

You're missing the fact that a lot of these people apparently never leave the house unless invited to the wedding of a close family member, who feels obliged to do so. Can't think why that is.

MrsDrDear · 18/04/2025 12:07

I agree with child free weddings to a point. But my DD and her cousins are in the same age group and very close, they wouldn't dream of leaving each other out.

It's different for your nephew because of the age gap. But if you are still close I would be gutted he didn't invite his cousins.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 18/04/2025 12:08

They ANBU.Its a party.Its totally normal to have adult only parties this is no different imo.

Cakeandusername · 18/04/2025 12:13

Presumably they have a vision perhaps an adult cocktail party type vibe, small venue etc. You had what you wanted at your wedding (no children only immediate) it’s their choice.
I’d suggest a get together for all of u inc kids. It’s not worth falling out over.

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 12:14

ShowOfHands · 18/04/2025 11:46

I'm glad you have accepted the consensus. I do agree that you just have to accept that other people marry in a way that suits them and you go or you don't.

Full disclosure however, when my brother didn't invite my child to his wedding, I was thoroughly unimpressed and it caused all sorts of issues. They relented and let her come in the end but it was a horrible situation. There are situations where it seems unwarranted but your nephew and fiancée are doing it in a fair way with consistency.

They didn’t cause issues. A self-absorbed, narrow minded and presumptuous parent caused issues.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/04/2025 12:17

It only has to cause issues if the bride and groom don't want to take no for an answer when people decline and make all sorts of assumptions about babysitters. If everyone is mature about it then there shouldn't be any drama.

Scentedjasmin · 18/04/2025 12:18

Just go. It's their wedding and their choice. Let them have the day that they want. Ignore whether your niece is also excluded. You're getting too involved in other family members reactions. I don't doubt that your kids are great, but where do they draw the lines.
Personally I think that no children weddings are joyless contrived affairs and inconsiderate of family dynamics, but I wouldn't refuse to go.

ASpecialistone · 18/04/2025 12:34

They aren’t immediate family.

We had a no kids wedding and we had a good chat before it about the fact that people might not become because of it. We also came to the conclusion that there wasn’t a single person with kids who we’d rather have there with kids than without so we accepted this. I’m sure your nephew has had the same discussion with his wife.

GabriellaMontez · 18/04/2025 12:39

ConnieSlow · 18/04/2025 09:26

I agree op. There’s kids and then there are cousins who are immediate family and I would find this not acceptable. I don’t blame your brother for not wanting to go.

Totally agree.

These teens will soon be adult members of the family. They're people...

Id understand if you had many toddlers in the family. That's quite different.

I don't think it's petty to not go if you don't want to. It's not my kind of thing. Very contrived.

OhWhistle · 18/04/2025 12:41

BestIntentioned · 18/04/2025 09:27

I just cannot understand the idea of not having children at a wedding. The whole thing is about celebrating family and being together. It’s bloody bonkers imo. Only in the UK. Can you imagine a wedding in Italy, or just about anywhere else, with no children present? What absolute miseries we are.

Agree

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 12:42

ASpecialistone · 18/04/2025 12:34

They aren’t immediate family.

We had a no kids wedding and we had a good chat before it about the fact that people might not become because of it. We also came to the conclusion that there wasn’t a single person with kids who we’d rather have there with kids than without so we accepted this. I’m sure your nephew has had the same discussion with his wife.

Bingo.

They have factored in the stroppers and don’t care.

OhWhistle · 18/04/2025 12:46

PrincessHoneysuckle · 18/04/2025 12:08

They ANBU.Its a party.Its totally normal to have adult only parties this is no different imo.

I suppose a wedding could be thought of as a party rather than a joining and mingling of clan and tribe and a looking forward to new shared life

If people prefer to be siloed and individualistic I hope they don't start saying "it takes a village" and looking round for free help with babysitting and homework and first jobs later

Give and take requires celebration and work

Humpsr · 18/04/2025 12:47

crumblingschools · 18/04/2025 11:03

@Humpsr what’s your definition of immediate family. OP had child free wedding apart from nephews and nieces, but the children involved here are cousins. Where do you draw the line on the family tree?

I suppose first cousins is my definition of close family.
Of course if there are 20-30 on each side that could be unreasonable.
On my husbands side the 4 siblings have 11 children between them and 3 of those would have been the grooms siblings. So 7 cousins 5 were between 8-16.

I appreciate it can be difficult to juggle.
In our case the annoyance was the original invite and save the date for the full year before and then the actual invite only including our eldest child.

TonictheHedgehog · 18/04/2025 12:49

Humpsr · 18/04/2025 10:59

There is a huge difference IMO between the children of immediate family and the children of guests being included.

But it may well be the case that a bride and groom are closer to their friends’ kids than they are to cousins. My DH has a huge family of cousins yet never sees them, whereas he sees the children of his close friends far more often

RunningJo · 18/04/2025 12:55

You can be sad or upset, but that's all. You sister shouldn't be speaking to your nephew. It makes for an awkward situation, you are likely to come across as entitled, and if they agree, then what, you take your children to a wedding where they actually weren't invited. Awkward all round.

As lots of PP have said, their wedding, their choices. Think back to how you organised your wedding, what you wanted from food, to location to dress. Your ideas and your dreams. Now imagine someone telling you that you had to change exactly what you (and your husband to be) had planned and wanted for your day. To compromise something that you had decided on because a guest wasn't happy. And let's face it, if they invite your children, there will be others they have to invite, then suddenly the wedding they want actually isn't, and has changed a lot.
Everyone should get to plan the wedding they want, it won't please everyone but a blanket ban on children isn't personal.

I think you should go, enjoy the day and celebrations. If you don't I think you will regret making such a statement tbh.