My first wedding AIBU!

[narcASD]

I know the rules, it’s an invite not a summons etc etc but….
my sister’s son is getting married next year and he and his fiancé have said no kids.
my kids will be 13 & 10 when they get married and are lovely, well behaved girls.

I am very close to my sister and her children, her girls were bridesmaids and her son a page boy at my wedding, I’ve got a good relationship with my nephew.

It is not about finances, my sisters son is a very high earner as is his fiancé so it’s not because they are on a budget, I’ve also offered to pay for my girls if money was an obstacle.

I had a no kid rule apart from immediate family at my wedding, so I do get it, I’m just really hurt that my girls and my niece who will be 14 are not invited. They are kids but not ones to be running around screaming and crying (which is the reason my nephew wants no kids, but more so his wife to be).

my brother is also really upset and said he will not go if his daughter is not invited. AIBU not go myself and upset my sister?

"The point of a wedding is the meeting of two families and groups of friends."

I thought it was about two people getting married.

I hate to be blunt @narcASD but cousins are necessarily immediate family. I had a small wedding with no cousins because I wanted under 20 people and having cousins would have bumped it up massively.

and there is the difference you invited nieces and nephews who are immediate family. He isn’t inviting cousins which is a whole different ball game!

I agree.

The nonsense that you can't get a sitter or make arrangements for the care of a teenager is ridiculous. When you made arrangments for your own wedding did anyone (bar immediate family) with teenage children not attend because of childcare - and you throught this was reasonable?

Your DN set up seems similar to mine and my DH. My DH has 4 first cousins - I have 58 ... yes FIFTY EIGHT. No cousins were invited except one who is one of my closest friends.

I think if you push the over 10s thing and your girls are invited but your DBs 3 under 10 years DC are not invited you will have caused even more damage to your family.

I am always taken aback by the hubris and grandiosity of people who question the clearly thought through decisons about how someone else chooses to spend their own money and select a vibe for the most important day of their life and expect it to pivot to their ideas and values. Grim.

The point of a wedding is the meeting of two families and groups of friends.

The point of a wedding is that the bride and groom exchange vows and become a married couple.

Weddings are for adults, not children. It's not a back garden bbq, it's a formal and sometimes solemn occasion. Many are in formal dining settings, or Adults Only venues, risque speeches etc. I have never understood having kids at weddings; they are bored shitless don't understand what's going on, having to sit still at a table for hours etc. It's torture for them. It's just selfish. Most kids would rather be at home watching a movie or having a sleepover. No kid actually enjoys being dragged to a wedding. I think adults forget what it was like to be a child.

Exactly.

If the kids are upset it’s because the parents have instilled that mindset in them.

I can’t understand people who want to exclude kids from a family occasion. There are now so few occasions for kids to socialise with adults. People don’t have parties at home as much as they used to. Then we wonder why many kids struggle to socialise.

But, if you had any invite to anything for just you, or you and your DP, wouldn’t you go? I’d go to the wedding. It’s up to them who they invite.

But it’s a shame when people take this approach to a wedding, unless it’s due to costs/size of venue. Lacks generosity of spirit and the joy of seeing kids having fun. They used to be a kid once and may have kids one day. Personally, I think it’s wonderful to see kids enjoying themselves at parties. It adds rather than takes away.

and there is the difference you invited nieces and nephews who are immediate family. He isn’t inviting cousins which is a whole different ball game!

Exactly but the OP and her DB can see further than the end of their enititled and delusional noses!

I think YWBU to not go because of this yes. I do agree with you about child free weddings, I don’t like them, they make things difficult for parents and children 10+ aren’t going to cause a nuisance.
However it is the bride and grooms day and it’s their decision. This isn’t meant as a personal slight to you so don’t take it that way.
I would only consider not going if it means travelling quite far and staying over and you genuinely don’t have anyone to watch your DDs

I suspect the no children rule comes from the fact that weddings are largely quite boring for children. They tend to get irritable, and it is generally quite a grown up thing for them to sit through.

This what a lot of posters forget. Adults here are thinking with the mind of an adult, not stopping to think how it is for children. No child really wants to go to a wedding, lets be honest. It's no fun for them. A lot of posters forget what it was like when they were a child, they can no longer relate to children. Parents/adults can be so very selfish at times. You need to think about about what the child wants and how they'll cope.

Actually it’s a joining together of families - if you go to a traditional wedding the friends and family there are asked to support the couple - historically weddings were arranged for the benefit of the wider families. It is only in our modern individualistic minds that we’ve narrowed down the people who the wedding is about.

Perhaps the 10-13 year olds in our family are more intelligent and resourceful. It’s not an issue. Especially now in the days of mobile phones.

Ah I didn't spot that, in that case, you reap what you sow.

This is your nephew and his fiancee; they are not you and your husband and they have different wishes for their wedding. It isn't up to your sister to put pressure on them to do things differently. If you decline the invitation it can surely only make family relationships more difficult in future, not easier.

Actually, it’s incredibly important to bring kids to important rituals. They need to learn how to take part in important social rituals. So what if they would rather be at home watching tv. They would probably rather be at home watching tv that being in a maths lesson. Are you going to allow that. These kinds of attitudes, of excluding kids for social occasions lead to kids not understanding how to participate in society.

What hogwash.

My family and my SO’s family do not have any reason to interact and aren’t even on the same continent. Were we to marry they would no more be “joined” than the people on the next seat in the tube.

It’s 2025, not 1825. A mobile and global society, not an isolated inbred village.

What a load of absolutely drivel 😂
no one plans a wedding with it being a learning and teaching experience for teenage boys. 😂😂😂😂

It’s probably due to numbers. Why should they invite some young cousins who would be bored shitless at a wedding over genuine friends who want to be there?
I only went to a cousins wedding as a child (first one 9 years old and second one 13). I had no independent relationship with either it was just family tradition. I haven’t even seen them in 25 years and have no interest in their kids, grandkids or whatever. I was forced to invite them ans their kids to my wedding and have this random cousin as my bridesmaid - haven’t seen her since. But my mother imposed her will on my wedding and I had no choice as I was very young.
So don’t be a drama Queen and let this couple celebrate their day how they want without wider family trying to manipulate. You will lose these relationships if you don’t.

You had no kids and are now complaining when someone else does the same but this time it impacts you?

You had your day. Now it’s time for theirs. To boycott a family wedding because your precious DC aren’t invited is bonkers.

How far is the wedding? Can’t you leave the girls at home for the day and skip the evening bit so you can get home? I would leave my 10 & 14 year olds for the day if it was for an important reason- just not overnight yet.
Also do you have a partner? Can’t they stay at home with your DDs and you go alone? If your brother did the same you would be able to keep eachother company

Yep my cousins are significantly younger than me (23 and 26 years younger) and I have no expectation that any wedding invite will extend beyond my parents.

DH has many cousins and has had varied invites to their weddings from full wedding to evening do to none at all (which as I said we did for ours).

Some people go all in on family weddings. Others prefer to have friends. The Bride/Groom in this case neither want cousins nor children which is a completely fair choice

So the kids in the question are the grooms cousins? Let's forget that they are kids for a second. Have they invited an extended family? I know quite a few instances where they have drawn the line at inviting cousins. Also you invited your sisters children. They are not inviting their aunts children. Very different family relationship. You can't compare that.

If you want to go, can your child's father looks after them? Or if the wedding is local can you leave them home and just go home before they go to bed or make a deal with your brother where you tag ream? Or just don't go. I'm sure they are well aware that people with kids won't attend or they will leave early so they know this will happen.

YABU. You didn't have kids at your wedding, but now you have some, you expect them to be invited. You have to accept their decision.

I had a child free wedding due to space and cost. I also couldn't attend a couple of childfree family weddings when I had DD, as I couldn't get anyone to look after her. I didn't moan about it, I accepted it as being their choice, the same as mine was.

You just tell your DC that nephew is not inviting any kids to the wedding, so that they know it is nothing personal. They might be sad, but it's all part of life.

@MyHeartyCoralSnail

"it’s incredibly important to bring kids to important rituals"

For whom? definitely not the children.

All of those who did not attend weddings as youngsters, are diminished, somehow?

Ok IABU, I can feel sad though!

the offering to pay was a private conversation with my sister, my nephew will be having another wedding for brides side of family (plus his parents and siblings) halfway across the world, where his bride is originally from, hence why I thought mover could be a potential issue, I wasn’t trying to bribe am invite!