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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My first wedding AIBU!

294 replies

narcASD · 18/04/2025 09:23

I know the rules, it’s an invite not a summons etc etc but….
my sister’s son is getting married next year and he and his fiancé have said no kids.
my kids will be 13 & 10 when they get married and are lovely, well behaved girls.

I am very close to my sister and her children, her girls were bridesmaids and her son a page boy at my wedding, I’ve got a good relationship with my nephew.

It is not about finances, my sisters son is a very high earner as is his fiancé so it’s not because they are on a budget, I’ve also offered to pay for my girls if money was an obstacle.

I had a no kid rule apart from immediate family at my wedding, so I do get it, I’m just really hurt that my girls and my niece who will be 14 are not invited. They are kids but not ones to be running around screaming and crying (which is the reason my nephew wants no kids, but more so his wife to be).

my brother is also really upset and said he will not go if his daughter is not invited. AIBU not go myself and upset my sister?

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 19/04/2025 22:09

Hi just say to your sister you can’t leave daughter then if she asks her son again and he says no just leave it at that. You only have 2 choices go or don’t. Some people don’t want kids there as they get bored and some parents want to have fun without kids.

GiroJim100 · 19/04/2025 22:13

BestIntentioned · 18/04/2025 09:29

I can imagine saying to my child “I’m sorry but your beloved cousin, who you like and thought you got in with, doesn’t want you at his fun party. Arguably the most important day of his life. Yes that’s right. You’re not invited. Even if I pay for you.”

I’d have thought the kids would be happy they don’t have to bother going. I know I’d have been delighted to avoid it at that age.

GiveDogBone · 19/04/2025 22:22

Why on earth would you think that paying for the kids would make a difference?? Almost all wedding venues have a cap on numbers, if your two kids go they have to disinvite somebody else.

in fact the most common reason amongst my friends for no kids at weddings was not their behaviour but that 4 spots would be taken up by one family.

neighboursmustliveon · 19/04/2025 22:41

Do you were allowed to have a child free (except immediate family, which cousins are not) but your nephew isn’t allowed to make the same choice? So hypocritical.

Your daughters might know how to behave but thet, certainly the you get one, is still very you b and would get board at a wedding.

Its completely the bride and grooms choice who they invite. You can be disappointed but in this instance I can completely understand why they have not invited them. Guest numbers can spiral when you include children.

Kidznurse · 19/04/2025 22:43

I don’t and never had understood this no kids at weddings thing. Both myself and DH loved kids at our weddings no matter how much they ran up and down the aisle and clung to my dress as I said my vows. They are a part of the day and enrich it. Anyone who says otherwise is a pretentious bore in my opinion.

Calliopespa · 19/04/2025 22:47

Organise for the girls to go to sleepovers instead op. They will probably enjoy it far more in reality!

I do get the feeling of them being excluded isn’t nice, but it’s hard to do anything about it other than cause a massive stink and make it awkward to take them anyway. At those ages I’d have much preferred to go to stay with a friend with a swag bag of midnight feast treats.

NachoChip · 19/04/2025 23:15

There's a bizarre thing about weddings that everyone says "it's your wedding, you've got to have it your way" but that lovely sentiment is quickly forgotten when the choices don't go their way. When did weddings become about prioritising what the guests want?

A lot of people seem to have lost sight of what weddings are about - it's about two people pledging their lives to each other, and they're having a celebration. It's an honour to be invited...to then demand that the invite list fits your requirements simply isn't right. It's so sad to see - as I've experienced myself - that people's support for such an important life event becomes conditional upon whether the party fits their expectations.

NachoChip · 19/04/2025 23:21

BestIntentioned · 18/04/2025 09:29

I can imagine saying to my child “I’m sorry but your beloved cousin, who you like and thought you got in with, doesn’t want you at his fun party. Arguably the most important day of his life. Yes that’s right. You’re not invited. Even if I pay for you.”

How cruel to weaponise and upset your child to make a point.

99problems99 · 20/04/2025 11:09

narcASD · 18/04/2025 09:23

I know the rules, it’s an invite not a summons etc etc but….
my sister’s son is getting married next year and he and his fiancé have said no kids.
my kids will be 13 & 10 when they get married and are lovely, well behaved girls.

I am very close to my sister and her children, her girls were bridesmaids and her son a page boy at my wedding, I’ve got a good relationship with my nephew.

It is not about finances, my sisters son is a very high earner as is his fiancé so it’s not because they are on a budget, I’ve also offered to pay for my girls if money was an obstacle.

I had a no kid rule apart from immediate family at my wedding, so I do get it, I’m just really hurt that my girls and my niece who will be 14 are not invited. They are kids but not ones to be running around screaming and crying (which is the reason my nephew wants no kids, but more so his wife to be).

my brother is also really upset and said he will not go if his daughter is not invited. AIBU not go myself and upset my sister?

Your sisters son.., your nephew?

ShowOfHands · 20/04/2025 14:31

Riaanna · 18/04/2025 17:33

No one needs to be there.

Bride and groom choose. If there is any shift on what they want then someone entitled stuck their oar in. You have no right to demand anything.

Show quote history

Well I didn't demand a single thing. I simply pointed out that as a breastfeeding mother to an exclusively breastfed baby in arms, I would only be able to nip in to the ceremony and then out again as the baby needed. I was perfectly kind and polite and all kicking off was from SIL who was aghast that I wouldn't give formula for the day and leave my brand new baby with somebody (no idea who, everybody was at the wedding).

Can I also point out that the wedding wasn't child free. The bride and groom had their own DC, including their breastfed babe in arms, multiple nieces and nephews and children of friends. Not a single restriction on any other child.

My DD wasn't invited because they wanted their baby to be the only tiny baby there with no focus pulled elsewhere.

In the end, sil relented because my brother wanted me there for the whole thing and it was the only way. I. Never. Even. Asked.

So carry on with the story that I'm an entitled besom who demanded to take my baby to a child free wedding. But that's not what happened at all.

My brother and sil divorced 14yrs ago btw and she was the most toxic and damaged woman I've ever met. Still is.

Giddykiddy · 21/04/2025 11:25

You and your brother really need to wise up - totally normal not to have cousins at weddings - I wasn't at a single cousin's wedding and my DD who is getting married this year isn't having cousins
Your children are the centre of your universe - this doesn't apply to their cousin who is 10 years older or his bride

snoopyfanaccountant · 21/04/2025 15:59

NachoChip · 19/04/2025 23:15

There's a bizarre thing about weddings that everyone says "it's your wedding, you've got to have it your way" but that lovely sentiment is quickly forgotten when the choices don't go their way. When did weddings become about prioritising what the guests want?

A lot of people seem to have lost sight of what weddings are about - it's about two people pledging their lives to each other, and they're having a celebration. It's an honour to be invited...to then demand that the invite list fits your requirements simply isn't right. It's so sad to see - as I've experienced myself - that people's support for such an important life event becomes conditional upon whether the party fits their expectations.

I totally agree. Weddings aren't about the guests' desires.
DD has just got engaged and is planning on getting married next summer. I have already had to reign in DH several times over his expectations of the guest list. Yesterday he said that it would be important to MIL that her brother is invited. I had to remind him again that this wedding isn't about MIL and that inviting him and his wife would mean another 10 great aunts and uncles having to be invited.

Riaanna · 21/04/2025 16:53

Kidznurse · 19/04/2025 22:43

I don’t and never had understood this no kids at weddings thing. Both myself and DH loved kids at our weddings no matter how much they ran up and down the aisle and clung to my dress as I said my vows. They are a part of the day and enrich it. Anyone who says otherwise is a pretentious bore in my opinion.

Some of us want our guests to enjoy themselves and not be unpaid babysitters.

Riaanna · 21/04/2025 16:54

ShowOfHands · 20/04/2025 14:31

Well I didn't demand a single thing. I simply pointed out that as a breastfeeding mother to an exclusively breastfed baby in arms, I would only be able to nip in to the ceremony and then out again as the baby needed. I was perfectly kind and polite and all kicking off was from SIL who was aghast that I wouldn't give formula for the day and leave my brand new baby with somebody (no idea who, everybody was at the wedding).

Can I also point out that the wedding wasn't child free. The bride and groom had their own DC, including their breastfed babe in arms, multiple nieces and nephews and children of friends. Not a single restriction on any other child.

My DD wasn't invited because they wanted their baby to be the only tiny baby there with no focus pulled elsewhere.

In the end, sil relented because my brother wanted me there for the whole thing and it was the only way. I. Never. Even. Asked.

So carry on with the story that I'm an entitled besom who demanded to take my baby to a child free wedding. But that's not what happened at all.

My brother and sil divorced 14yrs ago btw and she was the most toxic and damaged woman I've ever met. Still is.

Show quote history

Well done for trying to prove me wrong but all you have done is shared some random story that has nothing to do with the OP.

ShowOfHands · 21/04/2025 17:11

Riaanna · 21/04/2025 16:54

Well done for trying to prove me wrong but all you have done is shared some random story that has nothing to do with the OP.

Show quote history

Hence why I didn't share it originally. I made my point in my first post ie that there are ways of excluding children from weddings that are not right, fair or reasonable and I've been in the situation where I had a legitimate grievance. However, the op's situation appeared a reasonable one so my advice was that it was better to accept it.

I only gave more detail when you insisted on name calling.

brunettenorthern91 · 21/04/2025 17:59

Firstly, I think you personally should go if you truly want to. Have your own mind and don’t just go along with your brother who is taking a stand…

Secondly, if you had him and young children at your own wedding, then that’s what YOU wanted and I’m happy for you. If he wants no under 16s (or even under 18s) at his wedding, then that’s his choice. It may be cost related despite them having good jobs, even “rich people” have budgets and weddings aren’t an endless cost. If her parents have contributed, there will perhaps be a limit. Even if they themselves have good jobs - I have a very good job as legal counsel at a tech company - should I start my married life in debt or spending money I didn’t want to on a wedding to keep family happy? What advice would you give your daughters a decade from now? If they want to start a family soon, they might not want to throw a few thousand extra at their wedding. It could also be a numbers game - if they jointly have large families and friend groups but the venue holds X OR they don’t want a huge wedding, that’s ok and a very valid reason. Some venues I know hold 50-70 and are dream venues. You have to be selective as a result and they may have chosen location/vibe (small and intimate) over a larger, family wedding, which is their choice.

Lastly, if your nephew had invited your brothers daughter and not yours or vice versa, then I could see the issue but it appears he’s at least been consistent. Please see my second point for all the top reasons this could be for, which aren’t personal or offensive, but “because” is also enough of a reason. Family aren’t all entitled to come to your wedding….it doesn’t mean you hate them there just has to be a line somewhere. Perhaps if they invite his cousins or under 16s, they have to invite all of hers and there are a lot of them?

An example of my own - my brother and sister are both married and both have been for 5+ years now, even longer together (for context, now in 30s both met partners aged 20ish). My aunt remarried over a decade ago to a man with 3 children (I have 3 cousins from my aunt already) and all of these “step cousins” (+2 partners) were invited to my siblings weddings years ago. Last year, I got married…. NONE of the step cousins or their now 3 partners got invited. We are all now in our 30s, don’t socialise, we aren’t enemies but we’re certainly not friends. In my eyes, we met as 16+ year olds, so we didn’t “grow up together”. My mum questioned how my aunt would feel when I first told her about it, but I said it really wasn’t about her or even an offensive decision. His kids are nice enough people, but we had a 67 person wedding including kids and I was NOT having a big wedding to accommodate people’s feelings when I had other friends I’d invite. (Never-mind the additional £1000 cost!)

luckylavender · 21/04/2025 18:01

narcASD · 18/04/2025 09:23

I know the rules, it’s an invite not a summons etc etc but….
my sister’s son is getting married next year and he and his fiancé have said no kids.
my kids will be 13 & 10 when they get married and are lovely, well behaved girls.

I am very close to my sister and her children, her girls were bridesmaids and her son a page boy at my wedding, I’ve got a good relationship with my nephew.

It is not about finances, my sisters son is a very high earner as is his fiancé so it’s not because they are on a budget, I’ve also offered to pay for my girls if money was an obstacle.

I had a no kid rule apart from immediate family at my wedding, so I do get it, I’m just really hurt that my girls and my niece who will be 14 are not invited. They are kids but not ones to be running around screaming and crying (which is the reason my nephew wants no kids, but more so his wife to be).

my brother is also really upset and said he will not go if his daughter is not invited. AIBU not go myself and upset my sister?

Oh come on, it's their choice. Don't be that person.

luckylavender · 21/04/2025 18:02

BestIntentioned · 18/04/2025 09:27

I just cannot understand the idea of not having children at a wedding. The whole thing is about celebrating family and being together. It’s bloody bonkers imo. Only in the UK. Can you imagine a wedding in Italy, or just about anywhere else, with no children present? What absolute miseries we are.

It's not about celebrating family. It's about the couple.

Riaanna · 24/04/2025 20:05

ShowOfHands · 21/04/2025 17:11

Hence why I didn't share it originally. I made my point in my first post ie that there are ways of excluding children from weddings that are not right, fair or reasonable and I've been in the situation where I had a legitimate grievance. However, the op's situation appeared a reasonable one so my advice was that it was better to accept it.

I only gave more detail when you insisted on name calling.

Show quote history

How is the OPS position similar to yours or reasonable?

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