My first wedding AIBU!

[narcASD]

I know the rules, it’s an invite not a summons etc etc but….
my sister’s son is getting married next year and he and his fiancé have said no kids.
my kids will be 13 & 10 when they get married and are lovely, well behaved girls.

I am very close to my sister and her children, her girls were bridesmaids and her son a page boy at my wedding, I’ve got a good relationship with my nephew.

It is not about finances, my sisters son is a very high earner as is his fiancé so it’s not because they are on a budget, I’ve also offered to pay for my girls if money was an obstacle.

I had a no kid rule apart from immediate family at my wedding, so I do get it, I’m just really hurt that my girls and my niece who will be 14 are not invited. They are kids but not ones to be running around screaming and crying (which is the reason my nephew wants no kids, but more so his wife to be).

my brother is also really upset and said he will not go if his daughter is not invited. AIBU not go myself and upset my sister?

Museums are for kids. What was a bunch of aged farts doing in a kids place?
The same goes for parks. Full of miserable old sods.
Can't believe the number of adults in kids places. Go out afterr 8pm to places for grown ups.

Yeah. Give people the option to leave at 9 or 10pm then. No need for a 12 hour torture. And, if it is, at least make it a family event.
Nobody who has the option to leave the kid would probably want to bring them.
Abd what do family kids have to do with friends kids, completely different.

One of the most important parts of education is the absorption of a child’s culture and tradition including legal procedures, music, history and gravity behind the marriage ceremony. It includes respect for cultures and religions other than our own too.

So I really think we are missing a trick as a society if we don’t include older children at something as very important as a wedding where two families come together to witness and celebrate and share in the happiness of the occasion. So many traditions to learn and admire which are all part of our culture…the sort of learning that children or young teens can do alongside their parents for a change instead of at school. Parents role model the social niceties and explain the words …and rituals if there are any. They also have a chance to see wider family all together and understand the family relationships. How else are they supposed to learn and appreciate and respect marriage. And to learn how to dress up smartly and be a good guest, using their best manners. There are so few opportunities like that for them these days.

So yes OP, I think it’s a shame your girls aren’t invited, it would be so lovely for them to attend a family wedding at that perfect age to take in the magic of it all.

I wouldn’t turn down the invitation simply because they aren’t invited though, if I could find the sort of childcare your DDs would be happy with. And I certainly wouldn’t ask or complain.
I hope your nephew and his bride have a change of heart …but it is tricky for them I’m sure and they will have their own reasons for their decision which must, in the end, be respected.

Please don’t get me wrong, I adore spending time with my children! But for my kids and their personalities (and most children under 5 I know) a formal 3 course meal lasting hours isn’t fun for them either! Might have been different at a family wedding with extra pairs of hands to be fair.

YANBU OP. Just don't go, send a card and a gift and leave it there. Think of all the money you'll be saving on outfits and accommodation!

When I didnt invite my 58 first cousins to my wedding there were only two aunts out of 17 who complained to me and my mother. Yes you guessed it - the two nasty ones who we wouldnt have invited if we were honest. The other aunts who are always lovely were of course respecful and understanding.

Yet it’s always the parents of kids pleading I must take them. Not child care.

I have kids. I love a kid free wedding.

I’m with you OP. Niece getting married this year - difference is some kids are invited and some are not. It’s more understandable if it’s a no kids at all rule, but when it’s only some then makes you think she’s just not that bothered about them as a family. As a result all the ones with kids not invited are just not going. They have better things to do.

Sorry, were you there?

You're almost sort of right, but not in the way you think.

I mean yes, this is true but you're really very far off the mark.

Completely agree.

Museums aren't for kids, for fuck's sake.

The multitude of children who were rolling around on the floor, jumped up on displays that specifically said "do not touch," holding up queues, screeching mindlessly, bumping into us, sitting like dullards in their giant SUV prams blocking the aisleways, pawing at merchandise in the gift shops and making a mess in the cafes etc., do not have the cognitive ability to read, interpret or appreciate history, technology or art.

It's more than "inconvenient humans."

Every single human society that has ever existed has made a distinction between children and adults. Children have fewer cognitive abilities, less self-control, along with fewer rights, responsibilities and privileges. They are not the peers or equals of adults. Hence the rites of passage one can observe in every culture, modern or historic.

Believing that one's minor children are the social equals of the bride and groom's adult friends and family (and that they are unfairly being discriminated against) is delusional.

Yes this is why we get to do the things like strew rice as children

Weddings aren't family reunions with shared costs and multiple people sharing in the chores and responsibilities of organisation.

If you are invited to an event, it's not the opening salvo in a series of negotations. the appropriate responses are "yes, thanks," or "no, thank you." Not "can I bring extra people if I pay?" It's so disrespectul to the hosts to assume that one can flash some cash and make them bow to one's wishes.

That not what the OP is saying though, it’s the opposite! The OP was the one who only had a select few children at the wedding. This family member is having no children at all.

since you do face some logistical issues in attending, it would be ok if you need to decline. You should still look for practical solutions for your children for the day. So should your brother.

Neither of you should miss this event just because your older children are not invited. Look for someone to stay with them or see if friends could do reciprocal play dates, for lack of a better word to describe swapping childcare for that age.

Personally I wouldn't go and make it fairly obvious why, they may change their minds.

And all the likely damage to relationship with DSis. Why not just go and enjoy it.

Imagine being so entitled that you opt out of a celebration not about you unless it’s on your terms.

Or they may see you for who you really are. Selfish and entitled.

No one needs to be there.

Bride and groom choose. If there is any shift on what they want then someone entitled stuck their oar in. You have no right to demand anything.

If it was your sis and these were her nieces and nephews I would say yes you are ight but it’s your nephews wedding. Cousins are not immediate family.

Its reasonable you miss the wedding but it’s also reasonable they don’t invite your kids

It's not a famiky event. It's a bride and groom event.

This is what I tried to say in my post, but clearly expressed it badly, and was called sanctimonious.

My happiest childhood memories are from weddings, and my most profound memories from my first 18 years are from taking part in cultural celebrations, traditions and rituals with my family: - marriage (weddings), births (christenings), large formal family parties (significant birthdays and anniversaries) and deaths (funerals and remembrance services).

Just seems to be a lot less opportunity for children to be included and take part in these and I think that’s a loss for our communities.