My first wedding AIBU!

[narcASD]

I know the rules, it’s an invite not a summons etc etc but….
my sister’s son is getting married next year and he and his fiancé have said no kids.
my kids will be 13 & 10 when they get married and are lovely, well behaved girls.

I am very close to my sister and her children, her girls were bridesmaids and her son a page boy at my wedding, I’ve got a good relationship with my nephew.

It is not about finances, my sisters son is a very high earner as is his fiancé so it’s not because they are on a budget, I’ve also offered to pay for my girls if money was an obstacle.

I had a no kid rule apart from immediate family at my wedding, so I do get it, I’m just really hurt that my girls and my niece who will be 14 are not invited. They are kids but not ones to be running around screaming and crying (which is the reason my nephew wants no kids, but more so his wife to be).

my brother is also really upset and said he will not go if his daughter is not invited. AIBU not go myself and upset my sister?

This is an interesting pov.

Most kids I know (my own included from being babies), love weddings and parties of all sorts. They love being with adults of all generations having fun.

And most kids can be quiet when they need to be quiet. They do it at school every day. They understand what’s going on if they have it explained to them.

And most kids can sit and eat at a table. The ones who eat at a table at home, at school and are regularly taken to eat elsewhere: other people’s’ homes, cafes, restaurants. If they get fidgety, you chat to them, play little games or read to them.

If you bring up a kid to prefer being in front of a screen (tv, cinema or otherwise), rather than interacting with people socially, isn’t that the type of adult they’re likely to become?

Why on earth are you so aggressive?

As I said, you do you. I wouldn’t put the pressure on my 13 year old to care for a 10 year old for a full wedding day- regardless of how ‘intelligent’ or ‘resourceful’ they are. They are my childREN not my childCARE.

If your childcare idea was so common and normal I’m sure the majority of posters would be applauding your solution.

@user2848502016its around 80 miles away, I couldn’t leave my 13yo that long, she’s autistic and very sensible but would be anxious to be by herself that long, I think my brother will be able to look after her

@narcASD i get the no kid rule . Each to their own . Tbh if I got married now I wouldn’t have kids there.
If you are a close family then it will feel like excluding important family members.

Id kind of be honest and say I can’t make it sorry it wouldn’t feel right without the girls/boys .

And what if something happened to you both and you kids were orphaned? How would that work? Yes, the family unit has been changing in recent years, but that certainly does not mean it has improved. Your comment about “inbred village” is both insulting and nonsensical. If there was inbreeding, two families wouldn’t need to meet, would they?

Of course it fucking isn't.

"I want to marry you, therefore our mothers are forced to be friends for the rest of their lives"

It's not individualism that has caused a change in thinking, it's families ceasing to regard their daughters as property to be disposed of in the most lucrative way possible.

Same!!!!! I have never understood the concept since the whole bloody idea is about starting your new family together. Regardless of what the family you build is going to look like, excluding family members because of age has always seemed really weird to me.

Welll exactly

Do you normally discuss things so aggressively? Why are you so angry about the idea of extended family? I’ll leave you to your own issues if you can’t debate respectfully. Hope you have a good day. Peace.

If the only opportunities you have for your kids to be social and interact with people are other people's weddings, you've probably got problems anyway.

I see you can't actually deal with the points raised so have taken refuge in "being horrified at the language".

I find it so strange that you've offered to pay for them knowing money wasn't the issue. It's very pushy: they don't want children there, and however close you think you are to him, he doesn't feel sufficiently strongly enough about wanting his child cousins at the event to bend the rules. And as it's their day, that's the end of that. I don't see why you're so desperate to get them invited to something where they'll be the only kids and weren't invited in the first place? It'd be very awkward.

Go, or don't go, but surely you can see that "I know it says no children but mine are special" is a baffling approach in 2025 when childfree weddings are very common.

Ok. The bride and groom are the ones that get to decide the wedding. No kids means no kids. It doesn’t mean no kids unless you pay / are family / can dance whilst spinning paints. The level of entitlement from people when it comes to weddings really is bizarre.

And for those who don’t get child free weddings, those of us who had a nice civilised day with no crying / screaming / arguing / kid related chaos don’t get your choice. But you don’t see us turning up on every thread expecting you to uninvite kids to keep us happy or criticise your choices do you?

Do you really hate your children so much that you want to make sure they feel hurt and unloved? Crazy.

Cousins are extended family not immediate family, don't be surprised if the bride and groom get annoyed with family members questioning their decisions. Just go and have fun. And good try with no sitters being available as they'll all be at the wedding. Even all your ILs? 😜

100%. My kids came to weddings and funerals from a young age.

The eldest were there when their younger siblings were born and used to snuggle in bed with my grandmother at the end of her life, then came to her funeral. It’s how kids learn about life. It’s always been the case.

I used to love weddings as a kid. Seeing everyone looking their best, happy and dancing. Some of my best memories.

Oh I expect this self-rightous PP did .... invited (and coughed-up £100+/head) all the teenage boys to their wedding to polish up their social skills - and we all have an obligation to do that!

Excellent points.

Their wedding, their choices. I’m amazed you offered to pay? How insulting!

It’s up to the bride and groom who they invite.

However, if that means you can’t go then the B&G / their parents have no right to get upset .

As ever with these threads these things are very nuanced.

if there is a blanket no children rule then honestly I don’t think you have the right to kick up a fuss. I would, in general, agree that it is a bit odd to not want your family here, my sibling got married without my children being there and I complete understood why. (On a school day, only 25 guests, a registry office then lunch and that was it and a variety of other reasons). I was totally on board with that and they would have not enjoyed it anyway.

had my sibling had a massive wedding on a weekend with 150 guests with lots of family then I’d have been very very miffed!

if other children are invited then you would have the right to be upset as well as per another recent thread.

these things are never simple and there is never a one size fits all. Different families and different expectations. I don’t subscribe to the whole idea of it’s the bride and grooms day and that means they can ride roughshod over everyone else’s feelings.

id be interested as to why they don’t want their nearest and dearest at their wedding if there wasn’t a good reason.

Not about you, you are being selfish. Either go to THEIR event as per their invite or don't go. This hand wringing over children not being at weddings is ridiculous.

I'm glad you have accepted the consensus. I do agree that you just have to accept that other people marry in a way that suits them and you go or you don't.

Full disclosure however, when my brother didn't invite my child to his wedding, I was thoroughly unimpressed and it caused all sorts of issues. They relented and let her come in the end but it was a horrible situation. There are situations where it seems unwarranted but your nephew and fiancée are doing it in a fair way with consistency.

I get why you are disappointed, but think you and your DB should go anyway. its not all about your respective kids. It is not what you or he would do, but its the pair's choice, so suck it up and go and enjoy it. You can't really lay down conditions. What about your relationships with your DSis? Do it for her.

Mine was child free, and I had 3 different friends contacted me to ask if their child could be the exception to the rule. Ironically all 3 were the parents of the EXACT children I'd chosen child-free to avoid. Noisy, bratty, indulged children. The parents of the lovely, well behaved children I wouldn't have minded having there weren't rude enough ask and just got babysitters. That spoke volumes.

Why on earth do you think your wants are more important than theirs?

I think this demonstrates where the OP and other PP's are conflating two issues.

One is about inviting child N&N's to weddings.

One is about inviting child cousins to weddings.

The former is where the OP drew her line - didnt invite her friends DCs or indicate that that she invited any cousins of hers that were under age - so assume not ..... but she is getting pissy when her nephew may well be applying the same 'rules' - and is happy to bother the MoG and huff and flounce to make a point that is baseless in the first place.

Who as a child has been invited to every one of their adult cousins weddings? The age gap must be at least 15 years in this case and the genders opposite so I doubt the nephew has a close personal friendship with the OPs DDs.