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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My first wedding AIBU!

294 replies

narcASD · 18/04/2025 09:23

I know the rules, it’s an invite not a summons etc etc but….
my sister’s son is getting married next year and he and his fiancé have said no kids.
my kids will be 13 & 10 when they get married and are lovely, well behaved girls.

I am very close to my sister and her children, her girls were bridesmaids and her son a page boy at my wedding, I’ve got a good relationship with my nephew.

It is not about finances, my sisters son is a very high earner as is his fiancé so it’s not because they are on a budget, I’ve also offered to pay for my girls if money was an obstacle.

I had a no kid rule apart from immediate family at my wedding, so I do get it, I’m just really hurt that my girls and my niece who will be 14 are not invited. They are kids but not ones to be running around screaming and crying (which is the reason my nephew wants no kids, but more so his wife to be).

my brother is also really upset and said he will not go if his daughter is not invited. AIBU not go myself and upset my sister?

OP posts:
FlakyCritic · 18/04/2025 10:35

narcASD · 18/04/2025 10:28

Wow so many replies thank you!

just to clarify, I had no kids rule apart from immediate family which included sister and her 3 children and my brother plus 1, (he had no kids at the time). Also included my husbands sister & brothers kids, as well as husbands cousin with her 3yo who flew in from America.

I have not caused a drama, my sister told me she’s working on her son to invite over 10’s, I said it’s up to them as it’s their day, I’ve not mentioned anything about being upset also not asked if kids could come, I said to my sister is it a cost reason as if so I’d contribute but it was just conversation not a demand.

My brother has 3 kids all under 10, he said he can’t go and I said I’m not sure I’ll go as all the people who could have my kids overnight will be at the wedding. My 10yo could have a sleepover but not my 13yo as she’s really quiet and sadly doesn’t have any close friends.

I would never tell my sister or my nephew that I’m upset, nor would I dream of falling out over it! No drama, I just decline and send gift & card.
maybe i ABU in not wanting to go

Does your brother not have a wife or partner - the children's mother, who could stay home and look after their kids so he can attend his own sister's wedding?

Do you not have a husband or partner that can stay home and look after your kids, to enable you to attend your sister's wedding? At 13 I think if you're home before midnight, the eldest should be able to stay home and babysit - earning babysitting money, but if not, surely their father can have them? It's your sister's wedding.

Onelifeonly · 18/04/2025 10:35

Onelifeonly · 18/04/2025 10:28

I understand why you are upset and agree with those who feel children, at least of family members, should be a part if a wedding. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't go.

The only wedding I've been invited to like that since having children (can't account for ones pre then as it wouldn't have been important to me) was my cousin's. We're not close exactly but the rest of my family were going. I was put out by the exclusion of children, but more by the inconvenience of having to find someone to look after them. And it was nice to gave a childfree day actually and get to talk to my relatives without interruption.

In your shoes, I think I'd go and try to persuade my brother to do so as well. I certainly wouldn't want to fall out with my sister. Do your kids really care that much? Do you have someone to look after them?

The wedding we went to was in our city so an overnight stay was not needed. We paid our usual babysitter to look after them for the day. Can you leave in time to get home the same day?

Fundays12 · 18/04/2025 10:36

I had a nice kids wedding and family fell out with me (the same ones who had no kids at there wedding except there own). I got so much grief we ended up eloping to marry. I did not want kids at my wedding and am still glad to this day that we never had them. It's there day and there choice of you don't like it don't go. They can't say to you it's ok to bring your kids but not let other family members take there.

paranoiaofpufflings · 18/04/2025 10:36

You’re being ridiculous. You are invited, your kids are not. Do you never go out without your kids? Would you (and your brother) seriously snub what is likely to be the biggest day of your nephew’s life so far over this?

Original poster
narcASD · 18/04/2025 10:36

@beetr00true, I think deep down I’m just sad and a bit hurt

OP posts:
ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 18/04/2025 10:36

I think you and your brother are being petty af.

RanyaJerodung · 18/04/2025 10:37

narcASD · 18/04/2025 10:36

@beetr00true, I think deep down I’m just sad and a bit hurt

I think that's understandable, but there's nothing you can do. I would just go and try to put it out of my mind.

Gettingbysomehow · 18/04/2025 10:38

YABVU at their age they will be perfectly happy to be without you for a bit. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting an adult only wedding. Suck it up and support your sister.

Watermill · 18/04/2025 10:38

You are making it All About You and your feelings.

Just accept it and go and have fun.

crumblingschools · 18/04/2025 10:38

Do you and your brother not have in-laws who can babysit? Can respective partners stay at home and you and your brother go together

WhatNoRaisins · 18/04/2025 10:39

I wouldn't be thrilled in your situation either. All you can do is decline with dignity. If your sister or the couple kick off at you declining that's on them.

Lunchwoes · 18/04/2025 10:39

narcASD · 18/04/2025 10:28

Wow so many replies thank you!

just to clarify, I had no kids rule apart from immediate family which included sister and her 3 children and my brother plus 1, (he had no kids at the time). Also included my husbands sister & brothers kids, as well as husbands cousin with her 3yo who flew in from America.

I have not caused a drama, my sister told me she’s working on her son to invite over 10’s, I said it’s up to them as it’s their day, I’ve not mentioned anything about being upset also not asked if kids could come, I said to my sister is it a cost reason as if so I’d contribute but it was just conversation not a demand.

My brother has 3 kids all under 10, he said he can’t go and I said I’m not sure I’ll go as all the people who could have my kids overnight will be at the wedding. My 10yo could have a sleepover but not my 13yo as she’s really quiet and sadly doesn’t have any close friends.

I would never tell my sister or my nephew that I’m upset, nor would I dream of falling out over it! No drama, I just decline and send gift & card.
maybe i ABU in not wanting to go

Having your sister work on her son isnt fair. You all need to butt out.

godmum56 · 18/04/2025 10:40

Usual answer really. The choose who to invite. Invitees choose whether to go. I don't see why your sister should be upset. Its not her wedding.

Edit: your sister is "working on her son" ? Fiancee if you are reading this, leg it NOW!!

thisfilmisboring123 · 18/04/2025 10:41

narcASD · 18/04/2025 10:36

@beetr00true, I think deep down I’m just sad and a bit hurt

This is what I don’t get.
Why?

It’s not personal.
It’s not just your children they don’t want there.

ttcat37 · 18/04/2025 10:43

You don’t get to be cross about other people’s preferences and choices. Either you leave your children with someone and go to the wedding, or you don’t go. Decline the invite and IF they ask why, simply say ‘I can’t/ don’t want to leave the children’. You don’t get to try and manipulate them into allowing your kids when they don’t want them there. Likewise, they don’t get to be pissy about people declining an invite to their wedding because kids aren’t invited- if you stipulate no kids then you have to expect people to decline.

Hwi · 18/04/2025 10:43

BestIntentioned · 18/04/2025 09:27

I just cannot understand the idea of not having children at a wedding. The whole thing is about celebrating family and being together. It’s bloody bonkers imo. Only in the UK. Can you imagine a wedding in Italy, or just about anywhere else, with no children present? What absolute miseries we are.

But unlike us, they have families in Italy - Italy has the least number of care homes in the developed world. It is still an embarrassment to stick your parents into a care home there, a stigma. I used to think that that was because they were so poor, they could not afford it for their parents, but that is not the case. But the downside is this over-intrusiveness, everybody lives in each others' pockets and the rumour mill never stops, so I am genuinely not sure what is best?

NoSoupForU · 18/04/2025 10:44

It's their wedding so totally up to them who they wish to have there and why. It isn't about you or your brother, and it isn't a personal affront to either of you as it's a blanket rule.

TheAmusedLimePanda · 18/04/2025 10:44

I had a child free wedding bar my nephew. My reason was we had a strict number that we couldn’t go over due to our wedding package and children factored into that number. We had to make tough choices between other family members/friends and kids. My nephew was 5 at the time. He stayed down for a few dances then went up to his room with my BIL.
Sometimes it’s logistics rather than not wanting them there.

Munchymunch · 18/04/2025 10:45

No kids means no kids. We personally loved having them at our wedding (family and friends, from noisy babies to well behaved tweens and teens!) but that was our choice. What I don’t understand, however, are couples who say “no kids” but then get upset when that means some guests can’t/won’t attend.

SoSoLong · 18/04/2025 10:46

Gosh, mine were about those ages when their aunt got married, all I heard from them before the wedding was "Do we have to go? I don't want to go. Can I stay at home? Can I go to friend's house instead? Why do I have to goooo? It's booooring. "

NoSoupForU · 18/04/2025 10:47

And a wedding isn't about celebrating families. It's about 2 people marrying each other. There are tonnes of different types of wedding and the only thing that's consistent across them all is 2 people marrying.

TheHerboriste · 18/04/2025 10:48

godmum56 · 18/04/2025 10:40

Usual answer really. The choose who to invite. Invitees choose whether to go. I don't see why your sister should be upset. Its not her wedding.

Edit: your sister is "working on her son" ? Fiancee if you are reading this, leg it NOW!!

Edited

Exactly.

that two siblings of the marrying couple would strop and not attend an adult party because they couldn’t drag their five kids along is insane.

offering to pay as a way to push in is beyond the pale. Tacky. One doesn’t usurp the hosts’ prerogative by waving money around. It’s not Alton Towers, it’s a private party.

Isometimeswonder · 18/04/2025 10:49

Ffs. Having your nieces or nephews at your wedding is not the same as 2nd cousins or whatever your kids are to the groom.

LadyNairne · 18/04/2025 10:49

Excluding teenagers from weddings is very sad. These are important and rare multi-generational learning, relationship building and role modelling occasions. A chance to learn about an important tradition from their own culture. An occasion for them to understand what it is to celebrate someone else based on love and friendship or blood relations.

There aren’t many other ritualistic / traditional events which offer this.

Especially for boys but girls too.

No wonder young people are struggling with navigating and expectations of life, relationships, adult behaviour.

If they’re all banished and blocked from formal community and large group mixed generation social occasions (which we are having fewer of, due to CoL) how can they learn? American movies I guess.

LilyJosephine · 18/04/2025 10:49

Yes it is their wedding but YANBU to be upset and no to go if getting babysitters isn’t practical or too upsetting for your children. You can’t control your feelings (anymore than they can control their feeling that they don’t want any children at their wedding) only your actions.

Your actions to your sister/niece seem perfectly reasonable to me - you’ve hinted that you don’t feel comfortable leaving your children and offered to pay for them if that was the issue. It obviously isn’t, so now you’ll have to be more explicit “Really sorry Sis but I just don’t feel able to leave Names with babysitters- but I hope Niece has a wonderful day and I look forward to seeing the photos/video”.