My first wedding AIBU!

[narcASD]

I know the rules, it’s an invite not a summons etc etc but….
my sister’s son is getting married next year and he and his fiancé have said no kids.
my kids will be 13 & 10 when they get married and are lovely, well behaved girls.

I am very close to my sister and her children, her girls were bridesmaids and her son a page boy at my wedding, I’ve got a good relationship with my nephew.

It is not about finances, my sisters son is a very high earner as is his fiancé so it’s not because they are on a budget, I’ve also offered to pay for my girls if money was an obstacle.

I had a no kid rule apart from immediate family at my wedding, so I do get it, I’m just really hurt that my girls and my niece who will be 14 are not invited. They are kids but not ones to be running around screaming and crying (which is the reason my nephew wants no kids, but more so his wife to be).

my brother is also really upset and said he will not go if his daughter is not invited. AIBU not go myself and upset my sister?

I agree with you, it's the case in my culture too, but it seems to happen in England .
OP, I can understand how you feel, but their decision is made. Just get a babysitter and go to the wedding.

"Talk about “the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral” mentality."

Never heard that one before. I like it and shall use it forthwith.

I suspect the rest of the world is still actively parenting their children, something much of the UK seems to have abandoned. Might that be the difference?

Exactly.

Parents need to get over the fact that their precious darlings are not welcome at every party.

A wedding is the bride and groom's day, no one else's. Who they invite is up to them given that they almost certainly have constraints on the numbers invited.

OP, How many other cousins do the bride and groom have? Each one of those is one less friend who can be invited. A line has to be drawn somewhere over numbers and it is easier to put a whole category of people in either the invited or not invited category rather than trying to work out whether or not to invite individuals, potentially upsetting people in the same category who didn't make the cut.

Too many people try to make other people's weddings about themselves. DD has just got engaged and they are planning on getting married next summer. When she told MIL, MIL's immediate reply was "well it can't be x-date because that's my birthday"

YABU

their wedding, their choices. Just go and have a nice time and recognise your kids are not the centre of the world for once.

Frankly I can’t imagine teens and pre teens being that bothered about spending the day with a lot of old people they hardly know, hanging around while a million photographs are taken before eating pretty rubbish food and listening to adults droning on in boring speeches , then being forced to listen to terrible music in the evening possibly somewhere in the middle of nowhere that has poor phone reception! 🙂

The only bright point would be getting a new outfit, so I would cut out the wedding bit and go straight for the new outfit, find them a friendly late teen babysitter and a offer them a parent free night in with pizza of their choice and a good movie.

What an odd comment.
I don’t think many people are thinking of divorce on their wedding day.

Regardless of what follows, many people still feel it’s the most important day of their lives.
Can totally understand why people wouldn’t want kids there.

Good point. I was in London last week and the hordes of screeching, misbehaving kids (including young teens) ruining the experience at museums and cafes was revolting. While the gormless parents just stand there watching them barge around bumping into others and blocking exhibits.

Someone explain to me how a baby in a pram and a gaggle of low-attention-span 3-6 year olds get anything out of the transport museum, the V&A or the National Gallery. Yet we saw countless groups of that configuration ruining the experience for others.

Ok they won't run around, but a wedding is miserable for even kids that age if they can't run around and have to sit still at a table for hours. Do you really think that is fair for a 10 year old and 13 year old? They will have nothing to do! They will be bored out of their brains! Maybe you should think of it from that angle, from a child's point of view. I'm sure these kids would rather be at home watching a movie, or having a sleepover at friends than have to sit at a table for hours on end!

Also some venues are Adults Only, and speeches can be risque, a 13 year old is going to be soooo embarrassed. They are old enough to understand some of the comments at that age.

You're not thinking about it from a child's eye view. Adults who force their children to weddings are selfish and don't seem to understand children very well.

I honestly do not understand these threads.

Yes it's family but it's THEIR wedding.

How many times does it need to be said? How do you know that there isn't a problem with the budget? Even so, again it's their wedding.

Stop taking it as a slight. My family are huge and I wasn't even invited to a cousin's wedding let alone told about it. It was a pity but it was their choice. Why start a family rift over something so petulant? I simply congratulated them as it wasn't worth it, no matter my private feelings. Another cousin's, I was invited to the evening do only, when other cousin's went to the day do. Did I kick off? Absolutely not. I was happy to be included. This wedding is about them and what they want so stop making it about you.

Just enjoy a kid free day ffs. Or don't go and turn your nose up and create chaos when it isn't needed. I never want to be married and I'm glad I don't when such petulance occurs.

Mine and my relatives DC always enjoy weddings because they're fun, usually! Dressing up, good food, seeing their friends. Always well behaved. I think it's important socially and culturally for all the generations to get together and celebrate. However, the weddings I'm talking about don't have many hours of photographs or speeches which some weddings have. I can see that's not great.
Ultimately, if they're not invited, they can't go.

I understand why you are upset and agree with those who feel children, at least of family members, should be a part if a wedding. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't go.

The only wedding I've been invited to like that since having children (can't account for ones pre then as it wouldn't have been important to me) was my cousin's. We're not close exactly but the rest of my family were going. I was put out by the exclusion of children, but more by the inconvenience of having to find someone to look after them. And it was nice to gave a childfree day actually and get to talk to my relatives without interruption.

In your shoes, I think I'd go and try to persuade my brother to do so as well. I certainly wouldn't want to fall out with my sister. Do your kids really care that much? Do you have someone to look after them?

Wow so many replies thank you!

just to clarify, I had no kids rule apart from immediate family which included sister and her 3 children and my brother plus 1, (he had no kids at the time). Also included my husbands sister & brothers kids, as well as husbands cousin with her 3yo who flew in from America.

I have not caused a drama, my sister told me she’s working on her son to invite over 10’s, I said it’s up to them as it’s their day, I’ve not mentioned anything about being upset also not asked if kids could come, I said to my sister is it a cost reason as if so I’d contribute but it was just conversation not a demand.

My brother has 3 kids all under 10, he said he can’t go and I said I’m not sure I’ll go as all the people who could have my kids overnight will be at the wedding. My 10yo could have a sleepover but not my 13yo as she’s really quiet and sadly doesn’t have any close friends.

I would never tell my sister or my nephew that I’m upset, nor would I dream of falling out over it! No drama, I just decline and send gift & card.
maybe i ABU in not wanting to go

It is the couple's choice.
Does your nephew have a close relationship with your children? If he does I can understand that you may think that they should be invited. It sounds like there is a large age gap so I suspect not.
I actually think it is really cheeky that you disrespected your nephew and his fiancée so much that you tried to undermine their plans by offering to pay for a place at their wedding for your children.

Personally I'd invite your children. My approach to a wedding is much like yours...yes to (my interpretation of) close family and no to other kids.

I say this because I know that 1. I couldnt exclude my child nieces and nephews and 2. I am close to my cousins (because we are similar ages so grew up close).

But I'm sort of struggling to equate this to your scenario where I'm an adult and my cousins are still children and I think it's clouding my judgement if that makes sense.

I really don't think this is awful enough for you or your brother to make a fuss or not go.

When I see these threads I think back to my own wedding and I don't think it's always about cost or noise. For me it's that most venues I saw have a restriction on numbers so you just can't invite everyone's partners and children without cutting our people you're really close to. And that most people I know IRL see it as normal to go to something without their kids. (Not directed at you, OP...just musing).

Eta have read your update and am torn again! I do think it's thoughtless when couples don't consider lack of childcare for people they know well. But no one I know IRL has that problem. Equally I assume (hopefully) your children and your brother's children have another parent so if it was me I'd go alone if no other option.

YABU and so his your brother.
It’s their wedding and their choice so either find someone to watch your children for the day or risk ruining family relationships because you can’t get your own way.

So you invited nieces and nephews, but you are annoyed that cousins aren't invited?

Did you invite any cousins that were children?

Sorry I've just seen you invited one.

@narcASD - yes: you and your brother are being unreasonable to make your nephew’s wedding about you and your families. You said your own wedding was child free except for family.

I get that you want your DCs to have the treat of attending but the world doesn’t revolve around our DCs for other people even though it does for us.

I think it’s nice to have children at a wedding but the arrangements for a wedding day should be about what the couple in question want. There are good logistical reasons for having a child-free wedding, if that’s what the couple wants and it’s much easier to draw a general line rather than start being selective.

Don’t make this about you.

Maybe the bride has a lot of children on her side? Or none at all. Maybe she has a child relative aged over 10 who is very difficult?

It’s the next level down of family who aren’t invited compared to yours @narcASD

What an excellent, sensible response!

Inviting them would mean they have to invite all other cousins on both sides and their partners if they’re older and also every invitee’s children. They will have friends they are close to that they want to invite, there has to be a cut off somewhere!

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Your nephew and his fiancee have decided to exclude all children, even family children and older children, from their wedding which they are entitled to do. However, you are entitled to decline, particularly as you don't have anyone to look after your children as they will all be at the wedding.

You sound so much more reasonable and balanced giving the details on your most recent post.