My first wedding AIBU!

[narcASD]

I know the rules, it’s an invite not a summons etc etc but….
my sister’s son is getting married next year and he and his fiancé have said no kids.
my kids will be 13 & 10 when they get married and are lovely, well behaved girls.

I am very close to my sister and her children, her girls were bridesmaids and her son a page boy at my wedding, I’ve got a good relationship with my nephew.

It is not about finances, my sisters son is a very high earner as is his fiancé so it’s not because they are on a budget, I’ve also offered to pay for my girls if money was an obstacle.

I had a no kid rule apart from immediate family at my wedding, so I do get it, I’m just really hurt that my girls and my niece who will be 14 are not invited. They are kids but not ones to be running around screaming and crying (which is the reason my nephew wants no kids, but more so his wife to be).

my brother is also really upset and said he will not go if his daughter is not invited. AIBU not go myself and upset my sister?

Yabu...you may think whatever you like about child-free weddings but actually refusing to go because your 10 and 13 year old aren't invited seems disproportionately obstinate to me.

I love kids at a wedding and think they make the day…however it’s their day not yours and its completely up to them! I think its pathetic to be offended by something as petty as this!

Oh...right. So YOUR wedding was child-free...but your nephew's wedding should include your children because they are 'lovely'.
Cop on to yourself madam.

Will your nephew and your sister be upset if you don’t go?

(I ask because some of my aunties didn’t attend my wedding and I was a bit upset but not devastated and still have good relationships with them, but in some families it would be a massive drama and cause a lot of upset).

If your sister and nephew won’t care that much then by all means decline.

If it will cause a lot of upset then you have to decide if you’re willing to tank those relationships for the sake of a decision which isn’t at all personal or in any way designed to upset you.

It is very much a white westerner issue - the rest of the world loves having kids at weddings.

Having my gorgeous niece at my wedding was one of the highlights of the day for me. She was three, excited about picking an outfit and had a brilliant time. She did three year old stuff at times, but she was being three! She’s early twenties now and I would regret not having the memory and photos to share with her, and everyone else.

Not really the most important day of your life given the divorce rate!

I always felt a sigh of relief when an invite stated no children. Weddings are boring enough for adults let alone children!

Sorry, but it's their wedding. They don't want kids. Say nothing don't interfere.

what, so people should have a shitty day ruined by snotty screaming toddlers just in case they get divorced? 😂
OP YABVU. I get it-your kids are highly unlikely to spoil the day, they are a bit older and unlikely to cause a bother. But in situations like this is MUCH easier to have a blanket rule if no kids. Otherwise it’s “I know you said no under tens but my little angel is 8 and three quarters and very well behaved!!” Etc…you get the picture.
You need to stop taking it personally, because it isn’t.

@KittyFantastica we went to a wedding a month before ours and children were invited. It was chaos with some children being frogmarched out of church by an harassed parent after making too much noise

A friend (who was also going to attend our wedding) who had children but had left them with babysitters, turned to me and said bet you are glad you are having a child free one!

It's a shame but maybe there are loads of younger cousins on brides side so easier to say no kids at all.

It is so bizarre to me that you admit to enforcing a particular rule at your wedding, because it was what YOU wanted (your wedding your rules) and yet are judging your poor nephew and his bride to be for doing the exact same thing.

Your brother sounds spoilt and immature. If my uncle was threatening that I'd think good riddance.

The wedding day is about the bride and groom. No one else. Not your children, not someone else's children. It is not your day. You had your day, let them have theirs. Without you causing a stink for selfish reasons.

Also that age is boring for kids.
I had to attend many a dull older-cousin's wedding at that age and it wasn't fun. Too old to just muck in with other kids you don't know, and too young to make small talk with adults.
Go and be there for your nephew and have a nice time.

Yanbu.
I think it is fair enough to decline.
Another person who cannot understand children within the family not being included.
I don't get it.
At your girls ages I think it is really mean.
It clearly is not a family wedding in my view and he certainly isn't pushed about your going.
It is ok to decline in such circumstances.
I wouldn't get into any discussion about it.
You are declining as the wedding doesn't suit you to attend without your children.

I had a situation years ago with my nephews wedding. We as a family had received our full family invite and were looking forward to it for 12 months, outfits bought for the children.
On his side there were two children under 12, these were my two youngest, 11 and 8.

On the brides side there were 20 apparently so my two suddenly had their invitations rescinded and I was supposed to find childcare in the middle of the summer for the day

In the end I was unable to find childcare as so many people were on holidays, so my husband and two sons went and I went after the meal for a couple of hours with our daughter.

I thought rescinding the invite was appalling and so did his mother, my sister in law. I never said a word to my nephew or SIL, but she was so apologetic to my husband. It was a numbers thing at the venue apparently and they didn't want small children.

Their only child is treated like the second coming by them, I do wonder how they would feel in similar circumstances by an invitation being rescinded suddenly when the physical invites are being sent out.
Awful behaviour IMO, it would have really hurt my sweet 11 year old to have been excluded at such a late stage after a year of excitement.

If they were toddlers it would be one thing, but teenage cousins being excluded is very poor IMO.

Venue capacity is very much a thing and they can be really stringent about all heads counting - your registrar, your photographer. Everyone.

Say each side has four child relations, that’s eight additional spaces. Add on a smattering of friends with kids. That could be another ten spaces. So nearly 20 spaces. Your venue might only hold 60 people. Who do you invite? Do you invite all kids or only some kids? Or do you just simplify it as “no kids”? Someone’s nose is out of joint no matter what you do.

YABVU

YANBU to decline the invitation.

I wouldn't have anyone at my wedding who kicked up a fuss in the family and started a thread on a public forum to complain about my chosen guest list.

Wishing much joy to the bridal couple 🎉🥂🥳

Your nephew is not being unreasonable to have a child-free wedding if he wants and you would be perfectly reasonable to decline the invitation.

If your nephew gets upset or angry about you declining the invitation, that would be unreasonable. People who choose to have child-free weddings must surely be aware that some people with children will decline.

Hahaha, this is so great!
OP: I had a boundary at my wedding which was fine but now there is a different boundary at someone else’s wedding that doesn’t suit me, and is therefore unfair and wrong.

It’s not a money thing, it’s numbers thing, if they invite 3 nieces /nephews, that might mean 3 uni friends can’t be invited. And guess what, dancing and getting pissed on your wedding day with true friends who you have known for years is more fun than spending time with 13 year old nieces and nephews.

They are NBU to decide on their own guests.

You are NBU for declining the invite.

I wouldn't go.

Good lord, then it would be 100 percent your fault if they are upset. Why raise such entitled kids?

Talk about “the bride at every wedding and the corpse at every funeral” mentality.

The couple want an elegant adult evening, not a family reunion. Kids age 13 or 14 are not the social equals of adults. They are not peers of the marrying couple or the other guests. Parents who can’t comprehend that should stay home.

@ThejoyofNC even though OP had a child free wedding too