My first wedding AIBU!

[narcASD]

I know the rules, it’s an invite not a summons etc etc but….
my sister’s son is getting married next year and he and his fiancé have said no kids.
my kids will be 13 & 10 when they get married and are lovely, well behaved girls.

I am very close to my sister and her children, her girls were bridesmaids and her son a page boy at my wedding, I’ve got a good relationship with my nephew.

It is not about finances, my sisters son is a very high earner as is his fiancé so it’s not because they are on a budget, I’ve also offered to pay for my girls if money was an obstacle.

I had a no kid rule apart from immediate family at my wedding, so I do get it, I’m just really hurt that my girls and my niece who will be 14 are not invited. They are kids but not ones to be running around screaming and crying (which is the reason my nephew wants no kids, but more so his wife to be).

my brother is also really upset and said he will not go if his daughter is not invited. AIBU not go myself and upset my sister?

@SoSoLong that’s the thing many aspects of weddings are boring (even to adults!) The photographs, the speeches, long drawn out meal, drunk adults. Not really child friendly. And if you put things on to entertain children or provide a crèche then that demonstrates that the actual wedding isn’t really geared for children

Why did you not want other people's lovely kids at your wedding OP?

(Since that's why you want the couple to make an exception for the grooms cousins)

Oh dear, your sister is trying to force her son and his bride to invite unwanted guests? I hope they shut that down immediately.

Just go and have a nice grown up evening. It would be different if you had a baby or toddler who couldn’t be left for a night. But do teens/preteens even care about going to a random cousin’s wedding? I’m sure they’d love a sleepover with a friend instead.

And you didn’t have children at your wedding. It’s a bit like dh’s best mate who had a child free destination wedding. How many people can just leave their children at home while they jet off to another country for several days? We had a baby and a preschooler at the time and no family help. Dh was the best man so he had to go, but I had to stay home with the dc. Fast forward 5 years and couple now has dc similar ages and last time we saw them were ranting about their friends having a childfree destination wedding and how ridiculous it was because who would they leave their children with?! 😂

This.

PLUS, we were staying home alone evenings at that age. Watching television and having snacks. Hell, I was babysitting for infants and toddlers at 14. OP could FaceTime them a couple of times throughout the evening if she really felt it necessary.

Surely, if the groom has to ‘work on’ getting her son to invite over 10’s, and he ultimately agrees to pacify everyone, you wouldn’t dream of bringing your children when they clearly weren’t invited in the first place.

If yourself and your brother genuinely have no-one to babysit your children, surely your both could attend the wedding, leaving the children with their Dad / Mum ??

Carrying in the way you are only causes tensions and upsets the bride and groom in the build up to their big day.

My own children have lots of cousins older than them and they were invited to some of the older cousins weddings and not invited to others. No big deal.

Now you know what it’s like to be on the other side of the no kids rule.

Don’t be that nightmare guest, the bride and groom have enough going on.

Can’t leave a 10 and 13 year old with a friend or neighbour for a few hours? Without them being traumatized?

If that’s the case, this family has far greater problems than a wedding invitation.

Yeah, have to say I shuddered at the “sister is working on her son”. Toxic already. We had the same kind of crap for our wedding many years ago (we had our best pals as witnesses and that was it) and omg the DRAMA. It certainly put DH’s family in a certain light for me.

A 10 and a 13 years old left alone all day so their parents can go to a wedding???

Give your head a wobble.

There is a huge difference IMO between the children of immediate family and the children of guests being included.

If you genuinely have no one who could watch them then it’s not unreasonable for you to not go - although it seems as if your brother is not going so he could be a potential?

OP I understand you’re upset and that’s valid especially as you made an effort to have your family’s kids at your wedding. However it is valid for your nephew and his partner to invite whoever they want for their wedding. I don’t think it’s a good idea for your sister to try and “work on him to invite under 10s”- it’s this kind of attitude that makes what should be a nice time a stressful experience for people planning their wedding. It’s literally one day! If you’re that close to nephew, you should be able to try your best to support him and his new wife despite your girls not being there. It won’t be personal or a reflection of what they think of the girls - it’s probably because if they invite some they will have to invite others - the bride may have 50 cousins for eg and they’re trying to be fair. I personally wouldn’t cut off your nose to spite your face.

You seem to have the attitude that you invited close family kids and so they should do the same. It doesn't work like that. Why can't your brother watch your kids if he's not going?

I do get when couples choose to have no kids it's easier to just say no exceptions. If they make 1 for you, then your brother then it will be someone in the brides family, then a couple of members of the wedding party ask and suddenly they have 10 kids coming and lots of annoyed guests who thought it was no kids

There’s a bit of a generation gap imo about nephews/grandchildren.

DM was outraged and picked a fight over her siblings not being invited to her GC’s wedding- so great aunts at the wedding.

People think that offspring are an extension of the person they are close to, rather than their own people.

I would be pleased to be invited as an aunt, rather than assuming me and my DC are invited.

I never understand no kids at a wedding. The point of a wedding is the meeting of two families and groups of friends. Families inc children, my friends are importabt to me which means their kids are also important to me.

Weddings seem all about showing off, wanting to create some “ perfect day” ie some creation of a Disney experience, we’ve started prioritising how things look on social media - it’s not just weddings but society at large.

I recently went to a child free wedding that was also free of elderly relatives! It was a very fancy, black tie late afternoon/evening do. The bride and groom are in their fifties and have lots of aunts and uncles in their 80s.
They said they didn't want them to feel obligated to pay for hotels to attend when they knew most would tire early, and leave straight after the dinner.
They had brilliant entertainment (a band with drummers and sax player with instruments round their necks who also got on the dance floor and led the dancing - very samba party), free bar so they wanted a massive party vibe. It was ace.
None of the older relatives were offended as far as I know. My parents were relieved not to have to buy new outfits and try to have conversations in noisy rooms they can't hear with their hearing aids.
Very selfishly, I didn't miss doing the rounds of all said elderly aunts and uncles to make polite small talk with the nice ones and get told how fat I've gotten by the meanies.
The kids in the family are now lovely interesting adults and I got to talk to them and all their friends who were there about uni, travelling and their fab jobs.
Oh god, I'm the boring auntie now aren't I!? ( I like to think not, they were trying to get me and DH to go clubbing with them afterwards, I was up for it but he was too pissed 😁).

“Too upsetting for your children”?? They’re 10 and 13. Way old enough to realise that sometimes, the world doesn’t revolve around them. Honestly this is exactly why we’re raising an entire generation of kids that cannot cope without a layer of bubble wrap and a safe space every time they stub a toe or someone tells them “no”.

It's fine for them to invite who they want, and it's fine for you to decline the invitation if that's what you'd rather do.

@Humpsr what’s your definition of immediate family. OP had child free wedding apart from nephews and nieces, but the children involved here are cousins. Where do you draw the line on the family tree?

This.

It is very high maintenance of you, OP, to feel “hurt” that your precious kiddiwinks aren’t invited to an adult’s special event. Not to mention completely hypocritical!

It is their party, their special event, they get to imagine it and execute it however they wish. Which, as it happens, is pretty much exactly how you planned yours!!

I will never understand why people get so offended and emotional about child-free weddings… just plan a nice alternative for your kids and go and enjoy the party! You aren’t joined at the hip!

(I caveat the above with, of course babes in arms are a different kettle of fish. I have a child free wedding of a dear friend this summer and will have a young baby. She’s happy for me to come with baby, but equally I would have been totally understanding and happy not to attend if she hadn’t wanted babe in arms along too because it is HER wedding. My toddler will have a super day of activities with his babysitter… you just have to be mature about these things…)

You know you’re being unreasonable because this same scenario comes up every week. The answer is always the same: we don’t understand why children aren’t invited to a wedding but it’s the bride and groom’s prerogative to have the wedding they want.

I have a big family so there are often weddings. Unfortunately, I have a disabled son in a wheelchair so most venues aren’t easily accessible. Now he’s an adult he’s generally not on the invitation anyway. I can’t leave him as he requires care. However, I politely say thanks for the invite but unfortunately unable to attend.

Either attend by yourself or politely decline.

You obviously never did any babysitting as a teen. Or perhaps are in the helicopter parenting mind. A 13 year old should be perfectly able to babysit her 10 year old sibling for a day, perhaps a neighbour can check on them a couple of times too. Goodness we really wrap our kids in cotton wool this days, really ridiculous.

You forgot to add "And it's your fault, and if you were cleverer and prettier people would like you more. Now fuck off out of my sight."

Or, you know, you could not say any of this.

@MyHeartyCoralSnail

"I never understand no kids at a wedding"
They can be disruptive and change the whole atmosphere?

"The point of a wedding is the meeting of two families and groups of friends"
How many weddings have you been to where both families and the friends of the couple co-mingle? Personally, don't think so. People stay in the comfort of their own cliques, usually.

I think the majority of parents on here, I would hazard a guess at almost all, would not leave their 10 and 13 year old all day to go to a wedding.

You do you I suppose.

I suspect the no children rule comes from the fact that weddings are largely quite boring for children. They tend to get irritable, and it is generally quite a grown up thing for them to sit through.
It’s difficult to tell Dave his little brats can’t come, but Trevor’s little angels can. And when you say no children, but children from the family are ok, you risk irritating groups of your guests.
It’s much easier to say - no children. Then allow the parents to decide if they’re able to arrange childcare for the day or not. Either way is ok.