DH has given me the ick

[Somethingabimbowouldsay]

My sister’s friend was kicked out of her home by her partner after she admitted she’d been unfaithful. Without anywhere else to go, my sister invited her to stay with her family - DP and her two DC.

We visited them a last week and met her colleague for the first time. On the journey back DH said something along the lines of, ‘she (my sister) is asking for trouble. She (her friend) looks much younger, is prettier and licentious (polite way of calling her a slag, I guess). My sister’s DP is a very decent man but I know things have been strained between them.

I am abit put out by his comments on her looks and behaviour but part of me wonders how realistic he is being.

i know a family who took in a Ukrainian lady with a kid and that’s exactly what happened.

Well, those of us who’ve been around a while have seen it a million times.

Sadly too true @TheHerboriste

I'd have said to my DP ' well, you've made it clear what you think would happen if she moved in with us'. And just laugh.
Silly bastard. If he thinks everyone's a cheat then that's just exposing his own inner workings isn't it?

You have never met anyone who has cheated with a younger or pretty person? No one? I'm not saying you are lying but you may well be a statistical anomaly.

The DH is telling the truth, sadly this is the way men think and bringing a younger, attractive female into a marital home is not wise. Men are visual and even a good man will be tempted

Op I hate to break it to you but men are animals.
Her partner may well be tempted. It's what men do. I know someone who's partner had a baby, ended up in hospital with a bad heart and he was looking after their son and sending dick pics to other women. She found out, left him and he literally couldn't give a shit.

This. I think that's quite a sensible comment.

I don’t see it either, I read about it on here a lot and the celeb world. Same with age gap relationships, don’t really see them in real life

It is a shame that people do not draw on literature to find easy answers. I recommend 'A cup of tea' by Katherine Mansfield. And again, and again, Kobo Abe, The woman in the dunes.

I've seen it several times in real life. The fact is that most middle aged blokes don't get the chance to run off with someone young and pretty because these women aren't interested in them!

It baffles me sometimes on MN. The amount of women who thinks their partners holier than thou and would never stray if the opportunity arises.

The thing is a lot of men (and women, but statistically less often) would, should the opportunity arise.

A lot of people do not set out to have an affair and it arises out of circumstances.

So no, i wouldn't invite this lady to live with me. I would have maybe offered to get her to a b and b. But she made her bed, her kids are safe. She needs to sort herself out. I would say the same if it was a man.

Surely that says more about him though? That he can’t be trusted and is weak? I wouldn’t want to be with a man who only didn’t cheat because of lack of opportunity.
A good man is someone who could be around anyone and not think like that. Also why does younger/beautiful = better?

@QueefQueen80s that's true but unlikely you would know a dp was or wasn't likely to cheat until or if it happens.

Having someone to stay is quite stressful as it is. Having someone to stay who has just taken part in blowing up their own life is immensely stressful.

Add into the mix a marriage going through a rocky patch it really isn't difficult to see how appalling this could turn out.

No one needs to have a physical thing for a partner to have their head turned. No one needs a physical or emotional thing to have stress X a million to show up further cracks.

Instead of rescuing a colleague, perhaps your sister and bil should be working on their marriage. The colleague is a big distraction from that. I've known women invite another woman into the marriage quite on purpose to get rid of a husband, I've known men see another woman in their life, however innocent, see the difference between two people and decided he could do better elsewhere. This isn't necessarily a sex based thing, it happens whatever the sex of the third person, same sex attraction happens too.

This situation, whatever it is, whatever it may bring is never ever going to help that.

I agree, but I wonder how long your comment will last before it gets 'reported' for ageism and deleted.

No, they won’t always tell their partners. Need a secure relationship for that. They still think it, though. Being married doesn’t make people blind. They still notice, even if they wouldn’t dream of making a move. If no one ever rated others, why is fashion, hair, make up, shoes, getting dolled up for dates and going out important. If no one notices or looks or ranks, why bother? Most people care how they look to others…but that’s because others look.

This guest has a history. She’s there because she cheated and that is already in the air, so commenting on her as a potential risk to an already rocky relationship is not beyond belief. The OP is naturally sensitive because it’s her sister and sister’s husband rocky marriage in the same house as this slim young lady with questionable morals .

And you are right. I did need a better partner. He didn’t comment on other women. He just went after them quietly. A whole harem. And I have to say, he didn’t care what they looked like or what age…one was in her 70s , one in her 40s, one even younger …30s I think. Had a baby. Lots of them .

Just not to offer it to him on a plate.

I think if the roles were reversed it would happen too, humans will human. Its just not many blokes would say,
'Aww my poor mate Greg who's a bit better looking than me and a bit of a charmer, it's such a shame that's he's just cheated on his lovely wife and she's chucked him out, I know I'll move him in to ours! Things haven't been stellar between me and the missus of late, but I'm sure she'll appreciate another guy around to help with the chores and shopping and to wander in and out of the bathroom wearing only a small towel on occasion...'😬

Er, that happens quite a lot. Even on mumsnet…!

Yes, IN HIS HOUSE makes a huge difference. A convo of two friends 'do you think your brother is cheating/' 'No, he is far too lazy for that and he works a lot'. So often the 'not cheating' part is the lack of opportunity and in this scenario opportunity is handed to a potential cheater (like all men) on a plate.

That’s true which is why I stay single now!

you know what? I am going to go further than saying its a sensible comment. I think its not a comment that says ANYTHING about your DH and much more about your sister's partner and what your DH thinks of him. I also think that if you had visited them with a female friend, and she had said this to you, you wouldn't have reacted in the same way, or if you had posted here without disclosing the gender of the speaker, it wouldn't have been evident whether it was a man or woman who had said it..... if he had said something like "lucky bugger to have THAT in the house" then I would have understood your ick.

When I worked in hospitality we were taught anti theft measures basically for some people theft is a crime of opportunity. So don’t leave anything lying about to tempt them. Some people think of cheating in the same way.

Obviously the answer is that people should take personal responsibility and not steal or cheat but choose to blame temptation and a lack willpower.

As they’re having difficulties anyway he may have a point. If the marriage was a happy one I’d assume BIL would manage to keep his hands off her.