DH has given me the ick

[Somethingabimbowouldsay]

My sister’s friend was kicked out of her home by her partner after she admitted she’d been unfaithful. Without anywhere else to go, my sister invited her to stay with her family - DP and her two DC.

We visited them a last week and met her colleague for the first time. On the journey back DH said something along the lines of, ‘she (my sister) is asking for trouble. She (her friend) looks much younger, is prettier and licentious (polite way of calling her a slag, I guess). My sister’s DP is a very decent man but I know things have been strained between them.

I am abit put out by his comments on her looks and behaviour but part of me wonders how realistic he is being.

If he has a track record for saying things like this then I would be annoyed, but otherwise he may have noticed something - I have to say that's what it sounds like.

The 1850s called. They said you're a bit old fashioned for them!

Your DH gave you the ‘ick’, why? He is probably correct.

Facts:

• couple have issues in relationship
• move in a woman who clearly has no regard for fidelity
• is younger
• more attractive

I would raise the exact concerns as your husband there is always a risk involved when inviting someone into your home and coupled with relationship issues it’s a possibility something could happen and let’s be realistic your sisters friend cheated on her husband so probably wouldn’t think twice about betraying your
sister.

Just to give a real life pin on this , I know of someone who moved his friend into his home with his partner and two children. His other friends would joke about his partner and friend having an affair, he would laugh it off but it transpired it was true. He was the one who had to move out and his former partner and friend are still together now.

Needlessly Nasty ?

I suggest you have lived a gilded life if you think that !

I think he has a point tbh.

Yes but I really don't know any women who pounce on any random men they see. I'm not excususing her affair (very poor behaviour) but it's likely she had feelings for the man. It's unlikely she'll have feelings for the sister's husband. Do women you know really just go from one man to the next, shagging anyone who crosses their path? She's probably still recovering from the affair and breakdown of her marriage.

Not RTFT but could this be more of a comment on your sister's DP and his morals than on your DH's, OP? Dunno, I haven't voted either way as I think so much depends on your DH's general character and that of your sister's DP.

It is an unpleasant comment though and if my DH said something like this I'd wonder how his mind had jumped immediately to that place, so I don't think YABU to have a problem with it.

This exchange just made me spit my coffee! Reminded me of Bread where the mum would yel “TART” about the OW.

I think what would be a bit ick for me is the DH blaming the sister, who kindly helped a friend and saying she’s “asking for trouble”, that would annoy me, but I also think he has a point, there is potential for an affair. There are women who serially go for attached men, I’ve known some, and the domestic set-up would make it more likely. OTOH if sister’s husband is susceptible to that he’s ick too.

And I’d also feel a bit ick if my DH commented like that on the friend’s looks, like clearly that’s where his mind is going. He can’t help that if it does but he could keep it to himself.

Your DH made those comments in the light of some very specific circumstances.

1. Your sister and her OH relationship is "strained" anyway. Does this mean that it was on shaky ground before the woman moved in? Adding a stranger to the household will add to any tension.
2. The woman in question has demonstrated she doesn't respect the boundaries that a commited relationship holds.
3. Your sister has moved an unrelated woman in to the house. Your sister has changed the dynamic of the household and now her oh and her friend are living together in very intimate circumstances.
4. If the woman was a family member there would be a real taboo around any attraction. In this case she is an attractive stranger.
5. Your DH will have observed the dynamic between them.

I think I would take what your DH saw as his reaction to those very particular circumstances not signalling that, in his opinion, any relationship is threatened by a younger attractive woman. Whilst your sister and her oh have done a very kind thing letting her stay. I think I would encourage your sister to help the friend move to her own place.

(should add I don’t actually have a DH as I’m happily single, and pretty much sworn off men as I can’t be arsed)

When I read things like this I wonder how anyone's relationships even last. Do people not give open and honest opinions to their partners anymore without judgement? Grow up.

If someone should be giving you the "ick", it should be your sister. What is wrong with her? What on earth if she doing sheltering a disgusting cheater? I sincerely hope she does not have any children as it would be an abysmal example for them.
In regards to your husband's comment, by your own admission your sister is having some issues with her husband, so your husband is 100% on the money with his observation.
Give your head a wobble.

Well you haven’t been on mumsnet long have you?! There used to be one person on nearly everyday with the same story! 🤦🏽‍♀️

It depends how he said it.

I kind of agree with him. You don't move a more attractive woman into your home without accepting that your partner might be attracted to them. He may not act on it but if things are already strained, it's adding a layer of risk and complication that could screw things up.

Sorry, but men are that shallow. Your husband knows that.

Well your sister’s friend cheated on her partner so doesn’t really value relationships. No guarantee she won’t have a go at your sister’s partner considering she is homeless. So no I don’t think your husband is being disgusting, he is just stating that he doesn’t think it was a good idea inviting trouble into your home. And if this friend is younger, prettier than your sister and promiscuous, it might cause problems in her relationship. It is not really about men being unfaithful, this woman was in a relationship and cheated, it is about her and her morals.

Well a huge proportion of MN have such a dim view of men that they all think that too…why is him saying it different?

I think it shows how his brain works, and that if he himself had her living with you then he would be tempted. It’s pathetic. How secure you must feel now..

Thats exactly what lots of blokes do! Honestly, i dont think DH ever would, but i still wouldnt want to risk it by inviting a beautiful woman with loose morals over to stay 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well you say in your post that their relationship isn’t great, so whilst you think your sister is a wonderful woman, her dp may feel differently. I’m afraid I wouldn’t entertain taking another woman into a home where relationships are strained. It’s a recipe for disaster…..

It gave her the subconscious ick because she was not thinking about colleague-sister comparison (attractiveness) but about colleague-herself.

That is because not only do you have a brain, but you are humble as well (as people should be). I totally agree.

Precisely.

I do know people who have made a succession of extremely poor choices in a short space of time when they were in an emotionally vulnerable place. It’s because she has just only just had an affair and been chucked out of the house that I would be wary of her emotional response to that. It’s really not a good idea to bring a vulnerable woman into a conflicted household and potentially compound everyone’s problems - it seems that none of them are really in a great position to provide proper support for each other in this context. I would therefore be very wary of the potential fallout, including the risk of a husband who is unhappy in his marriage getting inappropriately close to a needy, vulnerable, attractive woman who is looking for comfort and validation.

He is right though. She's young, pretty and has no qualms about sleeping around. I wouldn't bring a temptress into my home.