Are my friends right?

[Ammamamam]

I am very lucky that I have a close friend group with three other women. I’ve known them a long time and really trust their judgment.

Been with DP since I was 29 and I’m now 37. We have one DD age 3. DP is hospital doctor and pretty much is always at the hospital. This has always been the way but since DD I feel irritated when he’s not in touch or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving and so on but they all unanimously said I needed to accept I have a lot of good stuff that comes from his job (financially) and that when he is around he is very hands on with DD. My friends were saying often their partners/husbands don’t do much all week yet barely earn anything close to DP and they’re not even hands on when they get home. I think they see my life as financially easy and therefore it makes up for the often rubbish weeks.

I feel so conflicted. Tonight is another example. We are taking DD to Disneyland tomorrow morning and he’s not even home yet, haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though. I didn’t expect my life to be like this and I feel sad that it’s ended up this way. I don’t feel the money is a fair or good reason to stay and I’m seriously questioning the relationship. But I also don’t want to upset DD who is obviously used to us being together. It’s another night feeling thoroughly fed up…

I have no personal experience of this as me and DP both work office jobs, but DP's sister is married to a policeman.

They've been married 2 years and already spent 6 months of that apart because she really struggled with not seeing him. She now goes to crossfit with him so that she gets to see him at his hobby otherwise she barely gets to talk to him all week. Same thing as you, when he's at work it's like she doesn't exist.

She knew what this was like before they got married but it felt worse to her once they were married.

They don't have children yet and it'll be interesting to see how she feels if they do.

Ultimately though, after their 6 months apart she still felt she was better off with him than without and they're now back together.

Just another experience to add to the mix.

No it’s not. Several of my friends are doctors, one had her babies while she was a junior doctor. The hours were long and she needed complete focus at work but that did not mean she was not in contact with her family.

This is not a doctor thing it’s a Big Man with an Important Job thing.

You seem, from your first post, to have been looking for your friends to give you the validation, approval to leave him, and they didn’t. If they had, would you? If that’s how you feel, then leave. You don’t need someone to tell you it’s ok to.

I’m sorry but your friends a wrong. You may find that when you do speak to people about your situation you will get a lot of opinions based on their own projections. The bottom line is that you are not happy. Others might be in your situation but you are not and your reasons are justified.

perhaps have a think about what it is that you want, is it reasonable and achievable and is there space for compromise on both sides?

I was in your exact situation a few years ago, we had a lot of other problems but the resentment that I felt towards him as a result of me facilitating his career and essentially being a single parent didn’t help. There was absolutely no other options though as he stonewalled when I bought it up. We are now divorcing and the disparity in our earnings is huge.

Agree but even when he was going through the gruelling junior doctor years he still was able to keep in touch. Doctors use their phones/whatsapp for everything these days

There are jobs where you don't use a phone during the day. Many of them far less important than doctors.

I’m in healthcare and it’s a rare day I could be on my phone at all during work. My kids schools/minders have a landline (admin answered) number to call in an emergency but it’s not a “check in”. I condense hours and am PT (30+ hours) to allow me to see my kids. I’m senior now so don’t have to be “on call” etc. and this has also meant I’m less likely to be handed tasks at 7.45pm (just before leaving) but still sometimes emergencies happen.

DH also works v long hours in a different field - we split the week so each weekday morning and evening only needs one of us home, and we get one weekend day off all together. His intense months I try to take on more.

Honestly, I love my family but when I’m in work - I know they are cared for/safe, so I don’t tend to think about them. My focus is on my work and those families. I love what I do. I know some would say it’s disconnected, but I see it as playing a part in building the type of world I want my kids to grow up in.

It sounds like you really need to talk to your partner, about how hurt you feel. In our home we constantly discuss ours/each others expectations - if tasks aren’t shared (fairly isn’t always equal) and can’t be, can family/paid for help be used (we had to swap nursery for childminder as an example, as it gave us more flexibility). Which bit of the weekly routine are you missing him in? If you are missing time for you, can he give you that at the weekend?

What he can’t do is suddenly work 9-5, and holding onto a resentment around this, could end your relationship. So you need to talk and plan and work out what you need for you/your little ones (and how you can get it).

it’s miserable being at home feeling sad/angry, and brave to have shared with your friends. I’m sorry their response didn’t feel supportive. I think we all come to parenting with our own stuff! I haven’t written my post to justify your DH’s actions, but to try to capture how thinking outside the box for us, has made a big difference to how we feel about work, parenting and our relationship.

Very true, and that's particularly an issue in cases where the couple aren't married, which it sounds like here.

I think a setup like this has to be agreed and under regular review, and the party who takes on 100% of the parenting to let the other focus on work and earn more needs to be protected.

Just from reading OP, you sound like you need a break. I've been a single parent and it is hugely exhausting, even with just 1 kid. I know technically you aren't a single parent but I think what you are expressing is that you increasingly feel like one. I think perhaps getting a cleaner, hiring a babysitter for a date night, having a weekend away with friends to relax and sleep would help. The younger years are very intense and it just sounds like you've reached a limit due to being at home with it non-stop.

My husband isn't a doctor , and I felt the same when I had two very young children at home . It can be lonely . It's like we all vanished when he left for work . We had numerous arguments about this , I didn't expect him to ring for a chat anything like that but check in once in a while would have been nice . At times I felt like i was only here for the childcare .

now the kids are teens it's not so bad , and I can joke about how we vanish the minute he steps out the door. The most infuriating thing is when I ring him , and i I rarely do, his phone is never answered , however at home his work phone is constantly with him in case it rings .

i don't think your friends are right about sucking it up due to the money , i think you need to explain to him how you feel ,
and how he would feel if the roles were reversed .

Isn't this like complaining that your travelling salesman partner is away all the time. A Doctor is busy dealing with sick patients whilst at work and doesn't have time to pointlessly check in with others. Why would they need to unless an emergency. Additionally they can't just leave at a set time if in the middle of something medical. Surely you must know this.

What does your DH do that makes the OP’s scenario preferable?

She’s not able to pursue a career to anywhere near the same extent as her DP, because she’s the one who has to do all the nursery runs, mealtimes, bedtimes, weekend cover, sick days etc etc.

In the OP’s position, I would be looking for marriage for a start, so I could at least have some security and financial compensation for the fact that I am doing all the donkey work of child-rearing and taking a hit on my career.

I would also possibly look to employ a part-time nanny to help in the evenings.

I don’t think he’s in the wrong given his job but it’s also not wrong for you to be unhappy with it. You’ve got to decide if being married to a doctor is the life you want or not.

No they don't! I'm a teacher I can't have my phone in the classroom. Sometimes I go all day without being able to check my phone let alone send messages. Break, lunchtimes there are often meetings/prep to do. I imagine a hospital doctor has it much worse. It's hard for OP but this is the deal with a job like that.

Not least because OP doesn't mention them being married. If so, that furthers the point, because being the partner who's taking on a disproportionate domestic share whilst supporting the other's career makes her more vulnerable, means she's getting a rawer deal.

I don't think your friends are right in that you shouldn't just accept things because their husbands aren't as hands on and don't bring as much money into the household; but gently, perhaps both of you have some expectations to reset.

Is there any reason you require him to be in regular contact when he is at work? Honestly it's relentless at the moment and unless he's in some sort of unicorn speciality and setting, chances are he doesn't have much of a break or chance to message. He should let you know whenever he can what time he will be home though. Only you know if it's a deal breaker, the fact he is switched on outside of work and attentive (as he should be as a husband and father) would personally be more important to me than him working a lot- but this is about how you feel.

Sounds like you need to have an honest conversation, but for him to feel like he can discuss contact expectations openly as well.

@Horserider5678its not 1955 - the OP has a job of her own, she doesn't need to be boasting that her Dh is a doctor! Why is that even something to boast about? I don't think he's her husband either - she has no guaranteed financial advantage from his job.
If he's routinely late home from work, without do much bc as a text, then he's absolutely relying on OP to pick up his parenting slack snd that's disrespectful. It's very much "I'm a man with a big important job and I don't have to both myself with asking OP to do extra".
What would he do about working late if he was a single parent and he had to get the child from nursery or a childminder? He'd find the ability to make phone call pretty quickly then, I'm sure!

My dad was a hospital doctor and it was very common for him to be several hours late home or for him to get phone calls in the middle of the night when he was on call. I’m sure the only reason my mum knew where he was half the time was because she worked in the same hospital!

However as he worked his way up and became more senior, it got a lot better. He didn’t have to do as many on calls, worked a much more 9-5 type job and was much more available if needed.

It’s unfortunately one of those jobs where you can’t just drop everything and go home unless it’s a genuine emergency. I still remember being admitted with a nasty head injury and dad popping in to see me between his ward rounds!

Maybe it’s a case of you readjusting your expectations slightly but your DH could also be clearer about his hours and schedule so you know roughly where he is and when to expect him. You can always call switchboard and get through to him that way if it’s a genuine emergency.

Friends DH is a surgeon at a London hospital and she pretty much raised their DC on her ownas he always seemed to be on call and uncontactable. She had her DPs nearby to help her with the DC as she unsurprisingly got PND. Even now he's retired he still goes in to teach so even now he's not around 100%. Their DC are at medical school and understand that health care role is a huge commitment and lifestyle. If you work in a non-emergency medical field you might have a better work/life balance. Mosti imagine marry within the medical field as they understand the stress of the work and life outside.

Your friends views say a lot more about their situation than it does yours.

How do you feel about the relationship? Do you know or are you torn? Could you do some counselling to help you work out how you feel?

I think your friends are wrong to say you just have to accept it and their crap DHs have set the bar very very low for them.you can make your own choice.

Having said that, I would not expect a hospital doctor on shift (caveat depends on exact nature of his job) to reply to texts/have significant contact. How much family time and time for you do you get in an average week? How could you compromise to come to a solution? What does he say if you discuss it?

There was a time before phones where it was incredibly rare to be in touch during the working day. Unless it’s really urgent then I see no reason to contact each other. I had a decent enough job. DH however had a very well paid job that meant he would be away overseas sometimes and with no specific pattern. We could have also ended up having to move overseas. We didn’t fortunately. He was great when he was about but sometimes he would be off for weeks, he covered huge parts of Asia in his role. My friends would say they couldn’t put up with it but we were both established in our jobs when we met just before we were 30. It has afforded us with a great lifestyle and very early retirement.

When DH was around he did everything for the children. Seems like similar types of DH for us. Was fine for me, I suppose you can’t help how you feel. But you need to get your head round it otherwise I see resentment and you would be a prime candidate for needing a shoulder to cry on and there lies madness sometimes if any of those shoulders are men.

You aren’t being unreasonable, it’s about what’s acceptable and tolerable for you as an individual. If this affects your life and you are starting to become unhappy it’s time for a talk. If things really can’t change then it might be time for a change.

Sorry pressed too soon.
Maybe when you're back you can have an honest convo with DH. You're not wrong to feel how you feel but depending on whether he's in a challenging field of medicine and where he is in his career I don't know how much he can arrange a better work/life balance.

I should bloody well hope that when a doctor is at work his entire focus is on that. Being a doctor brings all kinds of stress, but it sounds as though he doesn't bring that stress home with him, which is why you don't seem to be aware of it. He sounds really great if he can do a job like that and still be a great parent.