Are my friends right?

[Ammamamam]

I am very lucky that I have a close friend group with three other women. I’ve known them a long time and really trust their judgment.

Been with DP since I was 29 and I’m now 37. We have one DD age 3. DP is hospital doctor and pretty much is always at the hospital. This has always been the way but since DD I feel irritated when he’s not in touch or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving and so on but they all unanimously said I needed to accept I have a lot of good stuff that comes from his job (financially) and that when he is around he is very hands on with DD. My friends were saying often their partners/husbands don’t do much all week yet barely earn anything close to DP and they’re not even hands on when they get home. I think they see my life as financially easy and therefore it makes up for the often rubbish weeks.

I feel so conflicted. Tonight is another example. We are taking DD to Disneyland tomorrow morning and he’s not even home yet, haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though. I didn’t expect my life to be like this and I feel sad that it’s ended up this way. I don’t feel the money is a fair or good reason to stay and I’m seriously questioning the relationship. But I also don’t want to upset DD who is obviously used to us being together. It’s another night feeling thoroughly fed up…

Oĥ, and the phone thing - why do you need contact while he is at work? My husband began his career pre-mobiles, so could be living in for days without me hearing from him - totally normal.
Even in this era, his phone is probably in a locker or switched off - which, if I were a patient, is what I would expect.
Contact is only for real emergencies - basically, someone has died! He does not have time, or energy, to chat.

I think you need to have a very honest talk with your husband @Ammamamam & tell him exactly how you feel. Some things can’t be helped with his behaviour but others probably could change and as a PP has pointed out, were he a single parent he would have to prioritise being home more.

I would say he loves you but loves his job too, maybe a bit too much. He probably feels the patients need him but you also need him and it sounds like he is prioritising work at the moment at the expense of his family.

Your friends may have low expectations of their husbands but you have higher expectations & rightly so. You are equals in the marriage.

But is a consultant's role less stressful than a younger doctor's?

Am so glad we've got @Hastentoadd on the thread to come and educate us on the ins and outs and people's availability in all jobs! Everyone has time in between some appointments to send a quick text @ElleintheWoods can I add military to your list? Although am off to have a stern word with dh and tell him it was clearly balderdash that he wasn't in constant contact when deployed!

He’s a doctor! Also hospitals have very clear guidelines about using mobile phones at work for personal calls. If she wanted a husband with a 9-5 job, she should have found one! No doubt down the line when he’s established private work, she’ll love the money and lifestyle that comes with it! OP sounds very shallow!

He chose to have a child too - this wasn't just on the OP, so I'm not seeing why it's okay to make parenting primarily her responsibility. Everyone's work is important - it pays the bills. And OP isn't married so propping up his career isn't something that has a guaranteed benefit for her - she needs to keep her own career propped up.
I wouldn't be happy at constant lateness home - it's him making the assumption that OP will pick up his parenting slack and that's rude af!

I don’t think either of you is necessarily wrong. He has a job that is also a vocation and involves long hours. I’m in a similar career and there’s a reason why people in my field (and I think it’s true for doctors too) tend to marry each other. I think you won’t be able to change the approach to his job (and would you want to?). He’s clearly passionate about his work. But you need to have an open conversation, your concerns are valid too. Could he send you a quick text if he needs to stay late at the hospital? I don’t think that’s unreasonable.

Also, the fact that he earns a high salary is neither here nor there. It doesn’t mean you need to hide your unhappiness just because he brings in good money. But would it make your life easier if you hired a cleaner or nanny to help with your load?

Rubbish! OP is the issue, she married a doctor and long hours go with the territory! He’s called to an emergency in theatre what does she expect him to do phone her. No doubt she lives telling the world she’s married to a doctor and will love the lifestyle when he establishes private work once he’s a consultant. If he not wanting to come home maybe he’s fed up of her whining!

My DH isn’t a doctor but has a very senior and high profile job. When he told me his ambitions for this particular role type o had told him it’s not what I signed up for and not the lifestyle I wanted. But we discussed it at length and I agreed to support his career.

His job means he works extremely long hours and has a big impact on family life. However, when he is home he is very hands on, he’s a fantastic DH to me so loving and understanding and I know he works so hard because he wants to provide for us and financially support our wider families. Honestly, whilst it can be difficult I also really admire him too.

I chose to go part time when we had DC and he was really supportive of this despite it making things tight financially at the time.

I think if you want the relationship to work, this needs to come with a lot of acceptance for his position.

Female doctors are not going to be able to message during work hours either. It’s the nature of the job.

I’m of age when I spent longer in work pre mobile phone than post mobile phone
its astonishing how much we’ve taken for granted the ease of connection since mobiles and think it’s strange when people can’t be contacted instantly, expect instant responses and communicate the most minor things
itreally isn’t that long ago when you went to work and couldn’t be contacted until you back home again. If there was areal emergency you had to ring a central reception to track someone down…but that was emergency like kid has become unwell, needs picking up
i think the op needs to stop expecting dh to be instantly contactable…the idea he can text back it only takes a second, is nonsense…if you’re trying to concentrate, or fielding lots of information coming at you, or needing to perform tasks with your hands, or are talking with clients/customers/colleagues then picking your phone up and reading a text is unacceptable
30 years ago it wasn’t possible : we survived, emergencies were managed, and people sorted out stuff like domestic arrangements, holidays, what’s happening tomorrow whilst they were at home…they just had to be more organised, and actually talk face to face.

there’s a different issue re how much time he’s at work, and checking out re family responsibilities…that doesn’t sound good, but he’s a doctor …. But complaining to him he doesn’t pick up phone is not acceptable…he shouldn’t need to..sort stuff out when he’s not in work, and stop bothering him so much with random text in work time when he’s paid to work, not figure out what’s happening in Disneyland

I agree with your friends
We all know how busy doctors in hospital are , obviously he can't ring you when it suits you

My husband uses to work in restaurants and I never used to hear from him. Then I got a job there and I understood why. He simply didn't have time. Maybe your hubby doesn't have time to message. I imagine his job is very busy. And if he earns good money he's providing and is hands on at home you're very lucky.
My hubby didn't even provide properly as he was so low paid lol.

@Horserider5678 It’s not rubbish to say OPs husband probably could communicate better with his wife and we don’t know that he has to operate in theatre. Even if he does that wouldn’t mean he is never office based.

I kind of wish I could swap my DH for yours OP. The way you describe your relationship is exactly what would work for me. I truly don’t see the problem - he’s a hard worker, in a great career, leaves you to have your own career and run the house how you like, is financially secure, is attentive when home and you are off to Disneyland tomorrow - I’m green with envy!

Please explain what the issue is again.

What are his hours then? What time does he finish work - you said he stays longer than needed - why is that - does he need to be needed - is he avoiding family life - is he a workaholic- is he a poor time keeper - it's tough as I'm sure you feel like a single parent and that's what you did not sign up for.
It doesn't sound like your looking for too much from him - basic communication but yes surely he can't be soooooo busy that he cannot take a 5 minute break to check in with you. Also legally he needs to take a break.
Being a hospital doctor I'm sure has it's time frame ie going for a higher grade and doing 9-5 in some area of speciality.
Yes you need to be honest about and express YOUR needs clearly.

Even hospital doctors get breaks you know. Obviously there will be super busy periods when he can’t get to the phone, but he should be capable of sending a quick message just to let OP know he’s going to be late or whatever.

Exactly tthis. You need to change this situation. He takes on more reaponsibility with his child so you can progress in your career too, or you need to be married.

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone.

you are the nanny. And housekeeper. You Fe in a very weak position. If it wnds what will you walk away with financially? Because you will not be able to rely on him to allow you to work.

Have you ever worked a shift in a hospital? Myphone was in my locker, I did 14 hour days, it could easily be 6 hours between getting a sip to drink, never mind checking my phone.

a doctor checking their phone in the middle of everything would absolutely get torn a new one.

he’s a good dad at home, and doing his job at work, you’re being really unfair.

Seriously? If you split from him he won’t be home at all! His work, his vocation and the kind of person he is to want to do it and be able to do it is a massive part of his personality and life, and surely you understood that at the very start. The financial benefits are a bonus.

Maybe work on what you do with dd when dh can’t be around. Find some new interests, have fun.

I think consultants often have more capacity at work than the junior doctors tbh

I am a doctor in a hospital and also a single mother who is lucky to have excellent family support. It’s placement dependent, but I often end up not having time to go for a wee or drink anything while I’m at work, let alone check my phone, and when finally leaving it can be hours later than scheduled. It is often very stressful and impossibly busy, and it’s sort of survival mode where it really is hard to think of anything else. I mitigate it by being part time and trying to fully switch off from work when at home (though this is to the detriment of career progression as I’m not writing papers or revising for exams - both of which are necessary to have a hope of progressing). If I had a partner I would feel bad for them; I do feel guilty with regard to my family. If your husband is fully hands on when he’s home, I think that might be the most you can hope for; but it’s also completely reasonable not to put up with it (but it may be he can’t really change much unless he leaves the profession). Other doctors may disagree with me; I’ve also heard one gets a little more control over things after moving up the ranks etc.

I used to have an intense time critical job and if someone phoned at work and I found it wasn’t critical work stuff I would have to put down the phone immediately - think ‘sorry can’t talk’ bam

its the same for a doctor. He’s clearly immersed and can’t breakaway but he sounds very present when he is there

i do feel you need to be more grateful and more understanding

You're very unreasonable to wait until you've already had a child to decide you don't like his job. I don't work at a hospital, but when I'm at work it might be that I can't use my phone for 3 hours or more; I do reply when there's time but it's common in lots of professional careers. Given you can assume he hasn't left until he can text, I'm not sure what value it gives you? I suspect you'll roam off regardless, but it'll be the biggest regret of your life. And your DD's, but oh well.

OP are you sure you're not imagining a "perfect alternative life" because you are frustrated with the life that you have? What if you left him, and ended up single for years? Or dating a single dad who naturally has to prioritise their children over a relationship with you?

I'd recommend some therapy, perhaps even couples counselling, to try and navigate the best way forward. I think you are romanticising what your life might look like. It will be expensive and lonely! Are you miserable enough in this relationship to want that? Not to mention, you'll be forever tied to him because of your DD - which will make moving on that much harder.

Just be careful and really think it through. You have a good and stable life, from what you have described- even if your DH isn't around as much as you'd like.