Are my friends right?

[Ammamamam]

I am very lucky that I have a close friend group with three other women. I’ve known them a long time and really trust their judgment.

Been with DP since I was 29 and I’m now 37. We have one DD age 3. DP is hospital doctor and pretty much is always at the hospital. This has always been the way but since DD I feel irritated when he’s not in touch or just doesn’t prioritise getting home at a reasonable time (even when he technically could!).

I broke down last weekend and confided in my friends that I actually felt like the relationship was very much me propping up his career while I got on with family life (I also work) and day to day stuff pretty much alone. I expected my friends to suggest leaving and so on but they all unanimously said I needed to accept I have a lot of good stuff that comes from his job (financially) and that when he is around he is very hands on with DD. My friends were saying often their partners/husbands don’t do much all week yet barely earn anything close to DP and they’re not even hands on when they get home. I think they see my life as financially easy and therefore it makes up for the often rubbish weeks.

I feel so conflicted. Tonight is another example. We are taking DD to Disneyland tomorrow morning and he’s not even home yet, haven’t been in touch with me, I’ve text to ask when he’s likely to be back… that was 3 hours ago. When he’s at the hospital he simply doesn’t seem to recognise we exist. outside of this he is very attentive though. I didn’t expect my life to be like this and I feel sad that it’s ended up this way. I don’t feel the money is a fair or good reason to stay and I’m seriously questioning the relationship. But I also don’t want to upset DD who is obviously used to us being together. It’s another night feeling thoroughly fed up…

If the OP expects him to be in regular touch for the sake of it I agree, but if she just wants him to give her a heads up if he’s going to work beyond his expected shift that’s the least he can do. It sounds to me like he takes her a bit for granted.

Imagine for a moment that this doctor is a single parent and instead of a stoic partner at home he relies on paid childcare. You can bet he’d find the time to get in touch with the nanny to make arrangements. He’d have no choice.

This is his career and it won't change from the marriages with the father a doctor/consultant that I can see.

Are you married?
If not, why not?

I agree!

2 doctor household here.

I loathed it when my family interrupted when I was at work and fully focussed. I only rarely text DH when he is at work.

I worked PT after DC and just got on with running the household and children's stuff as he was at work so much. He was v hands on at home with DC.

On the other side of it now. Looking back, it was tough while they were young but I don't think I'd have done it any other way.

I have. I can respond as I wish.
"Hold that scalpel please I need to go and text my wife" 🙄

Ridiculous comment

Hmm it’s a difficult one. I’m an ICU nurse and work very closely with doctors, I wouldn’t want to be married to one! He obviously has a very important job and it’s hard to understand when you don’t work in the field but often nurses and doctors simply can’t just walk out at the end of their shift. What grade is he? What specialty is he doing? Is he a consultant yet? Often things calm down a bit once they get their consultant post. Is it worth speaking to him about long term plans and asking him if he thinks things will settle down? If it’s a case of him building his career for a few more years until he gets his post then I’d probably say just hang in there, but if he is doing something like surgery (depending on the type) it might never settle and you will have to decide if the pros outweigh the cons.

I don't agree with your friends. Just because their husband's are shit, doesn't mean you have to put up with a relationship that's not satisfactory to you.

I think this is something for serious consideration and discussion between your DP and you and maybe some counselling. I think the bottom line is one of you is always going to be comprimising here. You've created a family with a doctor, not someone who goes in at 9 and clocks off at 5 - his job is important to him.

I'm not criticising how you feel, but the reality is with jobs like this, family is not always the priority. He can no more change that than you can change feeling unhappy about the situation, even if he does change his behaviour. What you need to work out between you is whether you can compromise or accept the situation.

Somewhere in the middle for me: if he's attentive and caring and a good partner/parent when he's not at work, then yeah I do think you have to accept you chose a partner with an all-consuming career which also happens to pay well and that it's not the kind of job where you can just be pissing about on your phone (she says, having a pissing-about-on-my-phone job - no shade here!). And that a partner who's all of those things is - as your friends have pointed out - sadly not that common.

On the other hand, you sound lonely and miserable. So even if you've got a 'better' deal than your mates have on balance, you're allowed not to be happy with it. If what you want is to see more of him, then leaving him obviously isn't the answer. If what you're actually looking for is a (any) partner who is less committed to a very consuming job, then maybe it is. Only you know that.

Do you genuinely have no idea how much strain and pressure NHS doctors are under???

Anyone who works in a hospital rarely leaves bang on time at the end of their shift. I am speaking from experience.

I don’t think one experience negates the other. It sounds like you have become his support staff, but he probably respects his staff at work more than he respects you.

The man is at WORK and not in an environment he can easily call you.
As long as you can contact him in an emergency I don't see the problem

YABU if you expect him to contact you while he is at work. There is no need for people to be in touch all the time. It seems to be a very modern thing where some people expect their partners to be in touch all day while at work.

YANBU if you are expecting him home at 6 and he rocks up at 10 on a regular basis with no warning.

It does depend on what he does, what his rank is etc, as to how easy it would be for him to contact you and update you.

You need to talk to him and try and reach some sort of compromise, that he will finish early - if he can - at least 1-2 nights a week, or that he will let you know if he is going to be late home.

If you are unhappy, then you are unhappy and it is not for anyone else to tell you to suck it up and be happy with what you have.

But you have to talk to him first and foremost , then see if anything changes. If it doesn't , then you either accept it and stay there, or end the marriage.

He’s a doctor?! How on earth do you expect him to do that?!

Thank for making my point from direct personal experience.

But he's not a single parent so he has no reason to behave like one.

The flip side of that argument is that if OP was a single parent, she would still have to juggle childcare and evenings alone, but without the added benefit of a partner and his income.

Many doctors work late - you can't always stop and message and get in touch to say as much - which is why many doctors have nannies, or partners who are able to work from home or cover the childcare.

Really unpleasant and completely uncalled for, well done 🙄

It’s a hard and all-engrossing job but unless your DH is a surgeon or anaesthetist who often gets unexpectedly stuck in theatre I think he could be more thoughtful.

My daughter is a hospital doctor (consultant). Her DH wfh and does most before and after school childcare, delivering /fetching/feeding/bedtime, on her working days (usually 4 days a week in the hospital, plus 1 at home doing admin). She often works very long days. It's not a simple question of shifts at that level; if something needs doing or patients suddenly need to be seen of course she won’t just leave.

BUT she always keeps her DH informed as to what’s going on by quick texting, e.g. "Sorry, can’t see myself being able to leave for at least another hour", "Somethings cropped up, won’t be home till about 9", "Leaving in 10 mins".They use the app that tracks where she is so he can track her journey home and have a meal ready for her.

They also have a definite agreed policy of discussing/informing about all child-related issues, even down to things like clothes and school/nursery issues, rather than one of them doing all the life admin and then feeling resentful about it.

I will repeat the point I made upthread. 50% of doctors are female. This is not a female thing, it’s a man who thinks his job is more important than anything else.

It is not true that he cannot drop a text to say he will be late.

Exactly.

By using his phone to send a message, like everyone else (including hospital doctors) does. It’s perfectly possible nearly all the time if he thinks it’s important enough.

I think it’s part and parcel of being a doctor. But I know that doesn’t make it any easier.

for what it’s worth, I earn more than my husband but be works far longer hours than me and leaves most of the house/kid stuff to me.

if i were to work out my husbands hourly rate it would be very low.

he also acts like we don’t exist when he’s at work.

and it’s not that he “enjoys” his work as such, it’s very stressful. But it’s not prestigious or well paid like a doctor.

I feel frustrated a lot of the time that despite being in a better job, my career very much takes a back seat.

I know it’s not a competition, and the fact that I, and others, have it “worse”, doesn’t make things better for you.

I don’t really know the answer, to my situation or yours.

He doesn’t need to chat, but he could certainly have the courtesy to let OP know when to expect him home and if he’s been held up. All the hospital doctors I know (a lot) keep their phones on them (on silent) except when in theatre. It only takes 30 seconds to send a text, between patients.

You obviously haven’t employed many Nannies if you think they would be more amenable than the OP to being left high and dry with the kids beyond their contracted hours and no communication from their employer.

Perhaps a better ‘just suppose’ would be if the OP was also a hospital doctor herself. Something would have to give then. One of my best friends is a full time hospital doctor, no family nearby, a just turned 3 year old and a 5 year old, her DH is in the military and was posted a 6 hour train ride away at the end of last year. How do you think people like her cope?

The flip side of that argument is that if OP was a single parent, she would still have to juggle childcare and evenings alone, but without the added benefit of a partner and his income.
Most people become financially and/or logistically worse off after separation when there are young children involved. That doesn’t mean the respective partners get a free pass to do what they like within the marriage/relationship.

It’s ok for this doctor to want OP to pick up the slack at home, but it should have been discussed and agreed before the children came along, and he needs to at least marry her if he’s asking her to make sacrifices for the sake of his career

Only read the first few pages.

IMO you ABU and are focussing on the wrong thing.You do not feel equal, you should focus on being married. (Apologies if you are, but you said "DP")